Tuesday, March 20, 2007

How to approach your wife about D/s.

First things first! I want to make it very clear that the way I am suggesting a male submissive introduce his wife to FemDom is strictly my opinion. I have very limited experience and all I can share is the contrast between when I was first introduced to this lifestyle by my husband and this last time. While this last time I initiated the D/s relationship, I was still originally introduced to it by my husband. I would have had no idea what Female Domination was if he hadn't come to me 10 years ago and expressed his desires. With that said - onto my post.

Originally my husband came to me and shared that he liked to be tied up. He approached me subtly in the context of doing something new and fresh in the bedroom. I had seen Basic Instinct and thought it was really hot when Sharon Stone had tied up Michael Douglas with silk scarves. I was game and decided to indulge my husband. After I tied him to the bed with some neck ties I thought it was fun. He seemed to enjoy it very much and I had never seen him so excited. We continued to play for a while, advancing to rope. I would say my husband was a fantasy driven submissive, possibly even a fetishist. Although he doesn't have a particular fetish (other than possibly a foot fetish) he was totally obsessed with bondage and humiliation.

Since I really didn't know any better the entire experience was about him and pleasing him. He focused on his wants and needs and never considered the adoration and worship of me. He assumed I enjoyed this as much as he did and was shocked when I expressed my desire to stop playing. Our regular sex life had been replaced with BDSM and our entire lives were revolving around it. It was very easy for my husband to get caught up in the sexual aspect of D/s, very easy. While we weren't playing, he would be on the internet looking at bondage and BDSM sites. He would regularly bug me to play and "tie him up". When regular life was taking place he was lazy and self centered. Instead of telling me how wonderful I was, he would tell me what he wanted me to do. If I wasn't being mean enough, he would ask me to be meaner. If I wasn't talking enough, he would ask me to talk more to him. I was left feeling that being a Domme was more of a chore than anything. Instead of him letting the process evolve naturally, he tried to force it.

He wanted the fantasy in his mind to become a reality, but what he failed to realize is reality doesn't hold a candle to fantasy. In our fantasies there are no kids, no work, no financial responsibilities. Most women, whether FemDom or not, do not want a inanimate object to order around 24/7 and use for only sex. I am sure there are a few but most want a life partner that they can share their triumphs and tribulations with. It is purely fantasy, where a FemDom has a sub sit in the corner, waiting for her next command, always bitchy and controlling. For me there are days where the last thing I want to do is give a command. Usually on those days I want to be cuddled and told over and over how wonderful and beautiful I am. How I am my husbands whole world and he couldn't imagine living without me. What really puts the icing on the cake is if he tells me I am the perfect woman, and he wouldn't change a thing about me. I am human; I cry, laugh, get angry, get sick, and get PMS. I am the whole package, not a male created FemDom written about for other subs to read and jack off to.

So, how would I recommend a male submissive introduce their wives to D/s: take it slow, very slow. The last thing you want to do is go to your wife and tell her all your deep dark submissive secrets. Trust me when I tell you she will completely freak out if you go to her and tell her you wish to be tied up like a mummy and forced to be fucked in the ass with a huge strap on. Down the road you might be able to tell her that but definitely not right away.

Begin with serving her. If you don't already help with the household chores (whether she works or is a stay at home mom), start helping. Don't ask what you can do to help her, just do it. If she regularly cooks, cook one night and let her relax and read a book. When dinner is over, clear the table and do the dishes. Maybe get a nice bath ready for her, with the works: Candles, wine, oils, soft music. If you can, sit beside the tub and rub her back and wash her. Talk about her day and how things are going in her life. Spontaneously kiss her hand while you are driving somewhere and tell her she is the most beautiful woman in the world and that you are lucky she chose you to share her life with. During your next romp in the sack, focus on her pleasure only. Go so far as to not orgasm at all. When she goes to reciprocate by pleasuring you, tell her this night was about her and only her. Sit on the floor beside her and rub her feet, especially if she works and wears high heals all day. If you have children and she normally gets them ready for bed, you get them ready, while allowing her to relax and watch TV. Make her feel like a Queen!

Eventually she will ask you what is up. Now this is the crucial time - DO NOT SPRING ON HER YOUR KINKY DESIRES! This will just convey to her that the only reason you are doing all these nice things is to get something from her. This will be the fastest way to turn her off. A woman wants nothing more than to be adored and loved. If she thinks that you are only doing these nice things to get what you want, she will feel resentment and look at you as totally selfish and self-centered. You want to ignite her Dominance with your subtle submission.

