Things a male sub can do to jump start a D/s relationship!

In my previous post "What happens when life gets in the way?" I posted some great suggestions for the Female Dominant to do in a relationship when it has lost track or fizzled. Now, I want to share my thoughts of what the male submissive in a relationship can do to help their Femdom counterpart get back on track. Since a D/s relationship is based on a agreed upon Power Exchange, it is very important for the male sub to realize that his actions, or lack thereof, have a direct effect on how his Femdom acts or reacts. I know in the romance and fictional stories, it is always the Female that seems to come in, regardless of the males feelings or desires, and forces him to surrender his will and to submit. While that is great for fantasy time and fun, it is far from the reality that encompasses a 24/7 D/s relationship.

With the daily pressures a woman faces in this day and age, it can be very easy to succumb to life's worries and headaches. With all the external pressures a woman faces, is it any wonder why most women do not find this style of relationship appealing? Why, who in their right minds would want to add pressure and responsibility? No-one my dear!! That is why it is your first responsibility to make sure you are doing everything in your power to make your significant others life easier. Whether that is clearing the table after dinner, or doing the laundry one night. If your Wife (or girlfriend or significant other or whatever) is busy all day at the office (or at home with three kids) and then comes home and has to cook dinner, clean the dishes, do laundry, get the kids baths ready, do homework, etc and then you don't understand why she has no interest in D/s, well I wonder why? You like the idea of being a slave to lessen the responsibilities and worries of daily life, yet you do not think your better half has those same wants and needs? You foolish man you!!!!!!!

OK, let's get down to brass tactics! If you have already taken on more responsibility at home and have an established D/s relationship - GREAT! You can still learn how to do it better so continue reading. If you have taken on extra responsibilities around the house and have slacked off then this is for you! I know everyone runs into burnout, God knows I am right there with you! I am sharing a few things that my husband either does or has done in the past that has made my life easier or has made me feel better. That's right, your responsibility is to make your Wife FEEL BETTER too!!

OK, here goes.......................

1. Plan a date night. Get a sitter, make reservations and tell your Wife to be ready for a night out on the town. Tell her to go buy a new dress and some nice lingerie to wear. I do not care how big or small a woman is, nice lingerie always makes you feel better (and sexy too!) Call the restaurant ahead of time and have something special for your Wife. Maybe flowers, or her favorite wine. Then either have tickets for a comedy show or tickets to a movie. (or tickets to whatever - just get her out of the house for a nice evening!)

2. Draw her a bath with candles and wine and LEAVE HER ALONE FOR A WHILE. Do not sit on your knees waiting to be dismissed unless this is something that is a regular routine for the two of you. This will only piss her off, especially if she is in D/s burnout!

3. Make a book of coupons for things your Wife really needs. Not "I will make you orgasm 50 times before I am allowed to orgasm". This is also not the time or place for this. Include some coupons in there giving her the afternoon off to go shopping while you watch the kids. Then make sure you have enough money in the bank account to pay for that shopping trip!

4. Get the kids ready for bed one night, baths and all. Then come into your bedroom and tell your Wife to give you 5 minutes, you have a surprise for her. Set up massage lotion or oil and light some candles in the room. Spray some nice perfume on the sheets or covers so it will smell good when she lies down. Then tell her to come into the room, and wait for her on your knees. Tell her it is her night to be pampered and adored and you expect nothing in return. (and don't expect anything in return!) Give her a wonderful massage and then (if you are not in chastity), make sweet love to her without you cumming. If she gives you permission, great, if not - no cumming for you my dear!

5. Go grocery shopping for her. I hate grocery shopping almost as much as I hate cooking. Make sure you do not forget anything special that she eats or drinks. Ask if you are unsure!

6. Get her car detailed for her. Better yet, detail it yourself - inside and out. When you are done, leave her a love note on her seat telling her how wonderful and beautiful she is and you are the luckiest man in the world!

