Things a male sub can do to jump start a D/s relationship!

In my previous post "What happens when life gets in the way?" I posted some great suggestions for the Female Dominant to do in a relationship when it has lost track or fizzled. Now, I want to share my thoughts of what the male submissive in a relationship can do to help their Femdom counterpart get back on track. Since a D/s relationship is based on a agreed upon Power Exchange, it is very important for the male sub to realize that his actions, or lack thereof, have a direct effect on how his Femdom acts or reacts. I know in the romance and fictional stories, it is always the Female that seems to come in, regardless of the males feelings or desires, and forces him to surrender his will and to submit. While that is great for fantasy time and fun, it is far from the reality that encompasses a 24/7 D/s relationship.

With the daily pressures a woman faces in this day and age, it can be very easy to succumb to life's worries and headaches. With all the external pressures a woman faces, is it any wonder why most women do not find this style of relationship appealing? Why, who in their right minds would want to add pressure and responsibility? No-one my dear!! That is why it is your first responsibility to make sure you are doing everything in your power to make your significant others life easier. Whether that is clearing the table after dinner, or doing the laundry one night. If your Wife (or girlfriend or significant other or whatever) is busy all day at the office (or at home with three kids) and then comes home and has to cook dinner, clean the dishes, do laundry, get the kids baths ready, do homework, etc and then you don't understand why she has no interest in D/s, well I wonder why? You like the idea of being a slave to lessen the responsibilities and worries of daily life, yet you do not think your better half has those same wants and needs? You foolish man you!!!!!!!

OK, let's get down to brass tactics! If you have already taken on more responsibility at home and have an established D/s relationship - GREAT! You can still learn how to do it better so continue reading. If you have taken on extra responsibilities around the house and have slacked off then this is for you! I know everyone runs into burnout, God knows I am right there with you! I am sharing a few things that my husband either does or has done in the past that has made my life easier or has made me feel better. That's right, your responsibility is to make your Wife FEEL BETTER too!!

OK, here goes.......................

1. Plan a date night. Get a sitter, make reservations and tell your Wife to be ready for a night out on the town. Tell her to go buy a new dress and some nice lingerie to wear. I do not care how big or small a woman is, nice lingerie always makes you feel better (and sexy too!) Call the restaurant ahead of time and have something special for your Wife. Maybe flowers, or her favorite wine. Then either have tickets for a comedy show or tickets to a movie. (or tickets to whatever - just get her out of the house for a nice evening!)

2. Draw her a bath with candles and wine and LEAVE HER ALONE FOR A WHILE. Do not sit on your knees waiting to be dismissed unless this is something that is a regular routine for the two of you. This will only piss her off, especially if she is in D/s burnout!

3. Make a book of coupons for things your Wife really needs. Not "I will make you orgasm 50 times before I am allowed to orgasm". This is also not the time or place for this. Include some coupons in there giving her the afternoon off to go shopping while you watch the kids. Then make sure you have enough money in the bank account to pay for that shopping trip!

4. Get the kids ready for bed one night, baths and all. Then come into your bedroom and tell your Wife to give you 5 minutes, you have a surprise for her. Set up massage lotion or oil and light some candles in the room. Spray some nice perfume on the sheets or covers so it will smell good when she lies down. Then tell her to come into the room, and wait for her on your knees. Tell her it is her night to be pampered and adored and you expect nothing in return. (and don't expect anything in return!) Give her a wonderful massage and then (if you are not in chastity), make sweet love to her without you cumming. If she gives you permission, great, if not - no cumming for you my dear!

5. Go grocery shopping for her. I hate grocery shopping almost as much as I hate cooking. Make sure you do not forget anything special that she eats or drinks. Ask if you are unsure!

6. Get her car detailed for her. Better yet, detail it yourself - inside and out. When you are done, leave her a love note on her seat telling her how wonderful and beautiful she is and you are the luckiest man in the world!

7. Get on your hands and knees and sit in front of her. Tell her how much you love and adore HER, not the Dominant woman you love so much. During times of burnout, it is easy for a woman to think that you love only her fierce side and not her sensitive side. A woman who feels that you only love her because she can be kinky in the bedroom is a sure fire way of losing that wonderful woman. More on that later though!!

8. I think I have said this one before but it is worth repeating: Watch a girly movie with her and by God do not BITCH about it. How many idiot man movies has she watched because she loves you? HUH?????

(note: if you will notice I have waited until the last two to bring up anything about Mistress and slave or overtly D/s actions. This is because when most women are in D/s burnout the last thing they want to do is to feel like you are pushing them to be more Dominant. Please do not do that - it is sure fire recipe for disaster!!! With that said - onto 9 and 10!)

