Wednesday, March 21, 2007

The Male Submissive - Chivalry or weakness?

What image comes to mind when you hear the word "male submissive"? When you hear Female Domination, what is the first image that comes to mind? For me, even now, the first thing that comes to mind is a weak, pathetic man down on his knees being whipped by a leather clad Dominatrix. Even though I am living a 24/7 FemDom marriage, I still have that image that comes to mind when I hear male submissive. Why do so many people think that the male submissive is weak and pathetic? Is it because that is what most are exposed to, whether it is in main stream films or pornography on the internet? This preconceived notion is what hindered me from fully embracing D/s and FemDom in the beginning. So, could this image that has been burned into our brains effect the way women view FemDom? Of course. In my previous post I expressed my opinion on introducing your wife to FemDom. The reason I chose the route of seducing her Dominant nature was for this reason. Most women will automatically think of that pathetic weak man crawling on all fours. Yuck!!!

So, is the modern day male submissive really a knight in shinning armour? Or weak and pathetic? In my opinion they are knights in shinning armour.

Let's take a moment to think about the modern man. For some reason they think that since women are wanting to be seen as equals in the work place, that they also want to be seen as equals outside the workplace. Now don't get me wrong, I am all for the feminist movement. I think women should have the right to vote, drive and make the same wage as a man. Just because women won this right does not mean they want to be treated as men. Women should be respected, cherished and adored. Bottom line is women should be treated like women. There have been so many times I have had a door not held open for me by a man. Or when in the grocery store and man not pulling his cart aside to let me pass first. The only thing that comes to mind when I encounter these men is how totally pathetic and idiotic they are. Nothing is more unattractive then a selfish, macho, egocentric man. A man with the attitude that women should be treated like men.

So, how are submissive men different from these other men? Submissive men adore and honor women. They hold doors open for complete strangers. They offer to let a woman pass first in a crowded isle at the grocery store. They offer to help. They don't see women as the same as men, they see women as special.

Just this past weekend we attended a surprise birthday party. In our group there are very few FemDom couples. The surprise party was for one of the submissive men, which left two other sub men at the party. One of them was my husband and the other was the husband of a good friend. I had already told my husband he was to assist the hostess in any way she needed. She is a female submissive and is not accustomed to asking for help. My husband obeyed and helped her all night long, along with the other submissive male. It was unbelievable how attentive they both were. Instead of having to be asked to help they both jumped right in. What I think really shocked me is when my husband told me that he thoroughly enjoyed helping the hostess. The immediate gratification he got from helping was obeying my instructions. The second he got was from serving. Even though the hostess is a submissive herself she is still a woman. My husband made sure he carried heavy items for her, took care of the trash and basically did anything she needed.

At the end of the night I received one of the greatest compliments I have ever gotten. Oh, I had received compliments all night on how beautiful and hot I looked, which was great. But these last two comments I will keep in my heart forever. The hostess and one of my good FemDom friends pulled me aside and told me how amazing they thought my husband was. They were so impressed by his attentiveness. And then, there was the cherry on the top of my cake - they both, almost in unison, told me how lucky I was to have such a caring and attentive husband and submissive. What floored me is they have no idea how true their words are.

It is amazing how far my husband has come in the past 5 months. He is like night and day. He lives to please me. He is, day by day, becoming a better man, husband, father and submissive. He finally understands that I am to be cherished, and he is to be grateful to have me. He is so good to me. Even though I stay home, if at the end of the day I haven't gotten a chance to put the clothes away, he will do it. Even though he works all day, when he gets home he will cook because he knows I hate it. Just 5 months ago he was a selfish, fantasy driven, sub-centric man. He wouldn't open the car door for me, wait for me to walk by my side, make dinner. He might have done some of those things but you can bet he would have let me know he wasn't happy about having to do them. 5 months ago my husband was not a submissive man by any stretch of the imagination. He thought he was, but he wasn't. He was a pathetic, macho man that most women look at and want to throw up.

