Topping from the bottom? Right or wrong?

I have posted this picture as the intro to my post on Topping from the Bottom. Ladies, this is what I want to do to my sub each time he tops from below. Shove something, anything in his mouth so he will SHUT UP!!! If it is my behind, then so be it. Although this particular picture would be a treat for my sub! OK, onto my post!


There have been a few postings on various message boards I am active in that pertain to this subject. While I am no expert in topping from the bottom, I do have some experience in this area. I view "topping from the bottom" when the bottom (or submissive) gives suggestions that are specifically not requested by his or her Dom/me. Wikipedia gives this comment / description:

"Topping from the bottom is usually considered poor practice amongst lifestyle BDSM devotees, although fairly common amongst the "BDSM curious" or newcomers who have had submissive sexual fantasies for some time but lacked real experience of a sexual dominant."

I do not think I could have said it better myself. In the beginning I was very inexperienced and I welcomed "suggestions" from my curious submissive. See, in the beginning I was doing this "BDSM" stuff for him, I didn't see any problems with letting him share his wishes with me. The problem occurred when he suggested being "more Dominant". What he was trying to get from me was true Dominance, not dominance he orchestrated. While at the time I didn't know he was "topping from the bottom", I did feel awkward. In earlier posts I shared that I felt unappreciated. I also felt like my husband wasn't honoring and adoring me, but a fantasy he had in his mind, and how could you blame him? This was a fantasy he had been living over and over in his mind for years and years. I understood that he wanted his fantasies made realities but there was no way I would be able to live up to his fantasies.

I think what bothered me the most was when he would try and express what he wanted during play time. If he wanted me to do something he said so. Looking back now I could have nipped this in the ass real quick, but I had that horrible curse most good girls have. I wanted to please my husband. I didn't understand D/s and I thought it was just a game. We were both very immature and young, and communication was not our gift.

OK, onto the help of this post. I would love to say that I am the Queen of all Dommes and I never let my sub top from the bottom, but I can't. Just the other night he suggested some play I did not have plans for and I indulged him. I wish I could say that I NEVER take that crap, but the bottom line is, I do. I just thank internet land where there is tons and tons of great websites I can go and get advice. I can tell you that I do not indulge topping from the bottom like I did way back when. Now when my husband gives me "suggestions" I chose whether to indulge or not. Before I succumbed to his suggestions, no matter what. I was there to please him and fulfill his fantasy. I never dreamed that I was there to do what I wanted, period!!!

Ms. Rika gave some great advice the other week to a new member. She said to not punish, not become more dominant, but to sit down and talk. She advised to clearly communicate with your submissive. I will quote her directly, as I think her advice is always very wise!!

Quoted from MS. Rika:

"This is a tricky point, however, the answer is NOT to jump in and do what he wants. He needs to understand, even in his cranky state, that he needs to focus on your needs, not his own. It is indeed topping from below if he gives you suggestions unless requested. I do allow my subs to request to make a suggestion...sometimes I allow it, if I'm in the mood. You do need to talk to him at this time, however. The trick is, how to let him vocalize his desires without them being orders for you to follow (or be guilted if you don't). You can sit down with him and request suggestions for you to take under advisement, but not to act on unless you think it's a good idea and it serves you well - and the time is right by your judgement. You might also ask him what he thinks he might be able to do FOR YOU. In other words, you can get him to vocalize without being pushy. I would not suggest becoming "more dominant" in these situations...that only feeds the bad behaviour. Straight conversation is the ticket here. Sit down and re-establish the one-sided compromise. Just be sensitive and open to his desires - in the context of understanding him, but not in the context of things you are willing to do. You could sit him down and openly empathize with him... "it's been 10 days, you must be feeling a little desperate. I'd bet you'd like to have me do things to you because you're kind of helpless to resist, yes? But that's not really what this is about, right? I mean, I ENJOY your frustration!...you want me to have fun at your expense, don't you?" That last statement has an excellent shot at snapping him back into line. If it does, throw him a bone and do something small for him and then have him go and do something for you. For my hubby, I'd have him kiss my butt and then fetch me some ice cream and rub my feet while I eat it and watch tv...maybe rubbing his nipples from time to time with my other foot or have him stand next to me while I fondle his scrotum mindlessly while watching TV and letting him feed me. Or, if you feel he's been really bad, just let him serve you and don't give him anything until he's come around. Your choice. Never feel guilty about not feeding his fantasy. It is a tremendous gift for you to allow him to serve you...and he should appreciate it for what it is. To demand something more is presumptuous, undisciplined, and a little insulting...he should understand that. Once he does, you can feed his fantasy when you feel like it...request ideas when you're in the mood to hear them. Knowledge is power and sometimes the guys can come up with something fun...so listen when you want to and take it under advisement. Put the ideas you like into practice at some later date...when you feel like treating him. In the mean time, rub a little harder...right there...good boy...you serve me so well!"


Again, I understand why so many subs vocalize their desires and suggest to their Dommes. This does not however make it acceptable. So here are some words of advice to new FemDoms and new subs: Give the process a chance to work. I know you subs out there have always dreamed of submitting to a Domme, but you want to truly submit, not push or manipulate. All you will find is frustration and feelings of unfulfillment. If you don't believe me try this: Go find a ProDomme and do some sessions with her. I will bet that after the novelty wears off you will feel completely unfulfilled. How is this different from topping from the bottom? It's not. With a Pro, you are paying her to fulfill a fantasy. The only problem is your fantasy is to be dominated by a woman. How can you be truly dominated by a woman if you are paying her and telling her what you want? Same holds true for suggesting or topping from the bottom!

What you really want is to be at the mercy of a Domme, but if you are "suggesting" and she follows suit, then how is that Domming? You don't really want her to do what you want, you want her to do what she wants. If she wants to spank you then she will. Chances are if she is not doing something you want, she doesn't want to.

Now simple words to my fellow budding Dommes, give your sub a chance to express his fantasies and desires. I had my husband give me his top 10 fantasies over a period of time. This gave me the opportunity to understand his submissive desires deeper. Then I reviewed some BDSM checklists he did. I reviewed them and chose the things we both liked and incorporated them into our playtime's. This also gave me a window into his mind. Now I see the common theme to his submissive nature and I can use that to tantalize him. I also use things he really likes as treats, so he still feels fulfilled.

But still, bottom line trying to "Top from the Bottom" defeats the purpose. When suggestions are given to the Domme, without being asked for, then who is really in control. Especially if the inexperienced Domme fulfills the suggestions. There is a respectful way to communicate a desire by a sub. Sit down with your Domme and ask if you can discuss whatever is on your mind. Usually, if this is done with love and respect, the Domme will take the communication to heart. What a wonderful word, COMMUNICATION. If done at the right time it is invaluable.