Wednesday, February 28, 2007

Topping from the bottom? Right or wrong?

I have posted this picture as the intro to my post on Topping from the Bottom. Ladies, this is what I want to do to my sub each time he tops from below. Shove something, anything in his mouth so he will SHUT UP!!! If it is my behind, then so be it. Although this particular picture would be a treat for my sub! OK, onto my post!

There have been a few postings on various message boards I am active in that pertain to this subject. While I am no expert in topping from the bottom, I do have some experience in this area. I view "topping from the bottom" when the bottom (or submissive) gives suggestions that are specifically not requested by his or her Dom/me. Wikipedia gives this comment / description:

"Topping from the bottom is usually considered poor practice amongst lifestyle BDSM devotees, although fairly common amongst the "BDSM curious" or newcomers who have had submissive sexual fantasies for some time but lacked real experience of a sexual dominant."

I do not think I could have said it better myself. In the beginning I was very inexperienced and I welcomed "suggestions" from my curious submissive. See, in the beginning I was doing this "BDSM" stuff for him, I didn't see any problems with letting him share his wishes with me. The problem occurred when he suggested being "more Dominant". What he was trying to get from me was true Dominance, not dominance he orchestrated. While at the time I didn't know he was "topping from the bottom", I did feel awkward. In earlier posts I shared that I felt unappreciated. I also felt like my husband wasn't honoring and adoring me, but a fantasy he had in his mind, and how could you blame him? This was a fantasy he had been living over and over in his mind for years and years. I understood that he wanted his fantasies made realities but there was no way I would be able to live up to his fantasies.

I think what bothered me the most was when he would try and express what he wanted during play time. If he wanted me to do something he said so. Looking back now I could have nipped this in the ass real quick, but I had that horrible curse most good girls have. I wanted to please my husband. I didn't understand D/s and I thought it was just a game. We were both very immature and young, and communication was not our gift.

OK, onto the help of this post. I would love to say that I am the Queen of all Dommes and I never let my sub top from the bottom, but I can't. Just the other night he suggested some play I did not have plans for and I indulged him. I wish I could say that I NEVER take that crap, but the bottom line is, I do. I just thank internet land where there is tons and tons of great websites I can go and get advice. I can tell you that I do not indulge topping from the bottom like I did way back when. Now when my husband gives me "suggestions" I chose whether to indulge or not. Before I succumbed to his suggestions, no matter what. I was there to please him and fulfill his fantasy. I never dreamed that I was there to do what I wanted, period!!!

Ms. Rika gave some great advice the other week to a new member. She said to not punish, not become more dominant, but to sit down and talk. She advised to clearly communicate with your submissive. I will quote her directly, as I think her advice is always very wise!!

Quoted from MS. Rika:

"This is a tricky point, however, the answer is NOT to jump in and do what he wants. He needs to understand, even in his cranky state, that he needs to focus on your needs, not his own. It is indeed topping from below if he gives you suggestions unless requested. I do allow my subs to request to make a suggestion...sometimes I allow it, if I'm in the mood. You do need to talk to him at this time, however. The trick is, how to let him vocalize his desires without them being orders for you to follow (or be guilted if you don't). You can sit down with him and request suggestions for you to take under advisement, but not to act on unless you think it's a good idea and it serves you well - and the time is right by your judgement. You might also ask him what he thinks he might be able to do FOR YOU. In other words, you can get him to vocalize without being pushy. I would not suggest becoming "more dominant" in these situations...that only feeds the bad behaviour. Straight conversation is the ticket here. Sit down and re-establish the one-sided compromise. Just be sensitive and open to his desires - in the context of understanding him, but not in the context of things you are willing to do. You could sit him down and openly empathize with him... "it's been 10 days, you must be feeling a little desperate. I'd bet you'd like to have me do things to you because you're kind of helpless to resist, yes? But that's not really what this is about, right? I mean, I ENJOY your frustration! want me to have fun at your expense, don't you?" That last statement has an excellent shot at snapping him back into line. If it does, throw him a bone and do something small for him and then have him go and do something for you. For my hubby, I'd have him kiss my butt and then fetch me some ice cream and rub my feet while I eat it and watch tv...maybe rubbing his nipples from time to time with my other foot or have him stand next to me while I fondle his scrotum mindlessly while watching TV and letting him feed me. Or, if you feel he's been really bad, just let him serve you and don't give him anything until he's come around. Your choice. Never feel guilty about not feeding his fantasy. It is a tremendous gift for you to allow him to serve you...and he should appreciate it for what it is. To demand something more is presumptuous, undisciplined, and a little insulting...he should understand that. Once he does, you can feed his fantasy when you feel like it...request ideas when you're in the mood to hear them. Knowledge is power and sometimes the guys can come up with something listen when you want to and take it under advisement. Put the ideas you like into practice at some later date...when you feel like treating him. In the mean time, rub a little harder...right there...good serve me so well!"

