Things a male sub can do to jump start a D/s relationship!

In my previous post "What happens when life gets in the way?" I posted some great suggestions for the Female Dominant to do in a relationship when it has lost track or fizzled. Now, I want to share my thoughts of what the male submissive in a relationship can do to help their Femdom counterpart get back on track. Since a D/s relationship is based on a agreed upon Power Exchange, it is very important for the male sub to realize that his actions, or lack thereof, have a direct effect on how his Femdom acts or reacts. I know in the romance and fictional stories, it is always the Female that seems to come in, regardless of the males feelings or desires, and forces him to surrender his will and to submit. While that is great for fantasy time and fun, it is far from the reality that encompasses a 24/7 D/s relationship.

With the daily pressures a woman faces in this day and age, it can be very easy to succumb to life's worries and headaches. With all the external pressures a woman faces, is it any wonder why most women do not find this style of relationship appealing? Why, who in their right minds would want to add pressure and responsibility? No-one my dear!! That is why it is your first responsibility to make sure you are doing everything in your power to make your significant others life easier. Whether that is clearing the table after dinner, or doing the laundry one night. If your Wife (or girlfriend or significant other or whatever) is busy all day at the office (or at home with three kids) and then comes home and has to cook dinner, clean the dishes, do laundry, get the kids baths ready, do homework, etc and then you don't understand why she has no interest in D/s, well I wonder why? You like the idea of being a slave to lessen the responsibilities and worries of daily life, yet you do not think your better half has those same wants and needs? You foolish man you!!!!!!!

OK, let's get down to brass tactics! If you have already taken on more responsibility at home and have an established D/s relationship - GREAT! You can still learn how to do it better so continue reading. If you have taken on extra responsibilities around the house and have slacked off then this is for you! I know everyone runs into burnout, God knows I am right there with you! I am sharing a few things that my husband either does or has done in the past that has made my life easier or has made me feel better. That's right, your responsibility is to make your Wife FEEL BETTER too!!

OK, here goes.......................

1. Plan a date night. Get a sitter, make reservations and tell your Wife to be ready for a night out on the town. Tell her to go buy a new dress and some nice lingerie to wear. I do not care how big or small a woman is, nice lingerie always makes you feel better (and sexy too!) Call the restaurant ahead of time and have something special for your Wife. Maybe flowers, or her favorite wine. Then either have tickets for a comedy show or tickets to a movie. (or tickets to whatever - just get her out of the house for a nice evening!)

2. Draw her a bath with candles and wine and LEAVE HER ALONE FOR A WHILE. Do not sit on your knees waiting to be dismissed unless this is something that is a regular routine for the two of you. This will only piss her off, especially if she is in D/s burnout!

3. Make a book of coupons for things your Wife really needs. Not "I will make you orgasm 50 times before I am allowed to orgasm". This is also not the time or place for this. Include some coupons in there giving her the afternoon off to go shopping while you watch the kids. Then make sure you have enough money in the bank account to pay for that shopping trip!

4. Get the kids ready for bed one night, baths and all. Then come into your bedroom and tell your Wife to give you 5 minutes, you have a surprise for her. Set up massage lotion or oil and light some candles in the room. Spray some nice perfume on the sheets or covers so it will smell good when she lies down. Then tell her to come into the room, and wait for her on your knees. Tell her it is her night to be pampered and adored and you expect nothing in return. (and don't expect anything in return!) Give her a wonderful massage and then (if you are not in chastity), make sweet love to her without you cumming. If she gives you permission, great, if not - no cumming for you my dear!

5. Go grocery shopping for her. I hate grocery shopping almost as much as I hate cooking. Make sure you do not forget anything special that she eats or drinks. Ask if you are unsure!

6. Get her car detailed for her. Better yet, detail it yourself - inside and out. When you are done, leave her a love note on her seat telling her how wonderful and beautiful she is and you are the luckiest man in the world!

7. Get on your hands and knees and sit in front of her. Tell her how much you love and adore HER, not the Dominant woman you love so much. During times of burnout, it is easy for a woman to think that you love only her fierce side and not her sensitive side. A woman who feels that you only love her because she can be kinky in the bedroom is a sure fire way of losing that wonderful woman. More on that later though!!

8. I think I have said this one before but it is worth repeating: Watch a girly movie with her and by God do not BITCH about it. How many idiot man movies has she watched because she loves you? HUH?????