9. Make a second coupon book with nice, fun kinky things you know your Wife likes. Not what you like, per se, but what she likes! If she adores Tease and Denial, then make a coupon giving her full control of your nether region for a week. If she likes bondage, give her a coupon and maybe a few cool pictures of stuff she might like to try. If she likes spanking, a coupon for 30 good whacks will do just fine (a new crop or paddle might be nice too!) Make it fun and make sure you have a place for those kidlets to go. A coupon book isn't as much fun when the kids are home. It will get a little dusty!!

10. Write down all the things you use to do for your Wife before the daily grind got in the way. Give it to her and ask her to mark which things she liked you to do most. Then start doing those things immediately. Nothing works better to jump start a stagnant Dominant than a submissive doing his duty. In order for the D/s dynamic to work, she will automatically become more Dominant again. Trust me!!!

Well, that is my advice to all you men out there. In my opinion, nothing beats a good, healthy D/s relationship. But like all things, sometimes life gets in the way and it is very difficult to maintain it. If you are sitting there waiting for your already stressed out Wife to force you back into submission you have another thing coming. You will be waiting a long time. The best thing you can do is to help her get back to what you both find so wonderful. It has to begin somewhere and by being the sub and man in the relationship, there is no place better to start than with you. Good luck!!!!!

My next post will be on a very important topic that might cause a little controversy. Over the past few years, I have been contacted by several woman (and men) that have a problem reconciling this type of relationship with their belief in "God". While I will not divulge what my particular religion is, I am a very spiritual person who believes in God and all He represents. I feel that my relationship, now that it is honest, open, loving, caring, monogamous, cherished and absolutely wonderful, is EXACTLY what my God wants for me. In my relationship I honor, adore, respect and love my husband. As he does with me. We bring each other up, in moral and emotions, which is more than I can say for most people married now a days. I will not make it about anything other than realizing that a D/s relationship, at it's core, has NOTHING TO DO WITH KINKY ACTS. It has to do with all the other things I just explained that my husband and I now have. Traits I wish everyone every married couple had.

This is my wish for every married couple out there. Whether or not they embrace Femdom is irrelevant. I wish you love, adoration and respect. What every man and woman deserve - to be happy!!!!

Kisses,

MrsClaudia

What happens when life get's in the way?

Day after day, hour after hour, life goes on as normal. It is sweet, better than anything you have ever imagined. Little things happen every once in a while, but they are minuet in the grand scheme of things. You have wonderful friends; friends who understand all about you. They know every little nuance and secret, and they welcome you and love you unconditionally. Your marriage has finally come to a place where you are happy, truly happy. The years of power struggles, lies and betrayal have ended. Personally, you are stronger than ever. You have come into your own and you are 100% confident in who you are and what you have to offer this world. Life is good!!!

I am sure you are sitting here thinking, "What the hell does this have to do with lifestyle Femdom?", it has a lot to do with it. For some reason there are so many misconceptions on what 24/7 lifestyle Femdom is all about. People seem to think it is void of all problems and that life flows perfectly. I am constantly asked if I am ever normal, or if I am "in control" all of the time. I am also asked if my husband has an opinion on anything in our lives, or if he just bows down to everything I say and never has a say so. I have said before, many times, that this is far from the truth. While I have the final say in everything and I at all times can pull rank, life is still life. There are financial problems, family problems, career problems and marital problems.

As an example, my husband and I totally disagree on the way our children should be disciplined. He feels very strongly one way and I feel very strongly another way. This is one area we have problems in. It is easy to say that as my slave, he should go with my way, but that is easier said than done. There are also career and financial problems that add heavy stress. When our lives are turning upside down, and everyone is stressed and worried, it really disrupts the Femdom rhythm. When problems come, one after the other, a lifestyle D/s relationship is hard to keep on track. So, this brings me to my topic of this post.

How do you get your D/s lifestyle back on track when it has been disrupted for a sustained period of time. I am talking about when your marriage barely resembles Femdom anymore and you feel like you have to start from scratch. Well, there is your first task: Start from scratch. Go back to the basics. Over the past 6 months our lives have slowly succumbed to serious life stresses. There was a while there where I didn't even get a chance to see my slave, much less have him serve me. His life became so overwhelmed that I had to put our D/s relationship somewhat on hold. Not because I wanted to, but because life circumstances forced us to. I am sure there are others out there that have had or are having this same problem.

