Is BDSM being accepted by the mainstream or is it just a fad that will pass?

Over the past few years I have noticed that society is seeming to change it's perception of kinky sex. Is this observation true or is it just a fad? Is it possible that our culture is coming out of the closet or is it just our society being desensitized to sex! Are people needing more  or wanting more to see what else is out there. Whatever the answer is I think it is about time. I have been hearing some statistics regarding a favorite kink of mine - chastity. I was told that the interest in male and female chastity has increased something like 600% in the past 10 years. This of course gets me thinking why. What is it about chastity that has people opening up about this fetish? Is it the ultimate form of control over the sexual needs of another? I think that is partially true. I know that forced chastity is a huge fetish in the lifestyle. For a person to willfully agree to be locked in a chastity device is a huge act of submission. I know I seem to contradict myself when I say that "willfully giving" control over to another and agreeing to be locked in a chastity device is in direct contradiction to being "forced into Chastity". While being forced to do something is a huge turn on the dominant still has to be responsible and know the submissives limits. 

Let me say something right now before we go any further - EVERYONE HAS  LIMITS!! I receive emails daily from male and female subs saying they have no limits and I can do whatever I want. That is a crock of SHIT! Everyone has limits and if you are a submissive and a dominant accepts this without question my advice to you is run. Run as far away as you can. If a dominant does not speak with you about this no limits offer then you should not submit yourself to that person. This brings me to another thing that is driving me crazy. With the internet people are finding out about this lifestyle and kinky play. The biggest problem is people getting online and reading about different things they think might be fun to spice up their sex lives. That would be great if people would learn about this lifestyle and learn the risks involved. I am not saying everyone does this but it is a trend that I see happening more and more.

Let me give you an example. I was watching a show the other day and it was about accidents that happen while having sex. I was shocked to see the amount of people that have had to go to the ER when they have tried something kinky and things went wrong. The last show I watched was about a chastity belt. In a nutshell a woman put a chastity belt on her boyfriend (his idea of course) while she was on a week long business trip. Upon returning home, her boyfriend was ready to have the belt taken off. She told him that she had lost the key on accident. Now that right there is how I know that these two people were not seriously into the lifestyle. You should never, ever lock someone into a chastity belt and then leave for any amount of time and not have an extra key some where that the person in chastity can access in case of an emergency. 

First and foremost safety is #1. BDSM involves things that can be dangerous. People have died participating in activities in this lifestyle. Back to what happened to this couple. The man was so desperate to get the belt off so he took a hammer and had his girlfriend break the belt. Ouch! After they got the belt off they had to go to the ER due to the damage that happened to his penis. He ended up being fine but all this could have been avoided. If they had learned about safety when having someone in chastity they would have known to have a key somewhere the submissive could have accessed in case of an emergency! Now that I see the increase in people wanting to dabble in kinky play it is more important than ever to make sure people understand the risks. 

So back to my question. Is there an increase in people interested in this lifestyle or are people now finding out about kink through the internet which has allowed them to come out of the closet? Personally I think it is a little of both. Since I do think the internet and things like Fifty shades of grey are opening people to this lifestyle, it is very important to make sure they understand the risks and know how to play safely. For my part I am starting a blog about BDSM safety. I love input from others so I invite anyone to let me know if they would like to contribute to the blog. To check my new blog visit bdsmsafety.blogspot.com and let me know if you would like to post safety tips. That's all I have for now!

Kisses,

MrsClaudia

What happens when life get's in the way?

Day after day, hour after hour, life goes on as normal. It is sweet, better than anything you have ever imagined. Little things happen every once in a while, but they are minuet in the grand scheme of things. You have wonderful friends; friends who understand all about you. They know every little nuance and secret, and they welcome you and love you unconditionally. Your marriage has finally come to a place where you are happy, truly happy. The years of power struggles, lies and betrayal have ended. Personally, you are stronger than ever. You have come into your own and you are 100% confident in who you are and what you have to offer this world. Life is good!!!

I am sure you are sitting here thinking, "What the hell does this have to do with lifestyle Femdom?", it has a lot to do with it. For some reason there are so many misconceptions on what 24/7 lifestyle Femdom is all about. People seem to think it is void of all problems and that life flows perfectly. I am constantly asked if I am ever normal, or if I am "in control" all of the time. I am also asked if my husband has an opinion on anything in our lives, or if he just bows down to everything I say and never has a say so. I have said before, many times, that this is far from the truth. While I have the final say in everything and I at all times can pull rank, life is still life. There are financial problems, family problems, career problems and marital problems.

