What happens when life get's in the way?

Day after day, hour after hour, life goes on as normal. It is sweet, better than anything you have ever imagined. Little things happen every once in a while, but they are minuet in the grand scheme of things. You have wonderful friends; friends who understand all about you. They know every little nuance and secret, and they welcome you and love you unconditionally. Your marriage has finally come to a place where you are happy, truly happy. The years of power struggles, lies and betrayal have ended. Personally, you are stronger than ever. You have come into your own and you are 100% confident in who you are and what you have to offer this world. Life is good!!!

I am sure you are sitting here thinking, "What the hell does this have to do with lifestyle Femdom?", it has a lot to do with it. For some reason there are so many misconceptions on what 24/7 lifestyle Femdom is all about. People seem to think it is void of all problems and that life flows perfectly. I am constantly asked if I am ever normal, or if I am "in control" all of the time. I am also asked if my husband has an opinion on anything in our lives, or if he just bows down to everything I say and never has a say so. I have said before, many times, that this is far from the truth. While I have the final say in everything and I at all times can pull rank, life is still life. There are financial problems, family problems, career problems and marital problems.

As an example, my husband and I totally disagree on the way our children should be disciplined. He feels very strongly one way and I feel very strongly another way. This is one area we have problems in. It is easy to say that as my slave, he should go with my way, but that is easier said than done. There are also career and financial problems that add heavy stress. When our lives are turning upside down, and everyone is stressed and worried, it really disrupts the Femdom rhythm. When problems come, one after the other, a lifestyle D/s relationship is hard to keep on track. So, this brings me to my topic of this post.

How do you get your D/s lifestyle back on track when it has been disrupted for a sustained period of time. I am talking about when your marriage barely resembles Femdom anymore and you feel like you have to start from scratch. Well, there is your first task: Start from scratch. Go back to the basics. Over the past 6 months our lives have slowly succumbed to serious life stresses. There was a while there where I didn't even get a chance to see my slave, much less have him serve me. His life became so overwhelmed that I had to put our D/s relationship somewhat on hold. Not because I wanted to, but because life circumstances forced us to. I am sure there are others out there that have had or are having this same problem.

Here are a few steps I am taking that can be used to jump start your D/s relationship!

THE TASKS BELOW ARE FOR THE DOMME. ANY CHANGE MUST FIRST START WITH THE DOMME!!

1. First, I am taking a few weeks off work to refocus on my passion. I know most people do not have that luxury and I am grateful I can do that. If I was working full time, I would schedule time each day to do what I am suggesting. I am going to start reading and interacting with my online lifestyle community again, via message boards and blogs. I am going to look around for any new lifestyle communities or websites that have started in the past few months and read everything I can get my hands on that deals with lifestyle femdom.

2. I am going to read MsRika's book and re-read Elise Sutton and any other good lifestyle Femdom books in my library.

3. I am going to register for any upcoming seminars or workshops in my local area. If there were none in my local area, I would look online for any instructional DVDs to start practicing to or any online Femdom classes starting. I am not sure if there are any out there, but if I come across any I will post them on the blog. I am also going to be starting online classes and workshops through my lifestyle community when I officially launch it here soon. I will keep you posted.

4. I am going to make a commitment to attend at least one munch a month and one play party a month.

5. I am going to make a commitment to interact with other Femdoms on a regular basis either in person or online in weekly chat meetings.

6. I am going to have my slave start doing one new thing per week that he was previously doing, that has been slacked off on lately.

7. I am going to start journaling daily what things I am concerned with or any issues I need help with. Just as an example, I am having a hard time being consistent right now. I need to work on that.

8. I am going to actively seek out fictional stories or femdom videos to help jump start my imagination again.

9. I am going to call my mentor at least once per week and go over things I am needing help with.

10. I am going to make a list of everything I want my slave to start doing again, and make a schedule of when he will start doing those tasks again.

Bottom line is life gets in the way. Shit happens and the D/s dynamic gets weaker or even burns out for a while. Everything takes work and a D/s relationship is no exception. Just remember to start small and work your way up. Find some communities that you can share with or a class or online workshop to jump start your mind working again.

My next post will be on what tasks you need to give your sub or slave to get them back on track when life has gotten in the way. Regardless of what has happened, you can get back to where you were or get on track in the first place. This advice is good for brand new Femdom's or for Femdom's wanting to revitalize their floundering relationship. Hopefully I will see you around the boards and around some online classes.

Trust + Communication = RESPECT!!