Oh, but now, he is a submissive man who is also a knight in shinning armour. When submission is truly brought out in a man they become modern day knights. They lose their resentment and stop taking life for granted. I do not know if I would feel this way today if it weren't for the transformation I have seen in my husband. But then I guess there is nothing like a dose of reality amidts the fantasy world of movies and the internet. I am the luckiest woman in the world to be blessed by having a submissive who is not only strong and loving but who cherishes and adores me. I wish there were more truly submissive men in this world.

The bottom line is, in my opinion, the modern day male submissive is the woman's answer to that long, lost knight. Complete with chivalry and adoration. The macho man who treats women like dirt is actually the pathetic, weak man. Maybe as our society continues to decline, more women will wake up a replace that weak image of the male submissive with one like the picture I chose to start this post with. Hopefully!!!

Tuesday, March 20, 2007

How to approach your wife about D/s.

First things first! I want to make it very clear that the way I am suggesting a male submissive introduce his wife to FemDom is strictly my opinion. I have very limited experience and all I can share is the contrast between when I was first introduced to this lifestyle by my husband and this last time. While this last time I initiated the D/s relationship, I was still originally introduced to it by my husband. I would have had no idea what Female Domination was if he hadn't come to me 10 years ago and expressed his desires. With that said - onto my post.

Originally my husband came to me and shared that he liked to be tied up. He approached me subtly in the context of doing something new and fresh in the bedroom. I had seen Basic Instinct and thought it was really hot when Sharon Stone had tied up Michael Douglas with silk scarves. I was game and decided to indulge my husband. After I tied him to the bed with some neck ties I thought it was fun. He seemed to enjoy it very much and I had never seen him so excited. We continued to play for a while, advancing to rope. I would say my husband was a fantasy driven submissive, possibly even a fetishist. Although he doesn't have a particular fetish (other than possibly a foot fetish) he was totally obsessed with bondage and humiliation.

Since I really didn't know any better the entire experience was about him and pleasing him. He focused on his wants and needs and never considered the adoration and worship of me. He assumed I enjoyed this as much as he did and was shocked when I expressed my desire to stop playing. Our regular sex life had been replaced with BDSM and our entire lives were revolving around it. It was very easy for my husband to get caught up in the sexual aspect of D/s, very easy. While we weren't playing, he would be on the internet looking at bondage and BDSM sites. He would regularly bug me to play and "tie him up". When regular life was taking place he was lazy and self centered. Instead of telling me how wonderful I was, he would tell me what he wanted me to do. If I wasn't being mean enough, he would ask me to be meaner. If I wasn't talking enough, he would ask me to talk more to him. I was left feeling that being a Domme was more of a chore than anything. Instead of him letting the process evolve naturally, he tried to force it.

He wanted the fantasy in his mind to become a reality, but what he failed to realize is reality doesn't hold a candle to fantasy. In our fantasies there are no kids, no work, no financial responsibilities. Most women, whether FemDom or not, do not want a inanimate object to order around 24/7 and use for only sex. I am sure there are a few but most want a life partner that they can share their triumphs and tribulations with. It is purely fantasy, where a FemDom has a sub sit in the corner, waiting for her next command, always bitchy and controlling. For me there are days where the last thing I want to do is give a command. Usually on those days I want to be cuddled and told over and over how wonderful and beautiful I am. How I am my husbands whole world and he couldn't imagine living without me. What really puts the icing on the cake is if he tells me I am the perfect woman, and he wouldn't change a thing about me. I am human; I cry, laugh, get angry, get sick, and get PMS. I am the whole package, not a male created FemDom written about for other subs to read and jack off to.

So, how would I recommend a male submissive introduce their wives to D/s: take it slow, very slow. The last thing you want to do is go to your wife and tell her all your deep dark submissive secrets. Trust me when I tell you she will completely freak out if you go to her and tell her you wish to be tied up like a mummy and forced to be fucked in the ass with a huge strap on. Down the road you might be able to tell her that but definitely not right away.