Again, I understand why so many subs vocalize their desires and suggest to their Dommes. This does not however make it acceptable. So here are some words of advice to new FemDoms and new subs: Give the process a chance to work. I know you subs out there have always dreamed of submitting to a Domme, but you want to truly submit, not push or manipulate. All you will find is frustration and feelings of unfulfillment. If you don't believe me try this: Go find a ProDomme and do some sessions with her. I will bet that after the novelty wears off you will feel completely unfulfilled. How is this different from topping from the bottom? It's not. With a Pro, you are paying her to fulfill a fantasy. The only problem is your fantasy is to be dominated by a woman. How can you be truly dominated by a woman if you are paying her and telling her what you want? Same holds true for suggesting or topping from the bottom!

What you really want is to be at the mercy of a Domme, but if you are "suggesting" and she follows suit, then how is that Domming? You don't really want her to do what you want, you want her to do what she wants. If she wants to spank you then she will. Chances are if she is not doing something you want, she doesn't want to.

Now simple words to my fellow budding Dommes, give your sub a chance to express his fantasies and desires. I had my husband give me his top 10 fantasies over a period of time. This gave me the opportunity to understand his submissive desires deeper. Then I reviewed some BDSM checklists he did. I reviewed them and chose the things we both liked and incorporated them into our playtime's. This also gave me a window into his mind. Now I see the common theme to his submissive nature and I can use that to tantalize him. I also use things he really likes as treats, so he still feels fulfilled.

But still, bottom line trying to "Top from the Bottom" defeats the purpose. When suggestions are given to the Domme, without being asked for, then who is really in control. Especially if the inexperienced Domme fulfills the suggestions. There is a respectful way to communicate a desire by a sub. Sit down with your Domme and ask if you can discuss whatever is on your mind. Usually, if this is done with love and respect, the Domme will take the communication to heart. What a wonderful word, COMMUNICATION. If done at the right time it is invaluable.

Monday, February 26, 2007

Chastity - Reality or Fantasy???

Well here we go again. Friday we finally received the Exobelt that we ordered a few weeks ago. I did everything a smart consumer would do. I researched the device, searched for consumer reviews and, with my husbands opinion, decided to buy the Exobelt X1. I was so excited when my husband walked in with the box. Finally he would be in chastity, yeah!!! I opened the box and unwrapped the device. When I unwrapped the Exobelt my first thought was it would definitely be noticeable under clothes. Most days my hubby wears jeans and this contraption would stick out big time. The second thought was how heavy and bulky it was. We sat down and he tried it on. After getting the solid ring on, my husband put on the inside tube that is used to hold the penis in place. Tight fit but after some maneuvering he got it on. Then it was time to put the two pieces together. Now, my husband is no porn star, he is an average sized guy with a lovely package. I am not sure who's balls these are made for but it was very difficult to stuff his jewels into this device. He got very frustrated but amused me by trying to get the thing on. Where the bottom comes together his skin kept poking through and getting pinched. When he did finally get the skin on the bottom to not stick out, his penis would be bulging out. After a while he got the whole thing in place after he removed the inside tube. The inside tube was not on, there was just no way the thing would close with the interior tube in place. There was no way everything he's got was going to fit in this tiny contraption. After we got all the parts and locks secured he sat back and in one swoop pulled the entire thing off. By this point I was resigned to the fact that another $200 had just gone down the drain. My mind is still trying to figure out a way for this thing to work but it is all pipe dreams. What is the point of putting my husband in chastity if he can get out? There's not.

