So you think you want to be a Domme? Read on!!

My last few posts have been geared more toward the submissive men and it is high time to talk with my fellow budding FemDom's. Get a cup of coffee (or whatever you like), pull up a chair and let's have a little talk. Since my perspective is from the female point of view I want to talk to all you Ladies like I was right there with you. I realize that no two people are exactly alike, but the more I read from other budding FemDom's, the more I am realizing the core of this lifestyle is the same. From what I have read 90% of the Dommes I know were at one time introduced to this lifestyle by either a spouse or bf. I have only come across a select few that became involved in this lifestyle on their own.

First, I am going to use my situation to share on. By no means did I do everything perfectly. All I can share is how this time is different for me than last time.

I woke up one morning and found that my husband had been on my computer the night before while I was sleeping. It took a while before I confronted him about it and when I finally did I got a defensive attitude and he denied that he was doing anything wrong. Typical behavior from a man that knows he has been caught! My first reaction was rage. Does this man really think I am that stupid? My second emotion was hurt. Since I still didn't know exactly what he was doing I really had nothing concrete to be angry and hurt about. It was the denial that got me. It took a while before I knew exactly what he had been doing. The first thing I did was think. I had some serious decisions to make. Was I going to leave or stay? If I stayed, how was I going to ever be able to trust him again?

So let's put this scenario onto you! Let's say your husband has just come to you and decided to share his submissive desires. Not all men are leading secret lives but you can bet most are. They have looked at FemDom and the desire is so strong to bring it to reality, they take a chance and talk with you. Or let's say you have found out that your husband is being sneaky on the computer. I can tell you how to find out everything, and I mean everything, he has been doing but that can be talked about later. Now, you can do one of two things: you can reject him completely or you can listen and then decide for yourself if this is something that interests you. Take some time, research the reality of FemDom and then decide if this is something you would like to do IF YOU WEREN'T TO STAY WITH YOUR SPOUSE. If this lifestyle is something you don't really find interest in, and you continue to go ahead with it because it is what HE wants, it will never work. Your spouse will have no choice but to top from the bottom. All that will make you left feeling is inadequate and unloved. See, the male submissive, behind all the fetish activities, wants to serve a Dominant woman. If he is molding you into his perfect little Domme it will never work. This will technically leave him in the Dominant role which is not what he wants. I might add this is definately not what you want! Trust me!

So, you have taken some time, researched and you are all for being a FemDom. Now what? How do you go about playing with this man? The activities we engage in can be very dangerous if you don't know what you are doing. Books are wonderful and alot can be learned about safe play, but there is only so much you can learn from books. Nothing compares to learning hands on with an experienced teacher and mentor. For me I really love the mental aspect of D/s. The bondage, teasing and games are a means to an end for me. I can honestly tell you I have learned more about the mental aspects of submissives now that I have in person relationships with other Dommes and subs. So, how do you meet others you can learn from?

The first is a local BDSM support group. If you live in a well populated area you can bet there is a support group near. You might have to travel a little but it's well worth it. It does take time to get to know others in the group. What do you do in the meantime? I know most of you will be completely shocked that I am suggesting this but here goes. I would find a Pro Domme in your area to take lessons from. You don't have to take your submissive with you (although after a few times I suggest you do). Pro's can be expensive but most will work with you if you let them know your budget. Pro's have a insight the average woman doesn't. They talk to thousands of submissive men and they understand the mental aspect of the submissive very well. Most Pro's have been in the lifestyle for years and years. Hence how they got to be Pro's.

One of my best friends is a Pro who has been involved in the lifestyle for over 17 years. She specializes in couples and she loves it when budding FemDom's call her for lessons. I can tell you right now that if it wasn't for this woman, my husband and I might not be together now. She understands the woman's perspective and the man's. She is invaluable. She offers phone counseling and she does in person lessons after she has gotten to know you and your situation via phone calls. She is here in Vegas and I highly recommend her. You can visit her site here . Here name is Mistress Kali Ward and if you are anywhere near Vegas (or not) I would suggest calling her. She started the PEP Buffalo chapter and she is recommended by Elise Sutton. The PEP organization is nationwide and the Pro Dommes they recommend are very compasionate and well educated. PEP's main site can be found here.