Here are a few steps I am taking that can be used to jump start your D/s relationship!

THE TASKS BELOW ARE FOR THE DOMME. ANY CHANGE MUST FIRST START WITH THE DOMME!!

1. First, I am taking a few weeks off work to refocus on my passion. I know most people do not have that luxury and I am grateful I can do that. If I was working full time, I would schedule time each day to do what I am suggesting. I am going to start reading and interacting with my online lifestyle community again, via message boards and blogs. I am going to look around for any new lifestyle communities or websites that have started in the past few months and read everything I can get my hands on that deals with lifestyle femdom.

2. I am going to read MsRika's book and re-read Elise Sutton and any other good lifestyle Femdom books in my library.

3. I am going to register for any upcoming seminars or workshops in my local area. If there were none in my local area, I would look online for any instructional DVDs to start practicing to or any online Femdom classes starting. I am not sure if there are any out there, but if I come across any I will post them on the blog. I am also going to be starting online classes and workshops through my lifestyle community when I officially launch it here soon. I will keep you posted.

4. I am going to make a commitment to attend at least one munch a month and one play party a month.

5. I am going to make a commitment to interact with other Femdoms on a regular basis either in person or online in weekly chat meetings.

6. I am going to have my slave start doing one new thing per week that he was previously doing, that has been slacked off on lately.

7. I am going to start journaling daily what things I am concerned with or any issues I need help with. Just as an example, I am having a hard time being consistent right now. I need to work on that.

8. I am going to actively seek out fictional stories or femdom videos to help jump start my imagination again.

9. I am going to call my mentor at least once per week and go over things I am needing help with.

10. I am going to make a list of everything I want my slave to start doing again, and make a schedule of when he will start doing those tasks again.

Bottom line is life gets in the way. Shit happens and the D/s dynamic gets weaker or even burns out for a while. Everything takes work and a D/s relationship is no exception. Just remember to start small and work your way up. Find some communities that you can share with or a class or online workshop to jump start your mind working again.

My next post will be on what tasks you need to give your sub or slave to get them back on track when life has gotten in the way. Regardless of what has happened, you can get back to where you were or get on track in the first place. This advice is good for brand new Femdom's or for Femdom's wanting to revitalize their floundering relationship. Hopefully I will see you around the boards and around some online classes.

Trust + Communication = RESPECT!!

Let me start by saying that my relationship with my submissive is not the norm. As you all know from reading my blog we have had alot of mistrust, disrespect and lack of communication for years. In order for the D/s relationship to work TRUST is the #1 component. Second to that is COMMUNICATION. What makes them both possible is a little word we call RESPECT.

Let me first start with trust.

Trust is something that has been broken between My husband and I for a very long time. Right now each day we are rebuilding the trust between us but it is a long, hard road to travel. It is a road I honestly wish we would have never had to go down. Once trust is broken between two people it takes years to get it back. If both partners are not totally willing to give the relationship 100% one will end up doing something to break the trust that is so fragile. Trust needs to be built between the Wife and husband, the Domme and the sub. As my husband, I need to be able to trust him that he is not going to go cheat on me or do things behind my back. As his Wife, he needs to know I will not cheat on him, leave him or do anything behind his back.

Now as my submissive the trust runs much deeper. I need to be able to trust that if I issue a rule, that it will be followed. If there is a question or concern, I need to create a way that my submissive can come to me and talk about it. He needs to know that I am not going to take my new found power and take advantage of him or play games. He needs to know with all his soul that his best interest is my first priority. If he has any reservations he will never really submit.

My duty as his Wife and Domme is to prove to him I am what I seem to be. Our relationship is a little different than most because of our history but the basic premise is the same. I have to be very careful that I do not treat my husband and submissive as a child. HE IS NOT MY CHILD AND I AM NOT HIS MOTHER. If I start to regulate him like I am his mother then he will fall into the trap of feeling like my child. Instead of openly communicating with me he will try to sneak around. His rebellion will surface. So how am I going about changing this cycle we have been in for years??

First, I am making sure he feels he can talk to me about anything. Let's say I place a rule on him that I want him home by 5:00 for dinner. If he takes that as a child receiving an order from a parent he might agree to be home and then come up with excuses everyday why he can't be here. What he should do if he is in the submissive role is come to me with respect and ask if the 5:00 rule can be altered. He should state the reason why he can't make it home. If I am a good Domme, and the reason is valid, I should probably adjust the time to something that is more accomodating.