As an example, my husband and I totally disagree on the way our children should be disciplined. He feels very strongly one way and I feel very strongly another way. This is one area we have problems in. It is easy to say that as my slave, he should go with my way, but that is easier said than done. There are also career and financial problems that add heavy stress. When our lives are turning upside down, and everyone is stressed and worried, it really disrupts the Femdom rhythm. When problems come, one after the other, a lifestyle D/s relationship is hard to keep on track. So, this brings me to my topic of this post.

How do you get your D/s lifestyle back on track when it has been disrupted for a sustained period of time. I am talking about when your marriage barely resembles Femdom anymore and you feel like you have to start from scratch. Well, there is your first task: Start from scratch. Go back to the basics. Over the past 6 months our lives have slowly succumbed to serious life stresses. There was a while there where I didn't even get a chance to see my slave, much less have him serve me. His life became so overwhelmed that I had to put our D/s relationship somewhat on hold. Not because I wanted to, but because life circumstances forced us to. I am sure there are others out there that have had or are having this same problem.

Here are a few steps I am taking that can be used to jump start your D/s relationship!

THE TASKS BELOW ARE FOR THE DOMME. ANY CHANGE MUST FIRST START WITH THE DOMME!!

1. First, I am taking a few weeks off work to refocus on my passion. I know most people do not have that luxury and I am grateful I can do that. If I was working full time, I would schedule time each day to do what I am suggesting. I am going to start reading and interacting with my online lifestyle community again, via message boards and blogs. I am going to look around for any new lifestyle communities or websites that have started in the past few months and read everything I can get my hands on that deals with lifestyle femdom.

2. I am going to read MsRika's book and re-read Elise Sutton and any other good lifestyle Femdom books in my library.

3. I am going to register for any upcoming seminars or workshops in my local area. If there were none in my local area, I would look online for any instructional DVDs to start practicing to or any online Femdom classes starting. I am not sure if there are any out there, but if I come across any I will post them on the blog. I am also going to be starting online classes and workshops through my lifestyle community when I officially launch it here soon. I will keep you posted.

4. I am going to make a commitment to attend at least one munch a month and one play party a month.

5. I am going to make a commitment to interact with other Femdoms on a regular basis either in person or online in weekly chat meetings.

6. I am going to have my slave start doing one new thing per week that he was previously doing, that has been slacked off on lately.

7. I am going to start journaling daily what things I am concerned with or any issues I need help with. Just as an example, I am having a hard time being consistent right now. I need to work on that.

8. I am going to actively seek out fictional stories or femdom videos to help jump start my imagination again.

9. I am going to call my mentor at least once per week and go over things I am needing help with.

10. I am going to make a list of everything I want my slave to start doing again, and make a schedule of when he will start doing those tasks again.

Bottom line is life gets in the way. Shit happens and the D/s dynamic gets weaker or even burns out for a while. Everything takes work and a D/s relationship is no exception. Just remember to start small and work your way up. Find some communities that you can share with or a class or online workshop to jump start your mind working again.

My next post will be on what tasks you need to give your sub or slave to get them back on track when life has gotten in the way. Regardless of what has happened, you can get back to where you were or get on track in the first place. This advice is good for brand new Femdom's or for Femdom's wanting to revitalize their floundering relationship. Hopefully I will see you around the boards and around some online classes.

Is BDSM about sex or not???

What a good question! This particular question is probably one of the most debated questions among lifestyle people.

Some people say BDSM has nothing to do with sex, while others say it is all about sex. So what do I think? I personally believe it is a combination of both. Obviously BDSM is a form of foreplay and it can be very sexual. The root to all BDSM activity is what makes you hot! I think where some people get the notion that BDSM is not about sex because of the emotional feelings that are behind BDSM.

Just the other night I was teaching two of my budding Femdoms about Tease and Denial. Now obviously Tease and Denial is all about SEX! You are denying someone the right or ability to have an orgasm until you give them permission. Even though I was doing a Tease and Denial scene, the emotional connection between myself and Madam Tiffany was incredible. It went beyond sex, and it surely went beyond just lust. I can't even describe what it was like but I can tell you everyone in the room felt it and responded. Each one of the other people became either more submissive or more Dominant. It was truly amazing.

Once you leave the bedroom, do all BDSM activities cease? In some cases, YES! BDSM for some people are all about the sex and that is totally fine! They go about their daily lives as normal as can be. Then on Friday or Saturday night they ship off Timmy and Tammy and whip out the ridding crops, rope and canes!! Then when Timmy and Tammy come home, all returns to normal.