This will probably suprise you all more than anything else but I have become very good friends with my husbands Ex-Pro, LadyIceQueen. For months I was envious and intimated by her only to find that she is a loving, compasionate, regular woman like me. She accepted me with love and made me feel beautiful. (Kisses and Hugs to you sweets!) I expected her to be a total cruel bitch but what I found is she is just like me. While I am not grateful that my husband shared sessions with her, I am grateful that I contacted her and now can call her my friend. She was originally in Las Vegas but she has relocated to Glendale, AZ. Like Mistress Kali Ward, she accepts phone counseling and in person lessons. You can find out more about her here. I also highly recommend her to show you techniques and to learn from!!

In conclusion, this lifestyle is not for everyone. THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH YOU IF YOU DO NOT WANT TO BE A DOMME. DO NOT LET YOUR HUSBAND OR Bf PUSH YOU INTO BEING SOMETHING YOUR NOT. While there are many benefits to this lifestyle it is not for everyone. If you do find this lifestyle is for you, please learn all you can on what you like. Be safe in your play. And most of all enjoy, enjoy, enjoy. Enjoy the attention, adoration and power. This is one time where it is ok to be a little selfish and to make it all about you. If you do, you will find what you have always wanted. Care for and guide your submissive into places they have only dreamed of. This is the time to see what you like, what you want, and to bask in the lap of luxury. The benefits are more than you could ever dream of. As always, I welcome emails from anyone who wishes to chat. Let me know how things are going. Good Luck!!!

Mrs. Claudia's subby speaks! - Part one

Mrs. Claudia has asked me to post some comments from my perspective regarding our marriage, how we started in Femdom, some of our problems and some of the solutions. First let me start by saying I am a very lucky person. Mrs. Claudia and I have been together for over twelve years, most of which I have either been trying to repress my submissive BDSM side, or push it onto her. Not until now have I really come to grips with what it really means for me to be submissive. But before I get into what I think submissiveness is, let me tell you a little about me.

I am a 30 something year old business owner who has been into bondage and Femdom for over twenty years. I can't tell you how many times I tied my self up, to only find myself saying: " God if you get me out of this one I promise, blah blah blah. " We never learn!

Now I get to kiss up just a little. I can honestly say the first time I saw Mrs. Claudia I fell in love with her. She is a very sexy and inteligent woman and I am blessed that she is my Wife, best friend, the mother of my children and my Domme. Ok, so now that you know a little bit about me, let me get back on topic.

Mrs. Claudia and I have had a pretty normal marriage through most of our twelve years but I would say around our third year is when things got a little more serious with the BDSM. We have always experimented but I was never satisfied, there always had to be more. This is how I learned to top from the bottom. Always suggesting or pushing, dropping little hints to the point where my wife would just do things to shut me up. Then I think it got to a point where she did these things because if she didn't I wouldn't love her. That's how it starts! The games, the resentments, then the hurt. For all the submissive men this is where we lose. We push to get what we want, then when we get it, its been twisted and perverted into something that seems good on the surface, but there is a volcano just waiting to erupt underneith. Sooner or later the resentment becomes to much for them to bear and they either leave you or just completly withdraw from you.

Mrs. Claudia did the later. She withdrew completely and for the next four or five years we practically lived seperate lives. This is how it starts, the secret life. First you start by going to adult book stores to get magazines and books. Then you start your fantasy world masterbating a little more, than a little more. Let me just say the more we do, the more we withdraw from our wives and that's when fantasy land becomes more important than reality. Over the last couple of years the internet explosion has done wonders to help and hurt the lifestyle. I think that the more us guys go off into our little worlds, especially with the availability of the internet, the harder it becomes to tell the diference between the internet fantasy land of BDSM and the 24/7 lifestyle so many of us think we want.

Internet land is so easy you can plug in when you want, then just turn it off when you don't. NOT REAL! But it's just so easy and men want that quick fix. That place they can go when there stressed out or have had a tough day. I have to tell you on the surface it looks real good but there is no substance, there is no depth. I know, I lived there for years and always yearned for more. Like an addict trying to get a fix but never really finding what I needed. There was always something missing. Then it happened, my world came crashing down real fast. Mrs. Claudia discovered my fantasy land, my escape. Now let me just say that as I look back I didn't make it very hard for her to find. Whether I did it consiously or unconsously, I think I wanted her to find out. I was tired of living two lives. I can only imagine what my marriage might have been if I was actually there. I was there physically, but mentally I was in fantasy land.

