So you think you want to be a Domme? Read on!!

My last few posts have been geared more toward the submissive men and it is high time to talk with my fellow budding FemDom's. Get a cup of coffee (or whatever you like), pull up a chair and let's have a little talk. Since my perspective is from the female point of view I want to talk to all you Ladies like I was right there with you. I realize that no two people are exactly alike, but the more I read from other budding FemDom's, the more I am realizing the core of this lifestyle is the same. From what I have read 90% of the Dommes I know were at one time introduced to this lifestyle by either a spouse or bf. I have only come across a select few that became involved in this lifestyle on their own.

First, I am going to use my situation to share on. By no means did I do everything perfectly. All I can share is how this time is different for me than last time.

I woke up one morning and found that my husband had been on my computer the night before while I was sleeping. It took a while before I confronted him about it and when I finally did I got a defensive attitude and he denied that he was doing anything wrong. Typical behavior from a man that knows he has been caught! My first reaction was rage. Does this man really think I am that stupid? My second emotion was hurt. Since I still didn't know exactly what he was doing I really had nothing concrete to be angry and hurt about. It was the denial that got me. It took a while before I knew exactly what he had been doing. The first thing I did was think. I had some serious decisions to make. Was I going to leave or stay? If I stayed, how was I going to ever be able to trust him again?

So let's put this scenario onto you! Let's say your husband has just come to you and decided to share his submissive desires. Not all men are leading secret lives but you can bet most are. They have looked at FemDom and the desire is so strong to bring it to reality, they take a chance and talk with you. Or let's say you have found out that your husband is being sneaky on the computer. I can tell you how to find out everything, and I mean everything, he has been doing but that can be talked about later. Now, you can do one of two things: you can reject him completely or you can listen and then decide for yourself if this is something that interests you. Take some time, research the reality of FemDom and then decide if this is something you would like to do IF YOU WEREN'T TO STAY WITH YOUR SPOUSE. If this lifestyle is something you don't really find interest in, and you continue to go ahead with it because it is what HE wants, it will never work. Your spouse will have no choice but to top from the bottom. All that will make you left feeling is inadequate and unloved. See, the male submissive, behind all the fetish activities, wants to serve a Dominant woman. If he is molding you into his perfect little Domme it will never work. This will technically leave him in the Dominant role which is not what he wants. I might add this is definately not what you want! Trust me!

So, you have taken some time, researched and you are all for being a FemDom. Now what? How do you go about playing with this man? The activities we engage in can be very dangerous if you don't know what you are doing. Books are wonderful and alot can be learned about safe play, but there is only so much you can learn from books. Nothing compares to learning hands on with an experienced teacher and mentor. For me I really love the mental aspect of D/s. The bondage, teasing and games are a means to an end for me. I can honestly tell you I have learned more about the mental aspects of submissives now that I have in person relationships with other Dommes and subs. So, how do you meet others you can learn from?

The first is a local BDSM support group. If you live in a well populated area you can bet there is a support group near. You might have to travel a little but it's well worth it. It does take time to get to know others in the group. What do you do in the meantime? I know most of you will be completely shocked that I am suggesting this but here goes. I would find a Pro Domme in your area to take lessons from. You don't have to take your submissive with you (although after a few times I suggest you do). Pro's can be expensive but most will work with you if you let them know your budget. Pro's have a insight the average woman doesn't. They talk to thousands of submissive men and they understand the mental aspect of the submissive very well. Most Pro's have been in the lifestyle for years and years. Hence how they got to be Pro's.

One of my best friends is a Pro who has been involved in the lifestyle for over 17 years. She specializes in couples and she loves it when budding FemDom's call her for lessons. I can tell you right now that if it wasn't for this woman, my husband and I might not be together now. She understands the woman's perspective and the man's. She is invaluable. She offers phone counseling and she does in person lessons after she has gotten to know you and your situation via phone calls. She is here in Vegas and I highly recommend her. You can visit her site here . Here name is Mistress Kali Ward and if you are anywhere near Vegas (or not) I would suggest calling her. She started the PEP Buffalo chapter and she is recommended by Elise Sutton. The PEP organization is nationwide and the Pro Dommes they recommend are very compasionate and well educated. PEP's main site can be found here.

This will probably suprise you all more than anything else but I have become very good friends with my husbands Ex-Pro, LadyIceQueen. For months I was envious and intimated by her only to find that she is a loving, compasionate, regular woman like me. She accepted me with love and made me feel beautiful. (Kisses and Hugs to you sweets!) I expected her to be a total cruel bitch but what I found is she is just like me. While I am not grateful that my husband shared sessions with her, I am grateful that I contacted her and now can call her my friend. She was originally in Las Vegas but she has relocated to Glendale, AZ. Like Mistress Kali Ward, she accepts phone counseling and in person lessons. You can find out more about her here. I also highly recommend her to show you techniques and to learn from!!

