She finally did it - MsRika wrote a book!!

It is finally here. MsRika, a lifestyle Female Dominant, who is one of the wisest women I have ever known, has released a book. I have mentioned her website several times as an invaluable resource to the new Femdom, but a book will surely be a resource every Femdom will want in her library.

This does not only go for the women in this lifestyle, but for the men too. Her special insight into the submissive males mind is extraordinary. I hope this book is read by every person, male or female, that wants to learn more about the D/s lifestyle. I have already ordered my copy and I will post again once I have read it. I am very excited!!

Just a side note here - I am in no way affiliated or profiting from MsRika's book. She is simply a woman I admire greatly and I firmly believe she has much to offer Femdom lifestyle couples. When I was rediscovering the 24/7 D/s lifestyle, her website and advice was what I found. By far, her vast experience and real life application of the principles of a Femdom lifestyle, are what a novice Female Dominant should learn.

So, with that said, here is the link to purchase her book. http://www.lulu.com/browse/preview.php?fCID=1923165 It is available through lulu.com. I do hope you read her book and join her message board (http://msrika.com/phpBB2/). She replies personally to most messages, and always replies to direct messages posted to her. I will be taking a break from my counseling services and website, so I will be spending most of my time reading my favorite blogs and interacting on my favorite message boards. I hope to chat with my long lost friends in the next few weeks!! I have some posts that I have been meaning to write but haven't had the time. I am glad to be back to the basics!!!!

Kisses,
MrsClaudia

Stupid, pathetic, idiot MEN!!! I hope you don't have one of these!!

Why do some men think life is all about them? Why do they think that they are "owed" certain things because they supposedly "love their Wives"? Then they think their Wives are prudish or not interested in Ds? These guys are total fucking losers. No matter what, they will not find fulfilment or happiness because it is all about THEM!!! Well what about their Wives? Why shouldn't it be also about them?? If these loser husbands have the audacity to think that as long as they say "Hey honey, I love you and I have been around for 20 years" that should be enough they have another thing coming!! They say to them selves "Oh, come on baby, what is your problem. I want to pretend to be submissive as long as you do exactly what I want you to do and I don't have to do anything else but be the center of the universe. Fuck you honey, it should be good enough that I grace you with my presence everyday. Don't you know wifey, this marriage is all about me and what you can do for ME!! And let me tell you something, if you don't do exactly what I want, when I want it, I will treat you even more like shit, ignore you completely and go off and live in some fantasy land where I can pretend to be at the mercy of some woman, just as long as she is also making everything about me."

Men like this are so totally fucking pathetic it is scary. I feel so bad for their Wives, these women could be married to someone who adores and appreciates them. These women could have everything they have ever dreamed of, if they would just kick these losers to the curb and actually find someone who would treat them like Queens. If there are any wives reading this and this is hitting close to home, I have this to say: YOU DESERVE BETTER THAN THIS. YOU DESERVE TO BE LOVED, CHERISHED AND ADORED. YOU DESERVE TOTAL ADORATION FROM THE MAN IN YOUR LIFE. YOU DO!!!!!!!!!

People think I hate internet fantasy land, and this proves why I do. These guys go and look at sites that make it all about them. They think that women want to go around giving endless attention to these pathetic men, without getting anything in return. Who the hell would want to do anything where they don't get something out of it?? A man who thinks his Wife will want to tease him daily, denying his orgasms and not give her anything back is totally living in fantasy land. If the husband isn't going to put his Wife on a pedestal and make her feel attractive, adored and cherished, why does he think she will ever want to anything for him??

I am not even talking about having to live a supposed 24/7 D/s marriage. Not everyone in this lifestyle wants it to be all the time. I am talking about making your Wife feel like she did when you first met. I am talking about not taking her for granted and not making everything about you. When you married didn't you say you would "Love, honor and CHERISH??" Did that go out the window the minute your Wife had nothing left to give? Don't you realize that you will end up happier in the end if you adore and cherish your Wife?? Don't you realize that she will WANT to take more control of you if you make her feel attractive and special? I guess not!!