Now, what was Mrs. Claudia supposed to do? The answer wasn't so cut and dry. We have both broken each others trust. I know she loves me, and our children, and we have both been through a lot. I think that the first thing Mrs. Claudia had to do was figure out if she would be staying; could she live this lifestyle? Would she be doing it for me or for her? ( If she was to do it for me it would never work!) I hope all the submissive men out there understand your relationship will never last if she is doing this for you, or your kids, or you marriage, or what ever!! I was lucky enough that Mrs. Claudia decided to stay and give our relationship her all. I promised to do the same, but I didn't. I didn't give it my all - I hung onto a little of that fantasy world I built. Why? Honestly, I am not sure. Was I scared? Was I selfish, or just not ready to let go of something I had for so long. You see I had the woman of my dreams willing to dominate me on her terms. Not to play my games but willing to love me and be with me no matter what. I had my dream woman right in front of me. This took me back a little and really scared the shit out of me. The trick is to submit to her completely. Trust her and learn to give to her first, and think of yourself second. If you don't you are only living in fantasy land, topping from the bottom.

In part two I will talk alot more about my relationship now and what reality is like verses fantasy land. I will also talk about how being a submissive man has helpped me become a better friend, lover, husband, submissive and father. I know that I need a strong women in my life to help balance me and I am blessed to have found one.

Mrs. Claudia's subby.

DISCLAIMER!! ALL MARRIED MALE SUBS PLEASE READ!!

I have been thinking about this for the past few days and I feel I need to let all those married men out there know the reality of telling your Wife about your submissive desires. First, I want to make something very clear. I decided I wanted to live a D/s relationship BEFORE I found out my husband was living a secret life. Yes, I did find out that my husband had been sneaking onto my computer in the middle of the night, but I had no idea what he was doing. You also need to know the devastation I went through finding out everything my husband had done. My blog represents where I am at today but I can't even begin to describe the devastation and hurt I went through finding out, one by one, everything my husband had done. I also want to tell you that my reaction and choosing to transform my marriage into a FemDom marriage is not necessarily what will happen with you.

I want to make something perfectly clear! I have little to no respect for married men that lead secret lives on the Internet and go off and visit Pro Dommes. While I am working through forgiving my husband for what he has done, it is the rarity that I am doing this. If I could go back in time and erase my memory so I wouldn't have known about all this, I would. Each time I find out something new my husband has done behind my back my heart breaks all over again. Our history is unique to us and I have chosen to stay with him.

I do not want to convey the message that if you go to your Wife and confess all that is OK. All that is going to do is hurt your Wife. It will cause her to compare herself to others she should not be comparing herself too. I know, I did it. I compared myself everyday to the Pro Domme my husband was so enamoured with. I don't anymore because I realize that there is no comparison. She was offering fantasy fulfillment for an exchange of money. I do not blame her at all. She is not the one that betrayed my trust and broke my marriage vows, my husband did. But knowing and accepting that does not make the pain any less.

So please, do not go and confess all your Internet and real life escapades thinking your Wife will forgive you and give a FemDom marriage a shot. You are taking a chance of her rejecting you and leaving you flat. You also need to stop being so selfish and start thinking about how your actions will affect the people in your life if they find out. You will crush her and leave her feeling inadequate, unloved, betrayed and devastated. I am all for you trying to communicate with your Wife your submissive desires but I am not for any pain or anguish it would cause a woman to learn her husband has been cheating on her. TO WOMEN INTERNET ESCAPADES AND VISITS WITH PRO DOMMES IS CHEATING. I know 90% of men think it isn't cheating but let me tell you to a woman it is. It really doesn't matter if you think it is not cheating, all that matters is if she will.

There is my disclaimer on thinking you will be able to go confess everything to your Wives, thinking she will end up like me. Please do not go do that. Follow my other advice and devote yourself to her completely. Stop all the Internet BS and the visits to the Pro Dommes and devote 100% of yourself to your Wife. If it doesn't work out then you can go back to your secret life. PLEASE!!!