In conclusion, this lifestyle is not for everyone. THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH YOU IF YOU DO NOT WANT TO BE A DOMME. DO NOT LET YOUR HUSBAND OR Bf PUSH YOU INTO BEING SOMETHING YOUR NOT. While there are many benefits to this lifestyle it is not for everyone. If you do find this lifestyle is for you, please learn all you can on what you like. Be safe in your play. And most of all enjoy, enjoy, enjoy. Enjoy the attention, adoration and power. This is one time where it is ok to be a little selfish and to make it all about you. If you do, you will find what you have always wanted. Care for and guide your submissive into places they have only dreamed of. This is the time to see what you like, what you want, and to bask in the lap of luxury. The benefits are more than you could ever dream of. As always, I welcome emails from anyone who wishes to chat. Let me know how things are going. Good Luck!!!

DISCLAIMER!! ALL MARRIED MALE SUBS PLEASE READ!!

I have been thinking about this for the past few days and I feel I need to let all those married men out there know the reality of telling your Wife about your submissive desires. First, I want to make something very clear. I decided I wanted to live a D/s relationship BEFORE I found out my husband was living a secret life. Yes, I did find out that my husband had been sneaking onto my computer in the middle of the night, but I had no idea what he was doing. You also need to know the devastation I went through finding out everything my husband had done. My blog represents where I am at today but I can't even begin to describe the devastation and hurt I went through finding out, one by one, everything my husband had done. I also want to tell you that my reaction and choosing to transform my marriage into a FemDom marriage is not necessarily what will happen with you.

I want to make something perfectly clear! I have little to no respect for married men that lead secret lives on the Internet and go off and visit Pro Dommes. While I am working through forgiving my husband for what he has done, it is the rarity that I am doing this. If I could go back in time and erase my memory so I wouldn't have known about all this, I would. Each time I find out something new my husband has done behind my back my heart breaks all over again. Our history is unique to us and I have chosen to stay with him.

I do not want to convey the message that if you go to your Wife and confess all that is OK. All that is going to do is hurt your Wife. It will cause her to compare herself to others she should not be comparing herself too. I know, I did it. I compared myself everyday to the Pro Domme my husband was so enamoured with. I don't anymore because I realize that there is no comparison. She was offering fantasy fulfillment for an exchange of money. I do not blame her at all. She is not the one that betrayed my trust and broke my marriage vows, my husband did. But knowing and accepting that does not make the pain any less.

So please, do not go and confess all your Internet and real life escapades thinking your Wife will forgive you and give a FemDom marriage a shot. You are taking a chance of her rejecting you and leaving you flat. You also need to stop being so selfish and start thinking about how your actions will affect the people in your life if they find out. You will crush her and leave her feeling inadequate, unloved, betrayed and devastated. I am all for you trying to communicate with your Wife your submissive desires but I am not for any pain or anguish it would cause a woman to learn her husband has been cheating on her. TO WOMEN INTERNET ESCAPADES AND VISITS WITH PRO DOMMES IS CHEATING. I know 90% of men think it isn't cheating but let me tell you to a woman it is. It really doesn't matter if you think it is not cheating, all that matters is if she will.

There is my disclaimer on thinking you will be able to go confess everything to your Wives, thinking she will end up like me. Please do not go do that. Follow my other advice and devote yourself to her completely. Stop all the Internet BS and the visits to the Pro Dommes and devote 100% of yourself to your Wife. If it doesn't work out then you can go back to your secret life. PLEASE!!!

Topping from the bottom? Right or wrong?

I have posted this picture as the intro to my post on Topping from the Bottom. Ladies, this is what I want to do to my sub each time he tops from below. Shove something, anything in his mouth so he will SHUT UP!!! If it is my behind, then so be it. Although this particular picture would be a treat for my sub! OK, onto my post!


There have been a few postings on various message boards I am active in that pertain to this subject. While I am no expert in topping from the bottom, I do have some experience in this area. I view "topping from the bottom" when the bottom (or submissive) gives suggestions that are specifically not requested by his or her Dom/me. Wikipedia gives this comment / description:

"Topping from the bottom is usually considered poor practice amongst lifestyle BDSM devotees, although fairly common amongst the "BDSM curious" or newcomers who have had submissive sexual fantasies for some time but lacked real experience of a sexual dominant."

I do not think I could have said it better myself. In the beginning I was very inexperienced and I welcomed "suggestions" from my curious submissive. See, in the beginning I was doing this "BDSM" stuff for him, I didn't see any problems with letting him share his wishes with me. The problem occurred when he suggested being "more Dominant". What he was trying to get from me was true Dominance, not dominance he orchestrated. While at the time I didn't know he was "topping from the bottom", I did feel awkward. In earlier posts I shared that I felt unappreciated. I also felt like my husband wasn't honoring and adoring me, but a fantasy he had in his mind, and how could you blame him? This was a fantasy he had been living over and over in his mind for years and years. I understood that he wanted his fantasies made realities but there was no way I would be able to live up to his fantasies.

I think what bothered me the most was when he would try and express what he wanted during play time. If he wanted me to do something he said so. Looking back now I could have nipped this in the ass real quick, but I had that horrible curse most good girls have. I wanted to please my husband. I didn't understand D/s and I thought it was just a game. We were both very immature and young, and communication was not our gift.