(note: if you will notice I have waited until the last two to bring up anything about Mistress and slave or overtly D/s actions. This is because when most women are in D/s burnout the last thing they want to do is to feel like you are pushing them to be more Dominant. Please do not do that - it is sure fire recipe for disaster!!! With that said - onto 9 and 10!)

9. Make a second coupon book with nice, fun kinky things you know your Wife likes. Not what you like, per se, but what she likes! If she adores Tease and Denial, then make a coupon giving her full control of your nether region for a week. If she likes bondage, give her a coupon and maybe a few cool pictures of stuff she might like to try. If she likes spanking, a coupon for 30 good whacks will do just fine (a new crop or paddle might be nice too!) Make it fun and make sure you have a place for those kidlets to go. A coupon book isn't as much fun when the kids are home. It will get a little dusty!!

10. Write down all the things you use to do for your Wife before the daily grind got in the way. Give it to her and ask her to mark which things she liked you to do most. Then start doing those things immediately. Nothing works better to jump start a stagnant Dominant than a submissive doing his duty. In order for the D/s dynamic to work, she will automatically become more Dominant again. Trust me!!!

Well, that is my advice to all you men out there. In my opinion, nothing beats a good, healthy D/s relationship. But like all things, sometimes life gets in the way and it is very difficult to maintain it. If you are sitting there waiting for your already stressed out Wife to force you back into submission you have another thing coming. You will be waiting a long time. The best thing you can do is to help her get back to what you both find so wonderful. It has to begin somewhere and by being the sub and man in the relationship, there is no place better to start than with you. Good luck!!!!!

My next post will be on a very important topic that might cause a little controversy. Over the past few years, I have been contacted by several woman (and men) that have a problem reconciling this type of relationship with their belief in "God". While I will not divulge what my particular religion is, I am a very spiritual person who believes in God and all He represents. I feel that my relationship, now that it is honest, open, loving, caring, monogamous, cherished and absolutely wonderful, is EXACTLY what my God wants for me. In my relationship I honor, adore, respect and love my husband. As he does with me. We bring each other up, in moral and emotions, which is more than I can say for most people married now a days. I will not make it about anything other than realizing that a D/s relationship, at it's core, has NOTHING TO DO WITH KINKY ACTS. It has to do with all the other things I just explained that my husband and I now have. Traits I wish everyone every married couple had.

This is my wish for every married couple out there. Whether or not they embrace Femdom is irrelevant. I wish you love, adoration and respect. What every man and woman deserve - to be happy!!!!

Kisses,

MrsClaudia

What would you like to see in a Femdom Community?

I have been working on launching a Free Lifestyle Femdom Community that will focus on Femdom D/s relationships. The website will include Online Classes and Workshops, articles, Instructional and Educational Video, Chat Rooms, Message Board, Instant Messenger, User Contributions (gallery, video and user article submissions) and Current / Upcoming Events in the lifestyle. So my question is:

What other things would you like to see or options you would like to have in a Femdom Community?

I know there are many other wonderful BDSM communities out there, very good ones that I am a member of. So why am I starting another one? Well I want mine to be a little different. First and foremost, I want it to be solely Female Dominant / male submissive (although Male Dom / femsubs may join and contribute). I want it to be a portal where new people learning about this lifestyle can come and learn how to avoid pitfalls and be able to interact with other lifestyle people and learn. I know that BDSM support groups are sometimes riddled with politics and controversy and I will do all in my power to make sure that DOES NOT happen with this website. I want to keep the fantasy BS out of it and make it as true to life as it can be.

I would appreciate any comments or suggestions on what different areas you would like to see in a community like this. Whether it is particular classes, interactive systems, mentoring programs, local advertisements for groups around the country, etc. I want to make this the best lifestyle website I can, and your input would be greatly appreciated. I am not doing this for myself only, I am doing it for all the people out there that want a community they can learn and grow from.

Comments and suggestions can be submitted in two ways: You can either add comments directly to this post or you can email comments directly at my yahoo email: MrsClaudia2006@yahoo.com

I do hope to hear from you. Please keep all comments and suggestions directed at the community site. Any other comments or feedback not dealing directly with the lifestyle community will be redirected to the proper place in this blog!!

Thanks everyone,
MrsClaudia and her slave hubby!!

Is a 24/7 D/s relationship realistic???