But let's say I forbid masterbating unless permission is given. This scares my husband because he has been use to being able to masterbate whenever he chooses. He can either come to me and talk about it or do it behind my back. Anytime a submissive tells his Domme that he will do something and then doesn't he is not being submissive. The true submissive can not pick and choose which rules he will choose to follow. If he goes this route and his Domme finds out trust will be shatterred. There are somethings a Domme will order that the submissive will not like. It is part of the territory. The submissive can come to the Domme, again with respect, and discuss it. This takes me onto communication.

Communication is so crucial to any relationship but especially a D/s relationship. There obviously have to be guidelines, but the Domme MUST give the sub permission to speak with her whenever there is something the sub is having a problem with. It is pure fantasy that every order the Domme dishes out will be accepted fully by the submissive. Maybe after years and years of a D/s relationship, but not right away. Let me try and give an example:

Let's say (just hypothetical) I have forbidden my submissive (and husband for that matter) from viewing extreme FemDom porn on the internet. He has been looking at FemDom porn on the internet for years and years and he doesn't think he can go cold turkey overnight. He can do one of two things. He can either sneak off and continue to look at the porn or he can come to me, with respect, and voice his concern. Now, the Domme would probably keep her rule and forbid her sub from looking at the stuff. Let me tell you why, when a sub comes from internet land where extremes are the norm, they get a warped sense of what FemDom should be like. Real life FemDom (at least in my house) is no where near the extreme that you see on the internet. The sub needs to be rewired by the Domme, brought back down to reality. If he continues to look at extreme porn he will continue to have extreme thoughts.

But what the Domme would do if she was smart was control it. Join a few sites herself and then regulate what he would see. The Domme will begin to form his thoughts into what she wants for him. If she does that, he will not feel like he is cut off. Then you both win. This will also feed his fear of being cut off cold turkey. That is how the sub can voice a concern, have the Domme reject his concern, but yet still take care of it her way.

Communication and trust, once broken, are rebuilt slowly. Respect is what makes both of these two vital issues work. If there is no respect between two people then there will be no trust and no communication. Both my husband and I didn't respect eachother prior to transforming our marriage. I think the minute I decided to give the FemDom life a real try, and he believed it was real, his respect for me blossomed. Once full respect was rebuilt by us both, our relationship took off. I found my husband loving me more, communicating more and trusting me more. I also found the devotion he had for me deepened to a level I did not think was possible. Now we respect eachother 100%. I trust him 90% and our communication is better than ever. It is still not perfect, but it is getting there.

So there is my little opinion on Trust, Communication and Respect. Without them all no relationship, especially a D/s one, will work.

How to approach your wife about D/s.

First things first! I want to make it very clear that the way I am suggesting a male submissive introduce his wife to FemDom is strictly my opinion. I have very limited experience and all I can share is the contrast between when I was first introduced to this lifestyle by my husband and this last time. While this last time I initiated the D/s relationship, I was still originally introduced to it by my husband. I would have had no idea what Female Domination was if he hadn't come to me 10 years ago and expressed his desires. With that said - onto my post.

Originally my husband came to me and shared that he liked to be tied up. He approached me subtly in the context of doing something new and fresh in the bedroom. I had seen Basic Instinct and thought it was really hot when Sharon Stone had tied up Michael Douglas with silk scarves. I was game and decided to indulge my husband. After I tied him to the bed with some neck ties I thought it was fun. He seemed to enjoy it very much and I had never seen him so excited. We continued to play for a while, advancing to rope. I would say my husband was a fantasy driven submissive, possibly even a fetishist. Although he doesn't have a particular fetish (other than possibly a foot fetish) he was totally obsessed with bondage and humiliation.

Since I really didn't know any better the entire experience was about him and pleasing him. He focused on his wants and needs and never considered the adoration and worship of me. He assumed I enjoyed this as much as he did and was shocked when I expressed my desire to stop playing. Our regular sex life had been replaced with BDSM and our entire lives were revolving around it. It was very easy for my husband to get caught up in the sexual aspect of D/s, very easy. While we weren't playing, he would be on the internet looking at bondage and BDSM sites. He would regularly bug me to play and "tie him up". When regular life was taking place he was lazy and self centered. Instead of telling me how wonderful I was, he would tell me what he wanted me to do. If I wasn't being mean enough, he would ask me to be meaner. If I wasn't talking enough, he would ask me to talk more to him. I was left feeling that being a Domme was more of a chore than anything. Instead of him letting the process evolve naturally, he tried to force it.