7. Get on your hands and knees and sit in front of her. Tell her how much you love and adore HER, not the Dominant woman you love so much. During times of burnout, it is easy for a woman to think that you love only her fierce side and not her sensitive side. A woman who feels that you only love her because she can be kinky in the bedroom is a sure fire way of losing that wonderful woman. More on that later though!!

8. I think I have said this one before but it is worth repeating: Watch a girly movie with her and by God do not BITCH about it. How many idiot man movies has she watched because she loves you? HUH?????

(note: if you will notice I have waited until the last two to bring up anything about Mistress and slave or overtly D/s actions. This is because when most women are in D/s burnout the last thing they want to do is to feel like you are pushing them to be more Dominant. Please do not do that - it is sure fire recipe for disaster!!! With that said - onto 9 and 10!)

9. Make a second coupon book with nice, fun kinky things you know your Wife likes. Not what you like, per se, but what she likes! If she adores Tease and Denial, then make a coupon giving her full control of your nether region for a week. If she likes bondage, give her a coupon and maybe a few cool pictures of stuff she might like to try. If she likes spanking, a coupon for 30 good whacks will do just fine (a new crop or paddle might be nice too!) Make it fun and make sure you have a place for those kidlets to go. A coupon book isn't as much fun when the kids are home. It will get a little dusty!!

10. Write down all the things you use to do for your Wife before the daily grind got in the way. Give it to her and ask her to mark which things she liked you to do most. Then start doing those things immediately. Nothing works better to jump start a stagnant Dominant than a submissive doing his duty. In order for the D/s dynamic to work, she will automatically become more Dominant again. Trust me!!!

Well, that is my advice to all you men out there. In my opinion, nothing beats a good, healthy D/s relationship. But like all things, sometimes life gets in the way and it is very difficult to maintain it. If you are sitting there waiting for your already stressed out Wife to force you back into submission you have another thing coming. You will be waiting a long time. The best thing you can do is to help her get back to what you both find so wonderful. It has to begin somewhere and by being the sub and man in the relationship, there is no place better to start than with you. Good luck!!!!!

My next post will be on a very important topic that might cause a little controversy. Over the past few years, I have been contacted by several woman (and men) that have a problem reconciling this type of relationship with their belief in "God". While I will not divulge what my particular religion is, I am a very spiritual person who believes in God and all He represents. I feel that my relationship, now that it is honest, open, loving, caring, monogamous, cherished and absolutely wonderful, is EXACTLY what my God wants for me. In my relationship I honor, adore, respect and love my husband. As he does with me. We bring each other up, in moral and emotions, which is more than I can say for most people married now a days. I will not make it about anything other than realizing that a D/s relationship, at it's core, has NOTHING TO DO WITH KINKY ACTS. It has to do with all the other things I just explained that my husband and I now have. Traits I wish everyone every married couple had.

This is my wish for every married couple out there. Whether or not they embrace Femdom is irrelevant. I wish you love, adoration and respect. What every man and woman deserve - to be happy!!!!

Kisses,

MrsClaudia

What would you like to see in a Femdom Community?

I have been working on launching a Free Lifestyle Femdom Community that will focus on Femdom D/s relationships. The website will include Online Classes and Workshops, articles, Instructional and Educational Video, Chat Rooms, Message Board, Instant Messenger, User Contributions (gallery, video and user article submissions) and Current / Upcoming Events in the lifestyle. So my question is:

What other things would you like to see or options you would like to have in a Femdom Community?

I know there are many other wonderful BDSM communities out there, very good ones that I am a member of. So why am I starting another one? Well I want mine to be a little different. First and foremost, I want it to be solely Female Dominant / male submissive (although Male Dom / femsubs may join and contribute). I want it to be a portal where new people learning about this lifestyle can come and learn how to avoid pitfalls and be able to interact with other lifestyle people and learn. I know that BDSM support groups are sometimes riddled with politics and controversy and I will do all in my power to make sure that DOES NOT happen with this website. I want to keep the fantasy BS out of it and make it as true to life as it can be.