In my marriage, I feel loved and cherished. My husband makes me feel like I am his whole world, showing me respect and adoration. He doesn't go around doing everything for me and he has his own personality. He gets a lot out of this marriage because he gives. By him giving to me, it gives me the energy and desire to give back to him. Women in general are very giving creatures, but they can't give if they aren't being replenished. That is the husbands job - to replenish!!

I guess I am done ranting and raving. I have one thing more to say to these men - stay in your little world, jacking off to thoughts of the whole world revolving around you and you not ever having to do anything but take, take, take. I can promise you that no woman, unless she is paid, will ever want to do anything remotely Ds with you. You have nothing to give because you are a leach, sucking the very life out of your Wives. Taking what you can and never giving anything back. You are right where you deserve to be - in a pathetic , miserable world. I hope you are happy!!! LOSER!!!

Topping from the bottom? Right or wrong?

I have posted this picture as the intro to my post on Topping from the Bottom. Ladies, this is what I want to do to my sub each time he tops from below. Shove something, anything in his mouth so he will SHUT UP!!! If it is my behind, then so be it. Although this particular picture would be a treat for my sub! OK, onto my post!


There have been a few postings on various message boards I am active in that pertain to this subject. While I am no expert in topping from the bottom, I do have some experience in this area. I view "topping from the bottom" when the bottom (or submissive) gives suggestions that are specifically not requested by his or her Dom/me. Wikipedia gives this comment / description:

"Topping from the bottom is usually considered poor practice amongst lifestyle BDSM devotees, although fairly common amongst the "BDSM curious" or newcomers who have had submissive sexual fantasies for some time but lacked real experience of a sexual dominant."

I do not think I could have said it better myself. In the beginning I was very inexperienced and I welcomed "suggestions" from my curious submissive. See, in the beginning I was doing this "BDSM" stuff for him, I didn't see any problems with letting him share his wishes with me. The problem occurred when he suggested being "more Dominant". What he was trying to get from me was true Dominance, not dominance he orchestrated. While at the time I didn't know he was "topping from the bottom", I did feel awkward. In earlier posts I shared that I felt unappreciated. I also felt like my husband wasn't honoring and adoring me, but a fantasy he had in his mind, and how could you blame him? This was a fantasy he had been living over and over in his mind for years and years. I understood that he wanted his fantasies made realities but there was no way I would be able to live up to his fantasies.

I think what bothered me the most was when he would try and express what he wanted during play time. If he wanted me to do something he said so. Looking back now I could have nipped this in the ass real quick, but I had that horrible curse most good girls have. I wanted to please my husband. I didn't understand D/s and I thought it was just a game. We were both very immature and young, and communication was not our gift.

OK, onto the help of this post. I would love to say that I am the Queen of all Dommes and I never let my sub top from the bottom, but I can't. Just the other night he suggested some play I did not have plans for and I indulged him. I wish I could say that I NEVER take that crap, but the bottom line is, I do. I just thank internet land where there is tons and tons of great websites I can go and get advice. I can tell you that I do not indulge topping from the bottom like I did way back when. Now when my husband gives me "suggestions" I chose whether to indulge or not. Before I succumbed to his suggestions, no matter what. I was there to please him and fulfill his fantasy. I never dreamed that I was there to do what I wanted, period!!!

Ms. Rika gave some great advice the other week to a new member. She said to not punish, not become more dominant, but to sit down and talk. She advised to clearly communicate with your submissive. I will quote her directly, as I think her advice is always very wise!!