Over the past few days the topic of Total Power Exchange has come up in conversation with a few different people. At Midori, she posed the question "Is there such a thing as a 24/7 TPE relationship?" The audience gave mixed answers and, if I had to guess, I would say the answer was 50/50. She answered with a resounding "NO"!! She went on to give this example: If the Dominant was to order the submissive to hold their breath indefinitely, would the submissive be able to obey? Well the answer is obvious - NO! The human body would take over and, after the sub passed out, the body would resume breathing. I thought that answer didn't really make a good case for a TPE not being possible.

When I think of 24/7 D/s or Total Power Exchange, I think of what the submissive is CAPABLE of giving control of over to the Dominant. I think of things like: sex, financial decisions, parenting decisions, free time decisions, etc. I do not think of things the submissive does not have any control over, which would include bodily functions. Yes, the submissive can give over urinating and defecating, where permission has to be given before evacuation can be made, but what if the Dominant does not ever give permission to use the bathroom? Eventually the submissive will make a huge mess. So, does he or she really have control over that function? NO!!

I am just starting to read more about TPE (total power exchange) so I am by no means an expert on the subject. I have also been asked lately if I am ever just "normal" with my husband. Where we are equals? I have been thinking about this and I have come to the following observations. First, in any relationship there is a dominant and submissive balance. Even with friends, usually one is more dominant in the relationship than the other. In my marriage, I have more control over CERTAIN aspects of the marriage. This has always been though. In the past, before D/s, if I wanted to watch a particular program on TV, in the end we would end up watching what I wanted. There might have been arguing and pouting, but I would have gotten what I wanted. The only difference now is I am being freely given the right to watch whatever I want, with none of the arguing or pouting. Presto, D/s is born in our marriage. What is different - the mindset of the parties involved. My husband made a decision to hand over his power, which includes his arguing, pouting and generally unlikable behaviour. He sees it now as a gift he is giving me, instead of something I am taking from him. On the surface the only thing that has changed is him.

Some people say that the submissive is really the one in control. Actually it takes both to make it work. The sub has to be willing to give control and the Domme has to be willing to take control. I like to look at it a little different - the submissive is freely giving up his rights to control and giving it to the Dominant. This is what makes it a gift. In a relationship where the D/s is strictly in the bedroom, the submissive is still giving up his right to control the situation. Once the Dominant accepts that gift, a power exchange has occurred. Pretty simple. Well the same thing happens in a lifestyle or 24/7 D/s relationship. Instead of the submissive saying "OK, I will give you the power to do whatever you want for the next hour", the 24/7 lifestyle submissive is saying "OK, I will give you the power to do whatever you want for our entire relationship".

In any marriage there is a Dominant partner and a submissive partner. Society tells us that the man is the Dominant and the wife is the submissive. When people think of a regular marriage, where there is no D/s, they see that as completely normal. They do not think that the woman is sitting at the man's feet waiting to be given permission to speak. So why do people think that in a FemDom marriage, it is not just as normal as a vanilla marriage? Like Ms. Rika says "We are no different!" My husband does not sit at my feet every night, not allowed to speak or change the channel on the TV. The only difference between us and "regular" folks is I am being given the power to have my husband sit at my feet when I want. I have been given the power to make the final decision on certain things, like anything to do with this lifestyle. I decide when and how we have sex. I decide when and if my husband gets to orgasm. I decide who will cook in our household. My husband still decides when the bills get paid, when he goes to work, what he eats and when he speaks.

When we go to dinner or the movies, we still hold hands. He walks beside me and acts like a gentleman, opening doors and pulling out my chair. We are a lifestyle FemDom couple but in most cases you can't tell us apart from all the other "vanilla" couples. I decide how, when and where we have our power exchange and to what extent. If we are going out to dinner and I specifically tell my husband that he is to ask permission for everything while we are out, that is just a game I play with him, to exaggerate the level of control. I have the power in the relationship to do that. If we go to dinner and I do not make him ask permission for everything does that mean we are acting "normal"? No, it just means the level of control I am enforcing is that he doesn't have to ask permission for anything, that in itself is control.

So the bottom line is the mindset. There is never any question who is in control of our marriage and everything it encompasses. My final word is law, period. Most days our interactions are just as normal as any other couple out there. There is just a firm understanding that I make the rules and whatever those rules are, my husband is to obey them. When he is unsure of a rule, it is his place to get clarification and it is my place to communicate with him what I am expecting. On most days we seem as normal as anyone else. Actually we are quite different. We are madly in love and anyone that is within 500 yards can tell that. More than 50% of marriages end in divorce, maybe those "vanilla" couples should be more like us!! One can only hope!