I would appreciate any comments or suggestions on what different areas you would like to see in a community like this. Whether it is particular classes, interactive systems, mentoring programs, local advertisements for groups around the country, etc. I want to make this the best lifestyle website I can, and your input would be greatly appreciated. I am not doing this for myself only, I am doing it for all the people out there that want a community they can learn and grow from.

Comments and suggestions can be submitted in two ways: You can either add comments directly to this post or you can email comments directly at my yahoo email: MrsClaudia2006@yahoo.com

I do hope to hear from you. Please keep all comments and suggestions directed at the community site. Any other comments or feedback not dealing directly with the lifestyle community will be redirected to the proper place in this blog!!

Thanks everyone,
MrsClaudia and her slave hubby!!

Is BDSM about sex or not???

What a good question! This particular question is probably one of the most debated questions among lifestyle people.

Some people say BDSM has nothing to do with sex, while others say it is all about sex. So what do I think? I personally believe it is a combination of both. Obviously BDSM is a form of foreplay and it can be very sexual. The root to all BDSM activity is what makes you hot! I think where some people get the notion that BDSM is not about sex because of the emotional feelings that are behind BDSM.

Just the other night I was teaching two of my budding Femdoms about Tease and Denial. Now obviously Tease and Denial is all about SEX! You are denying someone the right or ability to have an orgasm until you give them permission. Even though I was doing a Tease and Denial scene, the emotional connection between myself and Madam Tiffany was incredible. It went beyond sex, and it surely went beyond just lust. I can't even describe what it was like but I can tell you everyone in the room felt it and responded. Each one of the other people became either more submissive or more Dominant. It was truly amazing.

Once you leave the bedroom, do all BDSM activities cease? In some cases, YES! BDSM for some people are all about the sex and that is totally fine! They go about their daily lives as normal as can be. Then on Friday or Saturday night they ship off Timmy and Tammy and whip out the ridding crops, rope and canes!! Then when Timmy and Tammy come home, all returns to normal.

Then there are the people where BDSM doesn't stop when they walk out of the bedroom. For them, the power exchange that happened in the bedroom, extends to other areas of their lives. The two practice the sexual part of BDSM and they also practice the non-sexual elements of BDSM. For those people, most would call them 24/7 D/s couples. Even in times when there is no overtly sexual things happening between two people who practice BDSM daily, there is still that element of intimacy and sexuality. If a male sub is doing the laundry he might not have a hard on right there, but he is still doing it for the power exchange and kink that will happen once he is in the bedroom. I do not know of anyone who practices non-sexual BDSM, period!!!

See that is where the "BDSM isn't about sex" view is outside my realm of understanding. I am reading and learning about how BDSM is not about sex but I am not really sold on that theory yet!! I would love to hear from others who think that BDSM is not about sex so I can learn that viewpoint. For me, it is all about sex and it is all about emotions. They both go hand in hand and I just can not see how they don't.

Can't wait to hear from you all!!!!

Is a 24/7 D/s relationship realistic???

Over the past few days the topic of Total Power Exchange has come up in conversation with a few different people. At Midori, she posed the question "Is there such a thing as a 24/7 TPE relationship?" The audience gave mixed answers and, if I had to guess, I would say the answer was 50/50. She answered with a resounding "NO"!! She went on to give this example: If the Dominant was to order the submissive to hold their breath indefinitely, would the submissive be able to obey? Well the answer is obvious - NO! The human body would take over and, after the sub passed out, the body would resume breathing. I thought that answer didn't really make a good case for a TPE not being possible.

When I think of 24/7 D/s or Total Power Exchange, I think of what the submissive is CAPABLE of giving control of over to the Dominant. I think of things like: sex, financial decisions, parenting decisions, free time decisions, etc. I do not think of things the submissive does not have any control over, which would include bodily functions. Yes, the submissive can give over urinating and defecating, where permission has to be given before evacuation can be made, but what if the Dominant does not ever give permission to use the bathroom? Eventually the submissive will make a huge mess. So, does he or she really have control over that function? NO!!