Then there are the people where BDSM doesn't stop when they walk out of the bedroom. For them, the power exchange that happened in the bedroom, extends to other areas of their lives. The two practice the sexual part of BDSM and they also practice the non-sexual elements of BDSM. For those people, most would call them 24/7 D/s couples. Even in times when there is no overtly sexual things happening between two people who practice BDSM daily, there is still that element of intimacy and sexuality. If a male sub is doing the laundry he might not have a hard on right there, but he is still doing it for the power exchange and kink that will happen once he is in the bedroom. I do not know of anyone who practices non-sexual BDSM, period!!!

See that is where the "BDSM isn't about sex" view is outside my realm of understanding. I am reading and learning about how BDSM is not about sex but I am not really sold on that theory yet!! I would love to hear from others who think that BDSM is not about sex so I can learn that viewpoint. For me, it is all about sex and it is all about emotions. They both go hand in hand and I just can not see how they don't.

Can't wait to hear from you all!!!!

Our weekend - Eggs, Midori and the Crown Suite! Part 2!

I am a little bummed out right now. I could have sworn I took pictures of the suite we had this weekend but I guess I didn't. I just unloaded my digital camera and all I have a dirty pictures of my darling hubby. I would share but I don't think he would be very appreciative. So I am going to describe the suite as best as I can. I found a picture of the downstairs portion of the suite, but I will tell you right now this picture does not do this suite justice.

I have already decided that the collaring we are doing in September will be done at this hotel. The Alexis Park Resort is a non-gaming resort located across the street from the Hard Rock Hotel in Las Vegas. Since there is no casino, it is not as popular with out of town guests like the other hotels. If you are not bothered with having to walk across the street to gamble, then this hotel is a total winner. Now the Crown Suite, I think, was planned by a kinky architect. It offers two stories with a wrought iron banister going to the second floor. On the stairs is a jacuzzi with metal railing around it. There were so many places to tie up my hubby my head was spinning. Then the bar stools and dinning table chairs also had wrought iron to tie to. Bliss!!!

Here is a sketch of the room, which also doesn't do it justice. Upstairs there is a loft bedroom with a fireplace. The only thing I didn't like about the king bed was no frame. This was of little concern, seeing all the other options I had for restraining my intended victim.

Finally, the coffee table had a stone top with more wrought iron for tying. I wish I had a week to spend in this place. The wheels are already set in motion to have our collaring at the larger two story suite, the Regal.

So onto a little of what our weekend entailed. First thing Friday night, I started with the table. Since I am such a nice Lady, I had a towel tied to the table for better comfort. I began with a nice leather ball stretcher, thanking Ms160 for the eye candy Friday. I went out and got myself a nice little black ball stretcher and some weights. After everything was stretched and bulging, I had him lay down on the table for some good old fashioned teasing. After about 2 hours of completely fucking with him, he was allowed to cum. It was late and time for bed. We had a big weekend in front of us.

Saturday morning I woke up ready to play. This time a "Gates of Hell" was put on and a nice little leash was attached. Most of the morning, he crawled around on all fours, fetching me various instruments to tease and torture him with. What was priceless was watching him crawl up the stairs, leash in mouth, for the fourth or fifth time. Next time I think I will supply knee pads (wink!!).

We were off for a long day at the Rack with our friends and when we got back to the hotel Ms. Kali and her submissive joined us for some flogging practice. After some drinks and good ole' fashioned laughter, we retired to bed for some kinky style love making. There was tons of moaning and begging. When I woke up I was ready for my day of pampering. My husband had bought special "pampering" stuff for our weekend. I got champagne, bubble bath, sparkly lotion and spray gel. Sunday morning he bathed me in the jacuzzi located in the middle of the stairs, with the railing. While I laid there, basking in my nice smelling bubbles, he was my eye candy, handcuffed to the rail. Again we ran out of time and had to go to the Rack.

Next time, I am locking us away in that fabulous room so it can be used to it's fullest advantage. I won't forget to take pictures so you can see how nice this room is. It was one of the best weekends I have had with my husband and submissive in a while. Much deserved by us both!!

How to approach your wife about D/s.

First things first! I want to make it very clear that the way I am suggesting a male submissive introduce his wife to FemDom is strictly my opinion. I have very limited experience and all I can share is the contrast between when I was first introduced to this lifestyle by my husband and this last time. While this last time I initiated the D/s relationship, I was still originally introduced to it by my husband. I would have had no idea what Female Domination was if he hadn't come to me 10 years ago and expressed his desires. With that said - onto my post.

