Mrs. Claudia's subby speaks! - Part one

Mrs. Claudia has asked me to post some comments from my perspective regarding our marriage, how we started in Femdom, some of our problems and some of the solutions. First let me start by saying I am a very lucky person. Mrs. Claudia and I have been together for over twelve years, most of which I have either been trying to repress my submissive BDSM side, or push it onto her. Not until now have I really come to grips with what it really means for me to be submissive. But before I get into what I think submissiveness is, let me tell you a little about me.

I am a 30 something year old business owner who has been into bondage and Femdom for over twenty years. I can't tell you how many times I tied my self up, to only find myself saying: " God if you get me out of this one I promise, blah blah blah. " We never learn!

Now I get to kiss up just a little. I can honestly say the first time I saw Mrs. Claudia I fell in love with her. She is a very sexy and inteligent woman and I am blessed that she is my Wife, best friend, the mother of my children and my Domme. Ok, so now that you know a little bit about me, let me get back on topic.

Mrs. Claudia and I have had a pretty normal marriage through most of our twelve years but I would say around our third year is when things got a little more serious with the BDSM. We have always experimented but I was never satisfied, there always had to be more. This is how I learned to top from the bottom. Always suggesting or pushing, dropping little hints to the point where my wife would just do things to shut me up. Then I think it got to a point where she did these things because if she didn't I wouldn't love her. That's how it starts! The games, the resentments, then the hurt. For all the submissive men this is where we lose. We push to get what we want, then when we get it, its been twisted and perverted into something that seems good on the surface, but there is a volcano just waiting to erupt underneith. Sooner or later the resentment becomes to much for them to bear and they either leave you or just completly withdraw from you.

Mrs. Claudia did the later. She withdrew completely and for the next four or five years we practically lived seperate lives. This is how it starts, the secret life. First you start by going to adult book stores to get magazines and books. Then you start your fantasy world masterbating a little more, than a little more. Let me just say the more we do, the more we withdraw from our wives and that's when fantasy land becomes more important than reality. Over the last couple of years the internet explosion has done wonders to help and hurt the lifestyle. I think that the more us guys go off into our little worlds, especially with the availability of the internet, the harder it becomes to tell the diference between the internet fantasy land of BDSM and the 24/7 lifestyle so many of us think we want.

Internet land is so easy you can plug in when you want, then just turn it off when you don't. NOT REAL! But it's just so easy and men want that quick fix. That place they can go when there stressed out or have had a tough day. I have to tell you on the surface it looks real good but there is no substance, there is no depth. I know, I lived there for years and always yearned for more. Like an addict trying to get a fix but never really finding what I needed. There was always something missing. Then it happened, my world came crashing down real fast. Mrs. Claudia discovered my fantasy land, my escape. Now let me just say that as I look back I didn't make it very hard for her to find. Whether I did it consiously or unconsously, I think I wanted her to find out. I was tired of living two lives. I can only imagine what my marriage might have been if I was actually there. I was there physically, but mentally I was in fantasy land.

Now, what was Mrs. Claudia supposed to do? The answer wasn't so cut and dry. We have both broken each others trust. I know she loves me, and our children, and we have both been through a lot. I think that the first thing Mrs. Claudia had to do was figure out if she would be staying; could she live this lifestyle? Would she be doing it for me or for her? ( If she was to do it for me it would never work!) I hope all the submissive men out there understand your relationship will never last if she is doing this for you, or your kids, or you marriage, or what ever!! I was lucky enough that Mrs. Claudia decided to stay and give our relationship her all. I promised to do the same, but I didn't. I didn't give it my all - I hung onto a little of that fantasy world I built. Why? Honestly, I am not sure. Was I scared? Was I selfish, or just not ready to let go of something I had for so long. You see I had the woman of my dreams willing to dominate me on her terms. Not to play my games but willing to love me and be with me no matter what. I had my dream woman right in front of me. This took me back a little and really scared the shit out of me. The trick is to submit to her completely. Trust her and learn to give to her first, and think of yourself second. If you don't you are only living in fantasy land, topping from the bottom.

In part two I will talk alot more about my relationship now and what reality is like verses fantasy land. I will also talk about how being a submissive man has helpped me become a better friend, lover, husband, submissive and father. I know that I need a strong women in my life to help balance me and I am blessed to have found one.

Mrs. Claudia's subby.