Well it finally happened. We had our first major argument since our FemDom marriage conversion. After being married for over 10 years we have had many, many arguments. Since the dynamic of our relationship shifted, I knew a day would come where a conflict would arise between us. I read somewhere where a Wife would tie her husband to a chair when they fought and she would leave him there until he calmed down. When I read that I thought how cool it would be to order my husband, in the middle of an argument, to a chair and tie him there until he calmed down. Well I can tell you right now, the last thing I wanted to do was tie him to a chair. If I would have tied him to a chair during this fight I am not sure if he would still have testicles. I think I would have cut them off. (Just kidding!!) Being a woman, and a human being, I was livid with my husband during this argument. He pissed me off so bad I was seeing red. It took all I had to not continue fighting with him. I walked away to try and control the anger building in myself. It worked but having a clear head was just not going to happen until he apologized.Things have been extremely stressful lately in our lives and he just blew. Let me give a little background so the situation can be better understood. Over the past few years the power struggle in our home was totally out of control. When we would fight my husband would refuse to apologize, even if he was wrong. So when this argument happened Sunday his first reaction was to not apologize and to wait for me to come to him. Well, if I was wrong I would have apologized, but I wasn't wrong. I didn't start the argument and one thing that has come with maturity is being able to admit when your wrong and apologize for it. I didn't want to just react and then have regret later. So, I waited and waited. I was too angry and emotional to be reasonable so the day ended up being a total waste.
Finally Monday morning I got the apology I had been waiting for. I can honestly tell you that the 12 hours from Sunday afternoon to Monday morning was horrible. I love my husband more than I ever have. But that is not all. I find myself loving him in a different way now. I adore him and love the dynamic of our relationship. It is really hard to explain. It hurt to see him regress back to that pathetic man he was. He has come so far in these past few months. I am proud of him and I love every minute we are together. When he leaves to go to work, I think about him all day long. I have never felt this way about anyone. I have never felt this way ever. It is not lust or infatuation. It is so much deeper than that. Whatever it is I do not want to lose it.
I think the hardest part for me during this argument was not being able to control my emotions better. I found a little fear in the fight. I found myself fearing going back to where we were. I know that will never happen but the fear was still there. The whole weekend had been off for both of us and the Domme/sub dynamic wasn't very strong. Everyone is human and snaps sometimes. Snapping at me is unacceptable but we are going to have arguments. This will not be the last time we yell at each other. One thing that totally pissed me off was my husband removed his metal cock ring I have him wear. In my eyes, this is like him removing his wedding ring. Our wedding rings signify our devotion to each other in a vanilla way. The cock ring I have him wear signifies our D/s commitment. I know exactly what he was doing when he removed his ring. He was saying loud and clear that he was not my submissive, at least during the fight. He has asked for it back and I have waited to give it back. I explained to him that I expect him to not remove either of his rings, EVER!! Now this is where the punishment comes in.
I read on saratoga's blog here about FemDom relationships and conflict resolution. I will be re-reading his post again to help me with my correction of my husband. I am struggling with the fine line between allowing my husband and submissive the freedom to express himself and the expectations I have. Do I punish him for what he did or how he did it? Or do I just punish him for the cock ring idiocy and leave the argument part alone?
At the same time I am looking at myself as the Domme in this relationship. I could have stopped this from the beginning. I could have cut him off and made him take a breather. So, I think I need to look at myself for correction just as much as I am looking at him. It is a two way street. As a baby FemDom sometimes I just don't know what to do. Everything is fine between us now. I verbally corrected him regarding his cock ring. He now knows if it is removed again, it will be removed permanently. I am going to speak with a fellow FemDom this weekend and get her opinion. She is also married to her submissive, and her husband and mine are very much alike. I am pretty sure she has dealt with the same issue. As always, I welcome any comments and suggestions from my fellow bloggers. Comment away!!
11 comments:
Hi MrsClaudia.
I have to tell you that this wasn't the last argument you had.
There will be more and they will be more tense. Do you know why?
Because D/s is an extreme relationship, it has extreme expectations and as a result, extreme fights occur.
There are many issues that will come up for both of you and you will have to deal with them.
Let me put it this way:
Getting into the D/s, you both have to get to know each others personallity from the beginning.
Thus, you'll have arguments until everything is set.
As for the punishment:
The fight occured because of a reason. You discussed it and you are back to normal.You both cleared your positions. For me, there is no reason to punish him.
BUT, if he repeats the same mistake, then punishment is necessary.
The same goes for the other fights that will occur. Discussion the first time but punishment the second.
As i wrote to a post, novice is no novice for ever. So, when both of you "grow older" in the D/s and conditions and rules are established for good, then the reactions of you both will be different and conscious.
Thank you Ms. Alice. I love your blog and your words of wisdom.
Hugs!!
Hi MrsClaudia-
I can't advise on what you should do- it's your relationship. MsAlice's counsel sounds effective, tho, to me, as a male submissive.
One thing occurs to me. Personally, I have felt a different sort of reaction to arguments about what happens within the FemDom relationship, e.g., submissive duties, rituals, actions, etc, and at the border- where something infringes on submissive activity.
From there, I would continue to feel as I did in articulating things in my prior posts (3, I think) about punishment and discipline.
-saratoga
I'd also have to agree with MissAlice, 'your back to normal. You both cleared your positions. for me there is no reason to punish him.'
I would stress to him what value you have on your cock ring (like you mentioned)and talk about what it means to him to wear it.
MissBonnie
Collar N cuffs
I echo Ms Alice and Miss Bonnie's advice, and am glad things are on the mend....
I know of a few women who simply turn off the D/s. Completely but just for a few days. He missed her dominance and that was all that she needed to do.
D/s relationships are still human relationships. And sometimes there are things that aren't necessarily proper parts of a power exchange (depends on the couple and the context). It is easy to teach someone though to keep their anger to themselves and simply and not admit the resentment they feel.
It seems to me there is no right or wrong way to deal with an argument in a FemDom marriage. It's whatever works for you... and what works for you may not work for someone else.
Since Goddess V and I adopted this lifestyle, we have fewer arguments and relatively no power struggles. Yeah, I get out of hand at times and mainly this is because I have a way of "forgetting" who is in charge. But do I really "forget"? Probably not. It could be that I just want Goddess V to assert herself.
MrsClaudia,
I'm curious to hear more about the cock ring your husband is able to wear without removing it. This sounds like something worthwhile that Goddess V and I could add to our relationship. Could you elaborate more about what type and where you purchased it?
Thank you.
As long as you both agree to fight fair, you will be okay. You love each other, and that counts for a lot. As long as nobody hits below the belt and is deliberately hurtful, a good argument can even be a positive in the long run.
veezknight,
Please accept my apologies for not answering your question earlier. Life seems to bog things down sometimes. Onto the cock ring, it is not a locking cock ring. It is just a regular cock ring, heavy metal, which he can remove if he wants. It does not lock or anything.
Just like our wedding rings, he can take it off if he chooses, but it is clear that he is not "allowed" to. It is just a simple symbol. I am looking at a metal ball stretcher that locks on. I found one at Tickleberry that I like.
Hope that clears things up!!
You constantly refer to your husband Pre-D/s form as being pathetic etc.
Why did you marry him in the first place?
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