Originally my husband came to me and shared that he liked to be tied up. He approached me subtly in the context of doing something new and fresh in the bedroom. I had seen Basic Instinct and thought it was really hot when Sharon Stone had tied up Michael Douglas with silk scarves. I was game and decided to indulge my husband. After I tied him to the bed with some neck ties I thought it was fun. He seemed to enjoy it very much and I had never seen him so excited. We continued to play for a while, advancing to rope. I would say my husband was a fantasy driven submissive, possibly even a fetishist. Although he doesn't have a particular fetish (other than possibly a foot fetish) he was totally obsessed with bondage and humiliation.

Since I really didn't know any better the entire experience was about him and pleasing him. He focused on his wants and needs and never considered the adoration and worship of me. He assumed I enjoyed this as much as he did and was shocked when I expressed my desire to stop playing. Our regular sex life had been replaced with BDSM and our entire lives were revolving around it. It was very easy for my husband to get caught up in the sexual aspect of D/s, very easy. While we weren't playing, he would be on the internet looking at bondage and BDSM sites. He would regularly bug me to play and "tie him up". When regular life was taking place he was lazy and self centered. Instead of telling me how wonderful I was, he would tell me what he wanted me to do. If I wasn't being mean enough, he would ask me to be meaner. If I wasn't talking enough, he would ask me to talk more to him. I was left feeling that being a Domme was more of a chore than anything. Instead of him letting the process evolve naturally, he tried to force it.

He wanted the fantasy in his mind to become a reality, but what he failed to realize is reality doesn't hold a candle to fantasy. In our fantasies there are no kids, no work, no financial responsibilities. Most women, whether FemDom or not, do not want a inanimate object to order around 24/7 and use for only sex. I am sure there are a few but most want a life partner that they can share their triumphs and tribulations with. It is purely fantasy, where a FemDom has a sub sit in the corner, waiting for her next command, always bitchy and controlling. For me there are days where the last thing I want to do is give a command. Usually on those days I want to be cuddled and told over and over how wonderful and beautiful I am. How I am my husbands whole world and he couldn't imagine living without me. What really puts the icing on the cake is if he tells me I am the perfect woman, and he wouldn't change a thing about me. I am human; I cry, laugh, get angry, get sick, and get PMS. I am the whole package, not a male created FemDom written about for other subs to read and jack off to.

So, how would I recommend a male submissive introduce their wives to D/s: take it slow, very slow. The last thing you want to do is go to your wife and tell her all your deep dark submissive secrets. Trust me when I tell you she will completely freak out if you go to her and tell her you wish to be tied up like a mummy and forced to be fucked in the ass with a huge strap on. Down the road you might be able to tell her that but definitely not right away.

Begin with serving her. If you don't already help with the household chores (whether she works or is a stay at home mom), start helping. Don't ask what you can do to help her, just do it. If she regularly cooks, cook one night and let her relax and read a book. When dinner is over, clear the table and do the dishes. Maybe get a nice bath ready for her, with the works: Candles, wine, oils, soft music. If you can, sit beside the tub and rub her back and wash her. Talk about her day and how things are going in her life. Spontaneously kiss her hand while you are driving somewhere and tell her she is the most beautiful woman in the world and that you are lucky she chose you to share her life with. During your next romp in the sack, focus on her pleasure only. Go so far as to not orgasm at all. When she goes to reciprocate by pleasuring you, tell her this night was about her and only her. Sit on the floor beside her and rub her feet, especially if she works and wears high heals all day. If you have children and she normally gets them ready for bed, you get them ready, while allowing her to relax and watch TV. Make her feel like a Queen!

Eventually she will ask you what is up. Now this is the crucial time - DO NOT SPRING ON HER YOUR KINKY DESIRES! This will just convey to her that the only reason you are doing all these nice things is to get something from her. This will be the fastest way to turn her off. A woman wants nothing more than to be adored and loved. If she thinks that you are only doing these nice things to get what you want, she will feel resentment and look at you as totally selfish and self-centered. You want to ignite her Dominance with your subtle submission.

You will start to notice a change in her. She will start to feel love and adoration for you in return. She will then come to you and initiate a conversation, possibly about wanting to do something to please you. This is OK. Men and women want to please each other and there is nothing wrong with your potential Domme wife wanting to do that. This is the time to gently share with her a little bit of your desires. Start with something non-threatening to her. Bondage is a great starter. Our society has embraced using silk scarves or neck ties to tie your lover's hands to the bedpost and ravish them. She will probably not be threatened about this in the least.

