I have been thinking about this for the past few days and I feel I need to let all those married men out there know the reality of telling your Wife about your submissive desires. First, I want to make something very clear. I decided I wanted to live a D/s relationship BEFORE I found out my husband was living a secret life. Yes, I did find out that my husband had been sneaking onto my computer in the middle of the night, but I had no idea what he was doing. You also need to know the devastation I went through finding out everything my husband had done. My blog represents where I am at today but I can't even begin to describe the devastation and hurt I went through finding out, one by one, everything my husband had done. I also want to tell you that my reaction and choosing to transform my marriage into a FemDom marriage is not necessarily what will happen with you.
I want to make something perfectly clear! I have little to no respect for married men that lead secret lives on the Internet and go off and visit Pro Dommes. While I am working through forgiving my husband for what he has done, it is the rarity that I am doing this. If I could go back in time and erase my memory so I wouldn't have known about all this, I would. Each time I find out something new my husband has done behind my back my heart breaks all over again. Our history is unique to us and I have chosen to stay with him.
I do not want to convey the message that if you go to your Wife and confess all that is OK. All that is going to do is hurt your Wife. It will cause her to compare herself to others she should not be comparing herself too. I know, I did it. I compared myself everyday to the Pro Domme my husband was so enamoured with. I don't anymore because I realize that there is no comparison. She was offering fantasy fulfillment for an exchange of money. I do not blame her at all. She is not the one that betrayed my trust and broke my marriage vows, my husband did. But knowing and accepting that does not make the pain any less.
So please, do not go and confess all your Internet and real life escapades thinking your Wife will forgive you and give a FemDom marriage a shot. You are taking a chance of her rejecting you and leaving you flat. You also need to stop being so selfish and start thinking about how your actions will affect the people in your life if they find out. You will crush her and leave her feeling inadequate, unloved, betrayed and devastated. I am all for you trying to communicate with your Wife your submissive desires but I am not for any pain or anguish it would cause a woman to learn her husband has been cheating on her. TO WOMEN INTERNET ESCAPADES AND VISITS WITH PRO DOMMES IS CHEATING. I know 90% of men think it isn't cheating but let me tell you to a woman it is. It really doesn't matter if you think it is not cheating, all that matters is if she will.
There is my disclaimer on thinking you will be able to go confess everything to your Wives, thinking she will end up like me. Please do not go do that. Follow my other advice and devote yourself to her completely. Stop all the Internet BS and the visits to the Pro Dommes and devote 100% of yourself to your Wife. If it doesn't work out then you can go back to your secret life. PLEASE!!!
11 comments:
MrsClaudia-
I agree, it is cheating. Totally. And, as I wrote in this post regarding intimacy , if a male doesn't know how his wife will take his FemDom interests, I don't think he really is sufficiently intimate with her to have the right to cause the turmoil which may follow.
I'm sure others will differ, but I really do believe that the male has a responsiblity to not ruin the relationship/marriage he's in, especially with children, just for his own, selfish fetish or submission drives.
-saratoga
Mrs. Claudia,
Color me confuzzled on exactly how you and your hubby began down this path. I'm guessing it's somewhere in older posts, so I'll look.
But color me clear on agreeing that "internet escapades" and visiting Pro-Dommes are cheating. Something married men should not do.
There may be certain tertiary problems like pregnancy and venereal disease that aren't part of the equation, but it's still cheating. Feelings hurt. Trust betrayed. Children bewildered and damaged should they learn about it.
I'd be curious to hear someone explain why they think it isn't cheating.
as
Nice that there is one point where you can all agree with those "intolerant" right-wing Christians" - calling it cheating.
Very well expressed MissClaudia
I have never cheated on my wife and have never needed to we both went into our relationship with wide open eyes. We switch and she knew of my submissive desires from the begining. I supose you could call me the untimate submissive in that the only reason i switch is i know that it gives her pleasure so i created a Dom Persona for her. If that makes any sense.
GREAT post! I may have to use this one for another "Talks Back" installation.
I really like that while your definition of cheating varies from mine that you don't vilify the Pro Domme.
I have recently experienced involvement in a situation much like you describe, and it's been hugely uncomfortable for all parties involved.
One thing I would like to remind your readers (since it appears you see it)- is that the Pro Domme isn't some maniacal person who takes joy, pleasure, or pride in either being someone's dirty secret or the "homewrecker". It's also a point worth making that Pro Dommes do in fact even have hearts - hearts capable of being broken.
It's also important to realize that often times the men we work with are master manipulators and more times than not will demonize their wives as disinterested, frigid, judgmental, shrews who don't want to be intimate with them, but keep them for the stability they offer. Hell, that they barely tolerate them now, and would/could NEVER accept them as they are (bi, slave, cross dressing, etc).
It's a delicate situation, and one that is bound to devolve into someone's hurt feelings.
I appreciate your words of advice, and hope folks will continue to learn something from your experiences and suggestions. The only point in which I would differ is that honesty IS important... I would be extremely displeased to hear of my hubby's "other life". Not some much being threatened by another, but moreso feeling I missed out on COMPLETELY knowing my chosen person... not being intimately bound to them, not being their BEST friend. And that is where I would feel cheated.
It is my intention to develop a system to help married boys introduce these concepts to their wives without feeling like they've cheated on them. I think you'd be an excellent resource in my project, any interest in collaboration?
Thank you for all you do for all of us Mrs Claudia and hubby.
MWK
Hi Mmk,
I would love to collaborate with you. My email is listed on my profile. It has changed since we emailed last. You are 100% correct in your quote about men vilifying their wives. Most times their wives are loving, caring, women who have feelings. What they do is vilify their wives to justify their actions. Pitifull!!!
Email me, I would love to talk!
Hugs!
Your man searched in the internet for prodommes because you didn't cover him in that sector. It accomodates you a lot you consider that it is cheating, isn't it?
Denise
Hi Denise,
Thank you for your comment. I understand where you are coming from, but using that reasoning where was my husbands responsibility in honoring my wish at the time to not partake in BDSM? I gave my husband many opportunities to leave our marriage if he needed BDSM in his life. He chose to have his cake (me) and eat it too (his secret life).
You can try and blame me (or wives in general) for his choice to have a secret life but he decided to break our marriage vows and partake in sexual activities with another woman!! If I didn't like giving blow jobs does that give my husband the right to hire a prostitute to blow him? I think NOT!!!
No matter which way you cut it married men visiting Pro Dommes is cheating, period. All the justifications and rationalizations don't change a fact.
Thanks again for your comment.
Mrs. Claudia,
I did not want to appear abrupt and rude. I apologize for this. Also I had not occupied that your husband visited pro. I thought that all were just internet stuff. If it is thus, rather you have right. It is cheating.
Regards
Denise
artful sub,
I agree with you and everyone else, it is cheating.
As for addressing your question about someone arguing the other side of the coin, you can always try a forum called Max Fisch. It is an online ad resource for pro-dommes. It also has a very active message board, primarily made up of pro-dommes and subs, many of whom see pro-dommes.
I drop in there from time to time and at least every six weeks or so, a very vigorous discussion will break out about whether or now seeing a pro is cheating.
The male subs, many of whom are married or have SO's, will vehemently defend their use of a pro-domme's services. For insight on the married-male-sub mindset, try there.
Hi Denise,
Thanks for your addl comment. I want you to know that I wasn't snapping at you in anyway. Again I thank you for your comment.
CW,
Thanks for the info on Max Fisch. I am not sure if I want to get into any debates with married men and their dealings with Pro's but I will definately check it out. Thank you sweetie!!!
Hugs to both of you!
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