I am just starting to read more about TPE (total power exchange) so I am by no means an expert on the subject. I have also been asked lately if I am ever just "normal" with my husband. Where we are equals? I have been thinking about this and I have come to the following observations. First, in any relationship there is a dominant and submissive balance. Even with friends, usually one is more dominant in the relationship than the other. In my marriage, I have more control over CERTAIN aspects of the marriage. This has always been though. In the past, before D/s, if I wanted to watch a particular program on TV, in the end we would end up watching what I wanted. There might have been arguing and pouting, but I would have gotten what I wanted. The only difference now is I am being freely given the right to watch whatever I want, with none of the arguing or pouting. Presto, D/s is born in our marriage. What is different - the mindset of the parties involved. My husband made a decision to hand over his power, which includes his arguing, pouting and generally unlikable behaviour. He sees it now as a gift he is giving me, instead of something I am taking from him. On the surface the only thing that has changed is him.

Some people say that the submissive is really the one in control. Actually it takes both to make it work. The sub has to be willing to give control and the Domme has to be willing to take control. I like to look at it a little different - the submissive is freely giving up his rights to control and giving it to the Dominant. This is what makes it a gift. In a relationship where the D/s is strictly in the bedroom, the submissive is still giving up his right to control the situation. Once the Dominant accepts that gift, a power exchange has occurred. Pretty simple. Well the same thing happens in a lifestyle or 24/7 D/s relationship. Instead of the submissive saying "OK, I will give you the power to do whatever you want for the next hour", the 24/7 lifestyle submissive is saying "OK, I will give you the power to do whatever you want for our entire relationship".

In any marriage there is a Dominant partner and a submissive partner. Society tells us that the man is the Dominant and the wife is the submissive. When people think of a regular marriage, where there is no D/s, they see that as completely normal. They do not think that the woman is sitting at the man's feet waiting to be given permission to speak. So why do people think that in a FemDom marriage, it is not just as normal as a vanilla marriage? Like Ms. Rika says "We are no different!" My husband does not sit at my feet every night, not allowed to speak or change the channel on the TV. The only difference between us and "regular" folks is I am being given the power to have my husband sit at my feet when I want. I have been given the power to make the final decision on certain things, like anything to do with this lifestyle. I decide when and how we have sex. I decide when and if my husband gets to orgasm. I decide who will cook in our household. My husband still decides when the bills get paid, when he goes to work, what he eats and when he speaks.

When we go to dinner or the movies, we still hold hands. He walks beside me and acts like a gentleman, opening doors and pulling out my chair. We are a lifestyle FemDom couple but in most cases you can't tell us apart from all the other "vanilla" couples. I decide how, when and where we have our power exchange and to what extent. If we are going out to dinner and I specifically tell my husband that he is to ask permission for everything while we are out, that is just a game I play with him, to exaggerate the level of control. I have the power in the relationship to do that. If we go to dinner and I do not make him ask permission for everything does that mean we are acting "normal"? No, it just means the level of control I am enforcing is that he doesn't have to ask permission for anything, that in itself is control.

So the bottom line is the mindset. There is never any question who is in control of our marriage and everything it encompasses. My final word is law, period. Most days our interactions are just as normal as any other couple out there. There is just a firm understanding that I make the rules and whatever those rules are, my husband is to obey them. When he is unsure of a rule, it is his place to get clarification and it is my place to communicate with him what I am expecting. On most days we seem as normal as anyone else. Actually we are quite different. We are madly in love and anyone that is within 500 yards can tell that. More than 50% of marriages end in divorce, maybe those "vanilla" couples should be more like us!! One can only hope!

Mrs. Claudia's subby speaks! - Part one

Mrs. Claudia has asked me to post some comments from my perspective regarding our marriage, how we started in Femdom, some of our problems and some of the solutions. First let me start by saying I am a very lucky person. Mrs. Claudia and I have been together for over twelve years, most of which I have either been trying to repress my submissive BDSM side, or push it onto her. Not until now have I really come to grips with what it really means for me to be submissive. But before I get into what I think submissiveness is, let me tell you a little about me.