Another thing you could try is surprising her with a date night. Get a sitter (if you have kids) and take her to a nice restaurant. Set up some champagne at home, with candles in your bedroom. Make one of the candles her favorite scented candle (look around the house and you will see her favorite). Have clean sheets on the bed with maybe some rose petals thrown on the bed and floor. Make sure they are red roses. Get a romantic sex game and have it set up on the bed. There are some great romantic sex games out there. If you don't have a vibrator, get one. The rabbit or something similar is perfect. When you start playing the game there will be "Share a fantasy card" that you will get. Stack the deck if you have too. Then when you get that fantasy card, share with her a simple fantasy of being tied up and teased. That is just an example of a simple, non-threatening BDSM fantasy that shouldn't freak her out.

Well, those are some simple pointers to start with. Just remember that in today's society, women have so much on their plates. They work full time or stay at home raising kids all day. They have so much responsibility the last thing they want is to be responsible for you. If your wife gets the impression that this is just another thing she has to do, she will hate it. A male submissive is there to enhance his Dommes life, not hinder it. She has to see the positives in it for her, not what she has to do to keep you happy.

True male submission is adoring, loving and worshiping your Wife. You will find fulfilment and satisfaction in serving her. The bondage and spanking and humiliation is fun, but the bottom line is the adoration you have for your Domme. Just ask my husband, he would rather kiss and lick my body from head to toe, making me orgasm over and over, than being tied up and teased. Before, he only wanted the later, but now he lives to worship and serve me. He is just lucky that I like to tie him up and tease the shit out of him. But that is a whole other post.

Our torrid past and blissful present.

Where should I begin. I guess from the beginning would be best.

My husband and I have been together for 12 years. I am 3 years older than he, so when we began dating he was just a baby. Since the beginning we had a very spicy sex life. By the time we had been together 4 years, we began playing BDSM games. Our games never left the bedroom, and before long I found myself not very satisfied with the arrangement. The Internet was very limited back then and all I knew about Female Domination was the sexual aspect of it. Soon, I found myself exhausted both inside and outside the bedroom. Inside the bedroom, I felt my husband was trying to get me to be like the whip wielding bitches you see on the porn sites and I felt constantly judged and unappreciated. My husband never seemed satisfied with the Dominant I was, therefore I felt like I was not measuring up. It didn't take very long for me to resent the entire FemDom thing.

Outside the bedroom my husband was not interested in being a submissive. I worked full time, had 2 children and took care of all the day to day responsibilities of our family. I cooked, cleaned, paid the bills, did the laundry, etc. I would fight with my husband about needing help, but he would just ignore me or dish out excuses why he couldn't help. After about a year or two of this I told my husband that I was not interested in playing BDSM games anymore. We fought about it for years, me sticking to my guns and not playing with him.

Fast forward 5 years. After 5 years of a totally unhappy marriage, I found out that my husband had a secret life, involving the Internet. He had promised over and over that if he absolutely could not live without BDSM, that he would be a man and leave me. Well, that didn't happen. I found out that for years he had been trolling the Internet, looking for other women to play with, both Pro's and non-Pro's. In the end he was looking for a partner that he could be with.

The day I found out he had this secret life, I also found out that I had cervical cancer. I was in process of leaving him when those plans came to a screeching halt. I had to have surgery, and I would be down for a minimum of 6 weeks. Knowing that I was stuck with this man, I agreed that I would give him one more chance, but if I did some things were going to change. I took away his Internet privileges by putting blocker software on his computers. I began reading all I could on Female Domination, and what I found was wonderful. I found sites that explain the benefits of Female Domination and not just the whip wielding Dommes. I found that the way I had felt was common to other women, and I found the solution to that dilemma. I am including links to the wonderful sites where I learned what real life FemDom is all about.

So now we have this new relationship, free of the power struggle we had been in for years. I was ready to walk out the door and find a submissive man I could share my life with. Low and behold the one I already had was willing to be that man.

My blog has two purposes. The first and foremost purpose is to reach my fellow budding FemDom's and show them the benefits of this new life. Free from the pressure of being their spouses fantasy, but the reality of this lifestyle. My second purpose is to reach those men who want to be submissive to their wives. I hope to educate them in the right and wrong ways to approach and handle their wives. Hopefully, I can help others not go through the pain and unhappiness my husband and I went through. I always say "If I would have known then what I know now my life would be completely different".

I welcome all comments and emails, especially from women who are just starting out or that have years experience. Since I am a relative newbie, I am always looking for other women to share my daily struggles with. Transitioning into this new dynamic is wonderful, but at the same time awkward. Uncertainties and doubts flood your mind. That is why I am so grateful for the sites I have found online. They are foundation and support for living this life I so love. The links will follow in my next post.

Mrs. Claudia