Let me start by saying that my relationship with my submissive is not the norm. As you all know from reading my blog we have had alot of mistrust, disrespect and lack of communication for years. In order for the D/s relationship to work TRUST is the #1 component. Second to that is COMMUNICATION. What makes them both possible is a little word we call RESPECT.
Let me first start with trust.
Trust is something that has been broken between My husband and I for a very long time. Right now each day we are rebuilding the trust between us but it is a long, hard road to travel. It is a road I honestly wish we would have never had to go down. Once trust is broken between two people it takes years to get it back. If both partners are not totally willing to give the relationship 100% one will end up doing something to break the trust that is so fragile. Trust needs to be built between the Wife and husband, the Domme and the sub. As my husband, I need to be able to trust him that he is not going to go cheat on me or do things behind my back. As his Wife, he needs to know I will not cheat on him, leave him or do anything behind his back.
Now as my submissive the trust runs much deeper. I need to be able to trust that if I issue a rule, that it will be followed. If there is a question or concern, I need to create a way that my submissive can come to me and talk about it. He needs to know that I am not going to take my new found power and take advantage of him or play games. He needs to know with all his soul that his best interest is my first priority. If he has any reservations he will never really submit.
My duty as his Wife and Domme is to prove to him I am what I seem to be. Our relationship is a little different than most because of our history but the basic premise is the same. I have to be very careful that I do not treat my husband and submissive as a child. HE IS NOT MY CHILD AND I AM NOT HIS MOTHER. If I start to regulate him like I am his mother then he will fall into the trap of feeling like my child. Instead of openly communicating with me he will try to sneak around. His rebellion will surface. So how am I going about changing this cycle we have been in for years??
First, I am making sure he feels he can talk to me about anything. Let's say I place a rule on him that I want him home by 5:00 for dinner. If he takes that as a child receiving an order from a parent he might agree to be home and then come up with excuses everyday why he can't be here. What he should do if he is in the submissive role is come to me with respect and ask if the 5:00 rule can be altered. He should state the reason why he can't make it home. If I am a good Domme, and the reason is valid, I should probably adjust the time to something that is more accomodating.
But let's say I forbid masterbating unless permission is given. This scares my husband because he has been use to being able to masterbate whenever he chooses. He can either come to me and talk about it or do it behind my back. Anytime a submissive tells his Domme that he will do something and then doesn't he is not being submissive. The true submissive can not pick and choose which rules he will choose to follow. If he goes this route and his Domme finds out trust will be shatterred. There are somethings a Domme will order that the submissive will not like. It is part of the territory. The submissive can come to the Domme, again with respect, and discuss it. This takes me onto communication.
Communication is so crucial to any relationship but especially a D/s relationship. There obviously have to be guidelines, but the Domme MUST give the sub permission to speak with her whenever there is something the sub is having a problem with. It is pure fantasy that every order the Domme dishes out will be accepted fully by the submissive. Maybe after years and years of a D/s relationship, but not right away. Let me try and give an example:
Let's say (just hypothetical) I have forbidden my submissive (and husband for that matter) from viewing extreme FemDom porn on the internet. He has been looking at FemDom porn on the internet for years and years and he doesn't think he can go cold turkey overnight. He can do one of two things. He can either sneak off and continue to look at the porn or he can come to me, with respect, and voice his concern. Now, the Domme would probably keep her rule and forbid her sub from looking at the stuff. Let me tell you why, when a sub comes from internet land where extremes are the norm, they get a warped sense of what FemDom should be like. Real life FemDom (at least in my house) is no where near the extreme that you see on the internet. The sub needs to be rewired by the Domme, brought back down to reality. If he continues to look at extreme porn he will continue to have extreme thoughts.
But what the Domme would do if she was smart was control it. Join a few sites herself and then regulate what he would see. The Domme will begin to form his thoughts into what she wants for him. If she does that, he will not feel like he is cut off. Then you both win. This will also feed his fear of being cut off cold turkey. That is how the sub can voice a concern, have the Domme reject his concern, but yet still take care of it her way.
Communication and trust, once broken, are rebuilt slowly. Respect is what makes both of these two vital issues work. If there is no respect between two people then there will be no trust and no communication. Both my husband and I didn't respect eachother prior to transforming our marriage. I think the minute I decided to give the FemDom life a real try, and he believed it was real, his respect for me blossomed. Once full respect was rebuilt by us both, our relationship took off. I found my husband loving me more, communicating more and trusting me more. I also found the devotion he had for me deepened to a level I did not think was possible. Now we respect eachother 100%. I trust him 90% and our communication is better than ever. It is still not perfect, but it is getting there.
So there is my little opinion on Trust, Communication and Respect. Without them all no relationship, especially a D/s one, will work.