Let me start by saying that my relationship with my submissive is not the norm. As you all know from reading my blog we have had alot of mistrust, disrespect and lack of communication for years. In order for the D/s relationship to work TRUST is the #1 component. Second to that is COMMUNICATION. What makes them both possible is a little word we call RESPECT.

Let me first start with trust.

Trust is something that has been broken between My husband and I for a very long time. Right now each day we are rebuilding the trust between us but it is a long, hard road to travel. It is a road I honestly wish we would have never had to go down. Once trust is broken between two people it takes years to get it back. If both partners are not totally willing to give the relationship 100% one will end up doing something to break the trust that is so fragile. Trust needs to be built between the Wife and husband, the Domme and the sub. As my husband, I need to be able to trust him that he is not going to go cheat on me or do things behind my back. As his Wife, he needs to know I will not cheat on him, leave him or do anything behind his back.

Now as my submissive the trust runs much deeper. I need to be able to trust that if I issue a rule, that it will be followed. If there is a question or concern, I need to create a way that my submissive can come to me and talk about it. He needs to know that I am not going to take my new found power and take advantage of him or play games. He needs to know with all his soul that his best interest is my first priority. If he has any reservations he will never really submit.

My duty as his Wife and Domme is to prove to him I am what I seem to be. Our relationship is a little different than most because of our history but the basic premise is the same. I have to be very careful that I do not treat my husband and submissive as a child. HE IS NOT MY CHILD AND I AM NOT HIS MOTHER. If I start to regulate him like I am his mother then he will fall into the trap of feeling like my child. Instead of openly communicating with me he will try to sneak around. His rebellion will surface. So how am I going about changing this cycle we have been in for years??

First, I am making sure he feels he can talk to me about anything. Let's say I place a rule on him that I want him home by 5:00 for dinner. If he takes that as a child receiving an order from a parent he might agree to be home and then come up with excuses everyday why he can't be here. What he should do if he is in the submissive role is come to me with respect and ask if the 5:00 rule can be altered. He should state the reason why he can't make it home. If I am a good Domme, and the reason is valid, I should probably adjust the time to something that is more accomodating.

But let's say I forbid masterbating unless permission is given. This scares my husband because he has been use to being able to masterbate whenever he chooses. He can either come to me and talk about it or do it behind my back. Anytime a submissive tells his Domme that he will do something and then doesn't he is not being submissive. The true submissive can not pick and choose which rules he will choose to follow. If he goes this route and his Domme finds out trust will be shatterred. There are somethings a Domme will order that the submissive will not like. It is part of the territory. The submissive can come to the Domme, again with respect, and discuss it. This takes me onto communication.

Communication is so crucial to any relationship but especially a D/s relationship. There obviously have to be guidelines, but the Domme MUST give the sub permission to speak with her whenever there is something the sub is having a problem with. It is pure fantasy that every order the Domme dishes out will be accepted fully by the submissive. Maybe after years and years of a D/s relationship, but not right away. Let me try and give an example:

Let's say (just hypothetical) I have forbidden my submissive (and husband for that matter) from viewing extreme FemDom porn on the internet. He has been looking at FemDom porn on the internet for years and years and he doesn't think he can go cold turkey overnight. He can do one of two things. He can either sneak off and continue to look at the porn or he can come to me, with respect, and voice his concern. Now, the Domme would probably keep her rule and forbid her sub from looking at the stuff. Let me tell you why, when a sub comes from internet land where extremes are the norm, they get a warped sense of what FemDom should be like. Real life FemDom (at least in my house) is no where near the extreme that you see on the internet. The sub needs to be rewired by the Domme, brought back down to reality. If he continues to look at extreme porn he will continue to have extreme thoughts.

But what the Domme would do if she was smart was control it. Join a few sites herself and then regulate what he would see. The Domme will begin to form his thoughts into what she wants for him. If she does that, he will not feel like he is cut off. Then you both win. This will also feed his fear of being cut off cold turkey. That is how the sub can voice a concern, have the Domme reject his concern, but yet still take care of it her way.

Communication and trust, once broken, are rebuilt slowly. Respect is what makes both of these two vital issues work. If there is no respect between two people then there will be no trust and no communication. Both my husband and I didn't respect eachother prior to transforming our marriage. I think the minute I decided to give the FemDom life a real try, and he believed it was real, his respect for me blossomed. Once full respect was rebuilt by us both, our relationship took off. I found my husband loving me more, communicating more and trusting me more. I also found the devotion he had for me deepened to a level I did not think was possible. Now we respect eachother 100%. I trust him 90% and our communication is better than ever. It is still not perfect, but it is getting there.

So there is my little opinion on Trust, Communication and Respect. Without them all no relationship, especially a D/s one, will work.