I am a 30 something year old business owner who has been into bondage and Femdom for over twenty years. I can't tell you how many times I tied my self up, to only find myself saying: " God if you get me out of this one I promise, blah blah blah. " We never learn!

Now I get to kiss up just a little. I can honestly say the first time I saw Mrs. Claudia I fell in love with her. She is a very sexy and inteligent woman and I am blessed that she is my Wife, best friend, the mother of my children and my Domme. Ok, so now that you know a little bit about me, let me get back on topic.

Mrs. Claudia and I have had a pretty normal marriage through most of our twelve years but I would say around our third year is when things got a little more serious with the BDSM. We have always experimented but I was never satisfied, there always had to be more. This is how I learned to top from the bottom. Always suggesting or pushing, dropping little hints to the point where my wife would just do things to shut me up. Then I think it got to a point where she did these things because if she didn't I wouldn't love her. That's how it starts! The games, the resentments, then the hurt. For all the submissive men this is where we lose. We push to get what we want, then when we get it, its been twisted and perverted into something that seems good on the surface, but there is a volcano just waiting to erupt underneith. Sooner or later the resentment becomes to much for them to bear and they either leave you or just completly withdraw from you.

Mrs. Claudia did the later. She withdrew completely and for the next four or five years we practically lived seperate lives. This is how it starts, the secret life. First you start by going to adult book stores to get magazines and books. Then you start your fantasy world masterbating a little more, than a little more. Let me just say the more we do, the more we withdraw from our wives and that's when fantasy land becomes more important than reality. Over the last couple of years the internet explosion has done wonders to help and hurt the lifestyle. I think that the more us guys go off into our little worlds, especially with the availability of the internet, the harder it becomes to tell the diference between the internet fantasy land of BDSM and the 24/7 lifestyle so many of us think we want.

Internet land is so easy you can plug in when you want, then just turn it off when you don't. NOT REAL! But it's just so easy and men want that quick fix. That place they can go when there stressed out or have had a tough day. I have to tell you on the surface it looks real good but there is no substance, there is no depth. I know, I lived there for years and always yearned for more. Like an addict trying to get a fix but never really finding what I needed. There was always something missing. Then it happened, my world came crashing down real fast. Mrs. Claudia discovered my fantasy land, my escape. Now let me just say that as I look back I didn't make it very hard for her to find. Whether I did it consiously or unconsously, I think I wanted her to find out. I was tired of living two lives. I can only imagine what my marriage might have been if I was actually there. I was there physically, but mentally I was in fantasy land.

Now, what was Mrs. Claudia supposed to do? The answer wasn't so cut and dry. We have both broken each others trust. I know she loves me, and our children, and we have both been through a lot. I think that the first thing Mrs. Claudia had to do was figure out if she would be staying; could she live this lifestyle? Would she be doing it for me or for her? ( If she was to do it for me it would never work!) I hope all the submissive men out there understand your relationship will never last if she is doing this for you, or your kids, or you marriage, or what ever!! I was lucky enough that Mrs. Claudia decided to stay and give our relationship her all. I promised to do the same, but I didn't. I didn't give it my all - I hung onto a little of that fantasy world I built. Why? Honestly, I am not sure. Was I scared? Was I selfish, or just not ready to let go of something I had for so long. You see I had the woman of my dreams willing to dominate me on her terms. Not to play my games but willing to love me and be with me no matter what. I had my dream woman right in front of me. This took me back a little and really scared the shit out of me. The trick is to submit to her completely. Trust her and learn to give to her first, and think of yourself second. If you don't you are only living in fantasy land, topping from the bottom.

In part two I will talk alot more about my relationship now and what reality is like verses fantasy land. I will also talk about how being a submissive man has helpped me become a better friend, lover, husband, submissive and father. I know that I need a strong women in my life to help balance me and I am blessed to have found one.

Mrs. Claudia's subby.