Now onto our experience with the CB3000. Regarding functionality and workmanship, the CB3000 is superb. Once the device is attached it is invisible under clothes. It is sleek and smooth. I can understand why it is the most popular belt out there. The only problem is it doesn't work. I am sure there are some men that can not pull out, but I think most can, that is why there are add on's like the KSD and the Points of intrigue. Along with the CB3000 I have purchased solid rings to replace the hinged ones, the KSD add on and the points of intrigue. The points of intrigue are devilish little things and I do not see how they can be worn regularly without causing damage. The KSD add on is a great security device to make pulling out impossible, the only problem is it causes the skin to bunch and pinch in between the device and ring. There is also a warning about what to do if your penis gets stuck. Now I am all for chastity, and believe me I want to keep him locked up, but I don't want him hurt. Screw that!!! Instead of having a frustrated man in a good way, I will end up having a cranky, complaining, whining man. Now if I wanted the latter I would force him to wear the KSD but that is not what I want.
So, is a piercing the way to go. Well I am not sure. I came across a great post from Ms. Alice who seems to be having the same problem with chastity as I am. I want to learn from other people's trials and not repeat them. Here is her article. I really wish I would have read this article prior to purchasing both the CB3000 and the Exobelt. I would be over $500 richer right now. There are several things I could spend $500 bucks on. Back to the piercing, she stated that her husbands frenum migrated, that her husband no longer has a frenum. Well I am not sure what she means, but you can bet your ass I will be asking her. I absolutely love my husbands frenum and I don't want it migrating anywhere!!!!!
Final thoughts. In thinking back on the research I did regarding the CB3000 and the Exobelt I realized most (if not all) the reviews I read were posted by men. While I do not doubt that these devices work for certain men, I believe for most they don't. The posts that I read by men were missing one important thing. The perspective of their keyholders. What I am thinking is that the men who posted about how secure their CB's are probably have themselves in chastity. If you hold the key, you can unlock yourself at any time, so security really doesn't matter! In reading the articles and benefits of chastity, I still want to have my husband locked up, but I do not want to find myself in Ms. Alice's shoes, $2,000 later and still no chastity. So, are any of the non-fiction stories out there in internet land real, who knows. What I am now looking for are chastity experiences from the keyholders perspective. One article that seems promising is one by Mistress Lori. She makes chastity tubes that require a piercing. I think Ms. Alice has already tried this device too. I will be talking with her more. If anyone has solid slutions to the dilemma of male chastity I would love to hear from you. Preferably Ladies, although I am sure there are some guys out there that have a reality based perspective. I wish I had better news. Sorry guys!!

Friday, February 16, 2007

Wonder Woman - Where it all began.

I grew up the 70's, when Wonder Woman and Charlies Angels was all the rage. I remember being a young child, watching Wonder woman with her lasso, fantasizing about dawning that awesome outfit and lassoing someone, anyone. At the time I fantasied mostly about women, but as I got older I also fantasied about men. I didn't realize there were men out there who would be ok with being tied up and taken control of (can you believe how naive I was). As I got older, I felt that these fantasies were wrong, that wanting to tie up women and men was sick. I thought something was seriously wrong with me. Growing up for me was a very confusing. On one hand I was told that women were independent, and they could do anything. Then on the other hand I was taught to be nice and not cause conflict. The only problem was I had a very dominant personality. I expected to be treated with respect but I wasn't being treated with respect. I had no idea how to get what I wanted, namely respect. I would not want to cause waves and I always had a little voice in my head telling me I was being selfish"expecting" anything. Needless to say, I was confused and unhappy. What was wrong with me. It seemed whenever I had these conflicts, I would automatically go back to my fantasy. My fantasy where I was in control and I could do whatever I wanted. I figured if my fantasies stayed fantasies everything would be fine. Hence, I continued my life as being a "good girl".

I grew up in Las Vegas and my neighbor was the lead showgirl in one of the most popular topless shows in Las Vegas. Jacqueline was a french dancer, standing tall and statuesque. She had beautiful blond hair and she lived with her son (my best friend). I am so grateful for the powerful, independent role models I had as a child. As I grew into an adult I would often think of Jacqueline and the kind of woman she was. I remembered her being strong, intelligent and loving. She is what I think of when I hear Loving Female Authority. She was stern and ruled the roost with a iron fist, but at the same time she would love you after she disciplined you (she would yell at me and then hug me and tell me how much she loved me!) I miss her very much.