He wanted the fantasy in his mind to become a reality, but what he failed to realize is reality doesn't hold a candle to fantasy. In our fantasies there are no kids, no work, no financial responsibilities. Most women, whether FemDom or not, do not want a inanimate object to order around 24/7 and use for only sex. I am sure there are a few but most want a life partner that they can share their triumphs and tribulations with. It is purely fantasy, where a FemDom has a sub sit in the corner, waiting for her next command, always bitchy and controlling. For me there are days where the last thing I want to do is give a command. Usually on those days I want to be cuddled and told over and over how wonderful and beautiful I am. How I am my husbands whole world and he couldn't imagine living without me. What really puts the icing on the cake is if he tells me I am the perfect woman, and he wouldn't change a thing about me. I am human; I cry, laugh, get angry, get sick, and get PMS. I am the whole package, not a male created FemDom written about for other subs to read and jack off to.

So, how would I recommend a male submissive introduce their wives to D/s: take it slow, very slow. The last thing you want to do is go to your wife and tell her all your deep dark submissive secrets. Trust me when I tell you she will completely freak out if you go to her and tell her you wish to be tied up like a mummy and forced to be fucked in the ass with a huge strap on. Down the road you might be able to tell her that but definitely not right away.

Begin with serving her. If you don't already help with the household chores (whether she works or is a stay at home mom), start helping. Don't ask what you can do to help her, just do it. If she regularly cooks, cook one night and let her relax and read a book. When dinner is over, clear the table and do the dishes. Maybe get a nice bath ready for her, with the works: Candles, wine, oils, soft music. If you can, sit beside the tub and rub her back and wash her. Talk about her day and how things are going in her life. Spontaneously kiss her hand while you are driving somewhere and tell her she is the most beautiful woman in the world and that you are lucky she chose you to share her life with. During your next romp in the sack, focus on her pleasure only. Go so far as to not orgasm at all. When she goes to reciprocate by pleasuring you, tell her this night was about her and only her. Sit on the floor beside her and rub her feet, especially if she works and wears high heals all day. If you have children and she normally gets them ready for bed, you get them ready, while allowing her to relax and watch TV. Make her feel like a Queen!

Eventually she will ask you what is up. Now this is the crucial time - DO NOT SPRING ON HER YOUR KINKY DESIRES! This will just convey to her that the only reason you are doing all these nice things is to get something from her. This will be the fastest way to turn her off. A woman wants nothing more than to be adored and loved. If she thinks that you are only doing these nice things to get what you want, she will feel resentment and look at you as totally selfish and self-centered. You want to ignite her Dominance with your subtle submission.

You will start to notice a change in her. She will start to feel love and adoration for you in return. She will then come to you and initiate a conversation, possibly about wanting to do something to please you. This is OK. Men and women want to please each other and there is nothing wrong with your potential Domme wife wanting to do that. This is the time to gently share with her a little bit of your desires. Start with something non-threatening to her. Bondage is a great starter. Our society has embraced using silk scarves or neck ties to tie your lover's hands to the bedpost and ravish them. She will probably not be threatened about this in the least.

Another thing you could try is surprising her with a date night. Get a sitter (if you have kids) and take her to a nice restaurant. Set up some champagne at home, with candles in your bedroom. Make one of the candles her favorite scented candle (look around the house and you will see her favorite). Have clean sheets on the bed with maybe some rose petals thrown on the bed and floor. Make sure they are red roses. Get a romantic sex game and have it set up on the bed. There are some great romantic sex games out there. If you don't have a vibrator, get one. The rabbit or something similar is perfect. When you start playing the game there will be "Share a fantasy card" that you will get. Stack the deck if you have too. Then when you get that fantasy card, share with her a simple fantasy of being tied up and teased. That is just an example of a simple, non-threatening BDSM fantasy that shouldn't freak her out.

Well, those are some simple pointers to start with. Just remember that in today's society, women have so much on their plates. They work full time or stay at home raising kids all day. They have so much responsibility the last thing they want is to be responsible for you. If your wife gets the impression that this is just another thing she has to do, she will hate it. A male submissive is there to enhance his Dommes life, not hinder it. She has to see the positives in it for her, not what she has to do to keep you happy.

True male submission is adoring, loving and worshiping your Wife. You will find fulfilment and satisfaction in serving her. The bondage and spanking and humiliation is fun, but the bottom line is the adoration you have for your Domme. Just ask my husband, he would rather kiss and lick my body from head to toe, making me orgasm over and over, than being tied up and teased. Before, he only wanted the later, but now he lives to worship and serve me. He is just lucky that I like to tie him up and tease the shit out of him. But that is a whole other post.