Begin with serving her. If you don't already help with the household chores (whether she works or is a stay at home mom), start helping. Don't ask what you can do to help her, just do it. If she regularly cooks, cook one night and let her relax and read a book. When dinner is over, clear the table and do the dishes. Maybe get a nice bath ready for her, with the works: Candles, wine, oils, soft music. If you can, sit beside the tub and rub her back and wash her. Talk about her day and how things are going in her life. Spontaneously kiss her hand while you are driving somewhere and tell her she is the most beautiful woman in the world and that you are lucky she chose you to share her life with. During your next romp in the sack, focus on her pleasure only. Go so far as to not orgasm at all. When she goes to reciprocate by pleasuring you, tell her this night was about her and only her. Sit on the floor beside her and rub her feet, especially if she works and wears high heals all day. If you have children and she normally gets them ready for bed, you get them ready, while allowing her to relax and watch TV. Make her feel like a Queen!

Eventually she will ask you what is up. Now this is the crucial time - DO NOT SPRING ON HER YOUR KINKY DESIRES! This will just convey to her that the only reason you are doing all these nice things is to get something from her. This will be the fastest way to turn her off. A woman wants nothing more than to be adored and loved. If she thinks that you are only doing these nice things to get what you want, she will feel resentment and look at you as totally selfish and self-centered. You want to ignite her Dominance with your subtle submission.

You will start to notice a change in her. She will start to feel love and adoration for you in return. She will then come to you and initiate a conversation, possibly about wanting to do something to please you. This is OK. Men and women want to please each other and there is nothing wrong with your potential Domme wife wanting to do that. This is the time to gently share with her a little bit of your desires. Start with something non-threatening to her. Bondage is a great starter. Our society has embraced using silk scarves or neck ties to tie your lover's hands to the bedpost and ravish them. She will probably not be threatened about this in the least.

Another thing you could try is surprising her with a date night. Get a sitter (if you have kids) and take her to a nice restaurant. Set up some champagne at home, with candles in your bedroom. Make one of the candles her favorite scented candle (look around the house and you will see her favorite). Have clean sheets on the bed with maybe some rose petals thrown on the bed and floor. Make sure they are red roses. Get a romantic sex game and have it set up on the bed. There are some great romantic sex games out there. If you don't have a vibrator, get one. The rabbit or something similar is perfect. When you start playing the game there will be "Share a fantasy card" that you will get. Stack the deck if you have too. Then when you get that fantasy card, share with her a simple fantasy of being tied up and teased. That is just an example of a simple, non-threatening BDSM fantasy that shouldn't freak her out.

Well, those are some simple pointers to start with. Just remember that in today's society, women have so much on their plates. They work full time or stay at home raising kids all day. They have so much responsibility the last thing they want is to be responsible for you. If your wife gets the impression that this is just another thing she has to do, she will hate it. A male submissive is there to enhance his Dommes life, not hinder it. She has to see the positives in it for her, not what she has to do to keep you happy.

True male submission is adoring, loving and worshiping your Wife. You will find fulfilment and satisfaction in serving her. The bondage and spanking and humiliation is fun, but the bottom line is the adoration you have for your Domme. Just ask my husband, he would rather kiss and lick my body from head to toe, making me orgasm over and over, than being tied up and teased. Before, he only wanted the later, but now he lives to worship and serve me. He is just lucky that I like to tie him up and tease the shit out of him. But that is a whole other post.

Thursday, March 15, 2007

It's spring time in Sin City!!

Quick post. Today the temp is a beautiful 88 degrees. There is a slight breeze and the sky is clear with just a few whispering clouds in the distance. The trees are budding and the flowers are blooming. Ladies are sporting there sun dresses and high heels. The really daring ones are out in their short shorts and belly shirts. Oh, the joy of living in Sin City. I am truly blessed. You know your jealous!!! As you should be :-)

Well, it finally happened - our first fight!!