OK, onto the help of this post. I would love to say that I am the Queen of all Dommes and I never let my sub top from the bottom, but I can't. Just the other night he suggested some play I did not have plans for and I indulged him. I wish I could say that I NEVER take that crap, but the bottom line is, I do. I just thank internet land where there is tons and tons of great websites I can go and get advice. I can tell you that I do not indulge topping from the bottom like I did way back when. Now when my husband gives me "suggestions" I chose whether to indulge or not. Before I succumbed to his suggestions, no matter what. I was there to please him and fulfill his fantasy. I never dreamed that I was there to do what I wanted, period!!!

Ms. Rika gave some great advice the other week to a new member. She said to not punish, not become more dominant, but to sit down and talk. She advised to clearly communicate with your submissive. I will quote her directly, as I think her advice is always very wise!!

Quoted from MS. Rika:

"This is a tricky point, however, the answer is NOT to jump in and do what he wants. He needs to understand, even in his cranky state, that he needs to focus on your needs, not his own. It is indeed topping from below if he gives you suggestions unless requested. I do allow my subs to request to make a suggestion...sometimes I allow it, if I'm in the mood. You do need to talk to him at this time, however. The trick is, how to let him vocalize his desires without them being orders for you to follow (or be guilted if you don't). You can sit down with him and request suggestions for you to take under advisement, but not to act on unless you think it's a good idea and it serves you well - and the time is right by your judgement. You might also ask him what he thinks he might be able to do FOR YOU. In other words, you can get him to vocalize without being pushy. I would not suggest becoming "more dominant" in these situations...that only feeds the bad behaviour. Straight conversation is the ticket here. Sit down and re-establish the one-sided compromise. Just be sensitive and open to his desires - in the context of understanding him, but not in the context of things you are willing to do. You could sit him down and openly empathize with him... "it's been 10 days, you must be feeling a little desperate. I'd bet you'd like to have me do things to you because you're kind of helpless to resist, yes? But that's not really what this is about, right? I mean, I ENJOY your frustration!...you want me to have fun at your expense, don't you?" That last statement has an excellent shot at snapping him back into line. If it does, throw him a bone and do something small for him and then have him go and do something for you. For my hubby, I'd have him kiss my butt and then fetch me some ice cream and rub my feet while I eat it and watch tv...maybe rubbing his nipples from time to time with my other foot or have him stand next to me while I fondle his scrotum mindlessly while watching TV and letting him feed me. Or, if you feel he's been really bad, just let him serve you and don't give him anything until he's come around. Your choice. Never feel guilty about not feeding his fantasy. It is a tremendous gift for you to allow him to serve you...and he should appreciate it for what it is. To demand something more is presumptuous, undisciplined, and a little insulting...he should understand that. Once he does, you can feed his fantasy when you feel like it...request ideas when you're in the mood to hear them. Knowledge is power and sometimes the guys can come up with something fun...so listen when you want to and take it under advisement. Put the ideas you like into practice at some later date...when you feel like treating him. In the mean time, rub a little harder...right there...good boy...you serve me so well!"


Again, I understand why so many subs vocalize their desires and suggest to their Dommes. This does not however make it acceptable. So here are some words of advice to new FemDoms and new subs: Give the process a chance to work. I know you subs out there have always dreamed of submitting to a Domme, but you want to truly submit, not push or manipulate. All you will find is frustration and feelings of unfulfillment. If you don't believe me try this: Go find a ProDomme and do some sessions with her. I will bet that after the novelty wears off you will feel completely unfulfilled. How is this different from topping from the bottom? It's not. With a Pro, you are paying her to fulfill a fantasy. The only problem is your fantasy is to be dominated by a woman. How can you be truly dominated by a woman if you are paying her and telling her what you want? Same holds true for suggesting or topping from the bottom!

What you really want is to be at the mercy of a Domme, but if you are "suggesting" and she follows suit, then how is that Domming? You don't really want her to do what you want, you want her to do what she wants. If she wants to spank you then she will. Chances are if she is not doing something you want, she doesn't want to.

Now simple words to my fellow budding Dommes, give your sub a chance to express his fantasies and desires. I had my husband give me his top 10 fantasies over a period of time. This gave me the opportunity to understand his submissive desires deeper. Then I reviewed some BDSM checklists he did. I reviewed them and chose the things we both liked and incorporated them into our playtime's. This also gave me a window into his mind. Now I see the common theme to his submissive nature and I can use that to tantalize him. I also use things he really likes as treats, so he still feels fulfilled.

But still, bottom line trying to "Top from the Bottom" defeats the purpose. When suggestions are given to the Domme, without being asked for, then who is really in control. Especially if the inexperienced Domme fulfills the suggestions. There is a respectful way to communicate a desire by a sub. Sit down with your Domme and ask if you can discuss whatever is on your mind. Usually, if this is done with love and respect, the Domme will take the communication to heart. What a wonderful word, COMMUNICATION. If done at the right time it is invaluable.