(Here is a picture of Jacqueline. She was by far the most elegant, beautiful, intelligent woman I have ever known. Tragically she passed away March 10, 1981 after a long battle with breast cancer. )

While I didn't grow up in a feminist household, my mother wore the pants. She ran our family business, controlled the household (servants and all) and took care of us girls. She showed me that I didn't NEED a man to take care of me. That women were more than capable of taking care of themselves (thank you very much!) This gave me a skewed outlook of men. If we didn't need men because we took care of ourselves completely, then what good were men? Well, they were good for sex. With my limited scope of what purpose men served I attracted some doosies. The men I was hopelessly attracted to were boys that needed to be broken. They were macho men, shut down emotionally and downright cold hearted. I didn't understand that these boys were really broken from society and that they needed and craved Loving Female Authority. They were submissive men on the inside who desperately needed a strong woman to guide them. Foolish me didn't understand this.
Now that I am older and wiser, I understand this perfectly. While I have battled with myself over accepting my true self, so has my husband. He has those pesky little voices telling him "real men" don't do this or that. Real men dominate, they don't get dominated. I never thought I would say this but I am so glad I am in my 30's. I have finally matured and left my silly girlish ways behind. I accept myself just the way I am. I know now that I can be dominant without being a total bitch. See FemDom is not about being a bitch. It is about teaching and guiding my submissive into being a better man.
In today's society, men do not know how to treat women. They think that since women are independent, and can take care of themselves, that they don't need to love and adore them. That is the furthest thing from the truth. The first thing I expect out of my husband is adoration and respect. I deserve that and he needs to give me that. He needs to be taught what pleases me, because no one ever taught him that. Well, HELLO, I have assumed that job completely.
Since we have embarked on this journey, my husband is happier than ever. My expectations are clearly set and anything less is unacceptable. He makes coffee for me in the morning and shows his devotion each day by kissing my feet to wake me up. When he gets home from work he cooks dinner (most days, I absolutely hate to cook). He rubs my feet and tickles and massages my back. These little things reaffirm our marriage dynamic everyday. When he does get that little voice in his head, I reassure him that submissive men are better men, because their top priority is to make their wives (or gf's) happy. Every man wants that, they just don't know how to do it. Hopefully, more and more men will discover Loving Female Authority. I think our society would be much better if more men devoted themselves to their wives. In the end, women want love, affection, and most of all, adoration. That is the bottom line!

Thursday, February 15, 2007

A Valentine's day gift - unlocked heart!!

Over the past 30 something years I have had many valentine's day gifts. They have ranged from diamond jewelry to flowers to candy. Thinking back I can honestly say I have never had a meaningful Valentine's day present - until now. Usually on Valentine's day I receive a gift, a supposed token of love from my husband. Over the past 12 years I will receive these gifts, but still feel like something is missing. As a woman I am very emotional, I like to feel. Those giddy feelings inside that give me that rush of power. That rush of power where I know I am adored, appreciated and loved. Well this year I finally got that feeling.

Over the weekend we arranged babysitters from Friday evening until Sunday afternoon. In our world this is like we have struck the lottery. Friday evening we went to a local munch. We talked and played pool and had a great time. We meet a new couple that we hung out with until 11:00 pm. Just a regular night out, nothing D/s about it (other than we were at a munch!) Then we got home. My husband and I were lying next to each other kissing and he started to cry. From the depths of his heart he thanked me for staying with him and allowing him to be my submissive. He acknowledged that I could have my pick of submissive men but I chose him. After everything he had done, I still chose him. I could hear and FEEL the honesty and gratitude coming from him. My husband is not very emotional, so this was truly a gift. But that is not all.

Due to my husband not being trustworthy, he has lost his Internet privileges until I decide to give them back. On Sunday, I allowed him to go on my computer (I NEVER ALLOW HIM ACCESS TO MY COMPUTER) to look at info on a frenium piercing. After a while I noticed he was searching Google in ways he use too, specifically looking for teasing and orgasm control sites. After about 20 minutes I told him he had 5 minutes left and then he was to get off the computer. I then told him that he has obviously not changed enough to be allowed to be on the computer, since he went right back to the selfish, sub-centric behaviour he had before. Now before, my husband would have copped an attitude with me telling me I wasn't his mother, but this time was different. He immediately turned off the computer and went to the bathroom. He returned a minute later and APOLOGIZED. He said I was right and that his mind automatically went back to that sub-centric, self seeking behaviour he had before. He was visibly upset that he had disappointed me and said so. He expressed his regret that he disappointed me and that he did not want to do anything to hurt or anger me. CAN YOU BELIEVE IT??? I almost passed out right then and there. He then removed my socks and massaged my feet to refocus his attention on me.

I can honestly tell you seeing the genuine change in my husband was better than any gift he could have bought me. See, I have had the diamonds and furs, but his unwavering devotion, adoration and worship is what I want. He can't buy me what I want, because I want his mind, soul and body. These are the ultimate gifts that he can give me. And he has. I now feel like the luckiest Lady in the world. I have finally unlocked his heart, and in return he has unlocked mine.