Well it finally happened. We had our first major argument since our FemDom marriage conversion. After being married for over 10 years we have had many, many arguments. Since the dynamic of our relationship shifted, I knew a day would come where a conflict would arise between us. I read somewhere where a Wife would tie her husband to a chair when they fought and she would leave him there until he calmed down. When I read that I thought how cool it would be to order my husband, in the middle of an argument, to a chair and tie him there until he calmed down. Well I can tell you right now, the last thing I wanted to do was tie him to a chair. If I would have tied him to a chair during this fight I am not sure if he would still have testicles. I think I would have cut them off. (Just kidding!!) Being a woman, and a human being, I was livid with my husband during this argument. He pissed me off so bad I was seeing red. It took all I had to not continue fighting with him. I walked away to try and control the anger building in myself. It worked but having a clear head was just not going to happen until he apologized.

Things have been extremely stressful lately in our lives and he just blew. Let me give a little background so the situation can be better understood. Over the past few years the power struggle in our home was totally out of control. When we would fight my husband would refuse to apologize, even if he was wrong. So when this argument happened Sunday his first reaction was to not apologize and to wait for me to come to him. Well, if I was wrong I would have apologized, but I wasn't wrong. I didn't start the argument and one thing that has come with maturity is being able to admit when your wrong and apologize for it. I didn't want to just react and then have regret later. So, I waited and waited. I was too angry and emotional to be reasonable so the day ended up being a total waste.

Finally Monday morning I got the apology I had been waiting for. I can honestly tell you that the 12 hours from Sunday afternoon to Monday morning was horrible. I love my husband more than I ever have. But that is not all. I find myself loving him in a different way now. I adore him and love the dynamic of our relationship. It is really hard to explain. It hurt to see him regress back to that pathetic man he was. He has come so far in these past few months. I am proud of him and I love every minute we are together. When he leaves to go to work, I think about him all day long. I have never felt this way about anyone. I have never felt this way ever. It is not lust or infatuation. It is so much deeper than that. Whatever it is I do not want to lose it.

I think the hardest part for me during this argument was not being able to control my emotions better. I found a little fear in the fight. I found myself fearing going back to where we were. I know that will never happen but the fear was still there. The whole weekend had been off for both of us and the Domme/sub dynamic wasn't very strong. Everyone is human and snaps sometimes. Snapping at me is unacceptable but we are going to have arguments. This will not be the last time we yell at each other. One thing that totally pissed me off was my husband removed his metal cock ring I have him wear. In my eyes, this is like him removing his wedding ring. Our wedding rings signify our devotion to each other in a vanilla way. The cock ring I have him wear signifies our D/s commitment. I know exactly what he was doing when he removed his ring. He was saying loud and clear that he was not my submissive, at least during the fight. He has asked for it back and I have waited to give it back. I explained to him that I expect him to not remove either of his rings, EVER!! Now this is where the punishment comes in.

I read on saratoga's blog here about FemDom relationships and conflict resolution. I will be re-reading his post again to help me with my correction of my husband. I am struggling with the fine line between allowing my husband and submissive the freedom to express himself and the expectations I have. Do I punish him for what he did or how he did it? Or do I just punish him for the cock ring idiocy and leave the argument part alone?

At the same time I am looking at myself as the Domme in this relationship. I could have stopped this from the beginning. I could have cut him off and made him take a breather. So, I think I need to look at myself for correction just as much as I am looking at him. It is a two way street. As a baby FemDom sometimes I just don't know what to do. Everything is fine between us now. I verbally corrected him regarding his cock ring. He now knows if it is removed again, it will be removed permanently. I am going to speak with a fellow FemDom this weekend and get her opinion. She is also married to her submissive, and her husband and mine are very much alike. I am pretty sure she has dealt with the same issue. As always, I welcome any comments and suggestions from my fellow bloggers. Comment away!!