Quoted from MS. Rika:

"This is a tricky point, however, the answer is NOT to jump in and do what he wants. He needs to understand, even in his cranky state, that he needs to focus on your needs, not his own. It is indeed topping from below if he gives you suggestions unless requested. I do allow my subs to request to make a suggestion...sometimes I allow it, if I'm in the mood. You do need to talk to him at this time, however. The trick is, how to let him vocalize his desires without them being orders for you to follow (or be guilted if you don't). You can sit down with him and request suggestions for you to take under advisement, but not to act on unless you think it's a good idea and it serves you well - and the time is right by your judgement. You might also ask him what he thinks he might be able to do FOR YOU. In other words, you can get him to vocalize without being pushy. I would not suggest becoming "more dominant" in these situations...that only feeds the bad behaviour. Straight conversation is the ticket here. Sit down and re-establish the one-sided compromise. Just be sensitive and open to his desires - in the context of understanding him, but not in the context of things you are willing to do. You could sit him down and openly empathize with him... "it's been 10 days, you must be feeling a little desperate. I'd bet you'd like to have me do things to you because you're kind of helpless to resist, yes? But that's not really what this is about, right? I mean, I ENJOY your frustration!...you want me to have fun at your expense, don't you?" That last statement has an excellent shot at snapping him back into line. If it does, throw him a bone and do something small for him and then have him go and do something for you. For my hubby, I'd have him kiss my butt and then fetch me some ice cream and rub my feet while I eat it and watch tv...maybe rubbing his nipples from time to time with my other foot or have him stand next to me while I fondle his scrotum mindlessly while watching TV and letting him feed me. Or, if you feel he's been really bad, just let him serve you and don't give him anything until he's come around. Your choice. Never feel guilty about not feeding his fantasy. It is a tremendous gift for you to allow him to serve you...and he should appreciate it for what it is. To demand something more is presumptuous, undisciplined, and a little insulting...he should understand that. Once he does, you can feed his fantasy when you feel like it...request ideas when you're in the mood to hear them. Knowledge is power and sometimes the guys can come up with something fun...so listen when you want to and take it under advisement. Put the ideas you like into practice at some later date...when you feel like treating him. In the mean time, rub a little harder...right there...good boy...you serve me so well!"


Again, I understand why so many subs vocalize their desires and suggest to their Dommes. This does not however make it acceptable. So here are some words of advice to new FemDoms and new subs: Give the process a chance to work. I know you subs out there have always dreamed of submitting to a Domme, but you want to truly submit, not push or manipulate. All you will find is frustration and feelings of unfulfillment. If you don't believe me try this: Go find a ProDomme and do some sessions with her. I will bet that after the novelty wears off you will feel completely unfulfilled. How is this different from topping from the bottom? It's not. With a Pro, you are paying her to fulfill a fantasy. The only problem is your fantasy is to be dominated by a woman. How can you be truly dominated by a woman if you are paying her and telling her what you want? Same holds true for suggesting or topping from the bottom!

What you really want is to be at the mercy of a Domme, but if you are "suggesting" and she follows suit, then how is that Domming? You don't really want her to do what you want, you want her to do what she wants. If she wants to spank you then she will. Chances are if she is not doing something you want, she doesn't want to.

Now simple words to my fellow budding Dommes, give your sub a chance to express his fantasies and desires. I had my husband give me his top 10 fantasies over a period of time. This gave me the opportunity to understand his submissive desires deeper. Then I reviewed some BDSM checklists he did. I reviewed them and chose the things we both liked and incorporated them into our playtime's. This also gave me a window into his mind. Now I see the common theme to his submissive nature and I can use that to tantalize him. I also use things he really likes as treats, so he still feels fulfilled.

But still, bottom line trying to "Top from the Bottom" defeats the purpose. When suggestions are given to the Domme, without being asked for, then who is really in control. Especially if the inexperienced Domme fulfills the suggestions. There is a respectful way to communicate a desire by a sub. Sit down with your Domme and ask if you can discuss whatever is on your mind. Usually, if this is done with love and respect, the Domme will take the communication to heart. What a wonderful word, COMMUNICATION. If done at the right time it is invaluable.