Thursday, February 8, 2007

Our torrid past and blissful present.

Where should I begin. I guess from the beginning would be best.

My husband and I have been together for 12 years. I am 3 years older than he, so when we began dating he was just a baby. Since the beginning we had a very spicy sex life. By the time we had been together 4 years, we began playing BDSM games. Our games never left the bedroom, and before long I found myself not very satisfied with the arrangement. The Internet was very limited back then and all I knew about Female Domination was the sexual aspect of it. Soon, I found myself exhausted both inside and outside the bedroom. Inside the bedroom, I felt my husband was trying to get me to be like the whip wielding bitches you see on the porn sites and I felt constantly judged and unappreciated. My husband never seemed satisfied with the Dominant I was, therefore I felt like I was not measuring up. It didn't take very long for me to resent the entire FemDom thing.

Outside the bedroom my husband was not interested in being a submissive. I worked full time, had 2 children and took care of all the day to day responsibilities of our family. I cooked, cleaned, paid the bills, did the laundry, etc. I would fight with my husband about needing help, but he would just ignore me or dish out excuses why he couldn't help. After about a year or two of this I told my husband that I was not interested in playing BDSM games anymore. We fought about it for years, me sticking to my guns and not playing with him.

Fast forward 5 years. After 5 years of a totally unhappy marriage, I found out that my husband had a secret life, involving the Internet. He had promised over and over that if he absolutely could not live without BDSM, that he would be a man and leave me. Well, that didn't happen. I found out that for years he had been trolling the Internet, looking for other women to play with, both Pro's and non-Pro's. In the end he was looking for a partner that he could be with.

The day I found out he had this secret life, I also found out that I had cervical cancer. I was in process of leaving him when those plans came to a screeching halt. I had to have surgery, and I would be down for a minimum of 6 weeks. Knowing that I was stuck with this man, I agreed that I would give him one more chance, but if I did some things were going to change. I took away his Internet privileges by putting blocker software on his computers. I began reading all I could on Female Domination, and what I found was wonderful. I found sites that explain the benefits of Female Domination and not just the whip wielding Dommes. I found that the way I had felt was common to other women, and I found the solution to that dilemma. I am including links to the wonderful sites where I learned what real life FemDom is all about.

So now we have this new relationship, free of the power struggle we had been in for years. I was ready to walk out the door and find a submissive man I could share my life with. Low and behold the one I already had was willing to be that man.

My blog has two purposes. The first and foremost purpose is to reach my fellow budding FemDom's and show them the benefits of this new life. Free from the pressure of being their spouses fantasy, but the reality of this lifestyle. My second purpose is to reach those men who want to be submissive to their wives. I hope to educate them in the right and wrong ways to approach and handle their wives. Hopefully, I can help others not go through the pain and unhappiness my husband and I went through. I always say "If I would have known then what I know now my life would be completely different".

I welcome all comments and emails, especially from women who are just starting out or that have years experience. Since I am a relative newbie, I am always looking for other women to share my daily struggles with. Transitioning into this new dynamic is wonderful, but at the same time awkward. Uncertainties and doubts flood your mind. That is why I am so grateful for the sites I have found online. They are foundation and support for living this life I so love. The links will follow in my next post.

Mrs. Claudia

Wednesday, February 7, 2007

Well here we go!!!

I just decided to start my own blog documenting my journey into a FemDom marriage. I will share my search on the internet for other real life FemDom's and how my marriage has changed in the past few months since I have chosen this lifestyle. I will share my struggles and successes. What I hope to gain by this blog is feedback from others who share this lifestyle. Since a female dominated marriage is not the norm, there are struggles I go through in my head. Being fed the line that "nice girls don't cause conflict", I will journal how I am handling this syndrome and unleashing myself into the woman I have always been. Powerful, intellegant, sexy, beautiful and commanding. One day I will have my husband also post to this blog to share his struggles with coming to terms with being a real life submissive, and not the fantasy that is portrayed on the internet.

Most of all I hope to help other new Femdom's. Help them to distinquish fastasy from reality. Help them to not just fulfill a fantasy for their husbands, but to embrace the wonderful benefits that FemDom has for them too. I struggled for many years in my marriage with just doing the FemDom thing to please my husband. It was not a good thing for myself, my husband or our marriage.

Finally, I will share where we started, how things went so wrong, and then finally how I put the marriage back together again. To all that read this blog, I hope to help and guide you to the true pleasure of a FemDom marriage.