You will start to notice a change in her. She will start to feel love and adoration for you in return. She will then come to you and initiate a conversation, possibly about wanting to do something to please you. This is OK. Men and women want to please each other and there is nothing wrong with your potential Domme wife wanting to do that. This is the time to gently share with her a little bit of your desires. Start with something non-threatening to her. Bondage is a great starter. Our society has embraced using silk scarves or neck ties to tie your lover's hands to the bedpost and ravish them. She will probably not be threatened about this in the least.

Another thing you could try is surprising her with a date night. Get a sitter (if you have kids) and take her to a nice restaurant. Set up some champagne at home, with candles in your bedroom. Make one of the candles her favorite scented candle (look around the house and you will see her favorite). Have clean sheets on the bed with maybe some rose petals thrown on the bed and floor. Make sure they are red roses. Get a romantic sex game and have it set up on the bed. There are some great romantic sex games out there. If you don't have a vibrator, get one. The rabbit or something similar is perfect. When you start playing the game there will be "Share a fantasy card" that you will get. Stack the deck if you have too. Then when you get that fantasy card, share with her a simple fantasy of being tied up and teased. That is just an example of a simple, non-threatening BDSM fantasy that shouldn't freak her out.

Well, those are some simple pointers to start with. Just remember that in today's society, women have so much on their plates. They work full time or stay at home raising kids all day. They have so much responsibility the last thing they want is to be responsible for you. If your wife gets the impression that this is just another thing she has to do, she will hate it. A male submissive is there to enhance his Dommes life, not hinder it. She has to see the positives in it for her, not what she has to do to keep you happy.

True male submission is adoring, loving and worshiping your Wife. You will find fulfilment and satisfaction in serving her. The bondage and spanking and humiliation is fun, but the bottom line is the adoration you have for your Domme. Just ask my husband, he would rather kiss and lick my body from head to toe, making me orgasm over and over, than being tied up and teased. Before, he only wanted the later, but now he lives to worship and serve me. He is just lucky that I like to tie him up and tease the shit out of him. But that is a whole other post.


Lady Julia said...

What a wonderfully written piece! I wonder if you would allow me to publish it on my website? It's a non-commercial endeavor and I am beginning to work toward adding well-written pieces about D/s from a variety of authors. The site gets a large number of hits and I would of course link the story to your blog.

If interested, please contact me at ladyjulia at gmail dot com.

Either way, again - wonderfully stated.

Emma Kelly said...

I completely agree with the spirit of this post. Our relationship really changed for the better when I began to submit and serve rather than desire and beg.


Mrs. Kelly's Playhouse

ShannonsHusband said...

i am a husband about month into a Female Led Relatiohsip with my wife the tips are perfect. My wife has a very vanilla history but at the same time she is open to the concepts of a FemmeDomme marriage. My personaly experience is housework and making her life easier is the best way to for the fantasy to become reality. Honestly i am making it hard for her to refuse. Not by begging her to feminize me or to spank my ass but by communicating and making her life easy. What is not to like about a husband that makes the bed and helps around the house? How could she refuse? What will she say? "lets go back to you sittting on the couch watching games while I do all the work."

Finally you should make sure your motives are pure and lasting and not a temporay kinky obsession. If they are you will not only be rewarded by having some fantasies fufilled but also your marriage/relationship will be better out of the bedroom as well.

Bonnie said...

Mrs. Claudia,
you hit the nail right on the head!

I was also wondering if you would allow me this piece for the site.

Collar N cuffs

Mistress160 said...

LOL ... I've just been arguing with Richard (Evans Lee) on a thread at www.FetishLore.com about this very thing ... may I quote a few paragraphs?!

whatevershesays said...

Others interested in a "How to" should go to arounderherfinger.com.

It is all about the non-kinky methods of wife-led marriages.

Great post and I look forward to reading more.

Ms Alice said...

What all men should have in mind when they indroduce their mates to this lifestyle is this:
Not to talk about BDSM to them. They must only refer to D/s i the beginning.
That's because we are more into mental issues than corporal.
Women are complicated creatures and with a wrong app.roach can easily turn somebody down.
My slave's approach was realy subtle and careful.
He printed for me a real story from Elise Sutton's site that was talking about a husband that was going to the super-market instaed of his wife, he was washing the dishes, her car and served coffee to her and her friends.
Clever and light eh?
I found it interesting. Then he printed 2 more stories for me and when i started asking questions and discussing the stories he then told me about Sutton's site.
He sized up my first reaction and that was pretty clever on his side.
The rest is wel known to you :)

Mrs. Claudia said...

Thanks everyone for your positive comments. I will be adding a disclaimer to my main page that anyone wishing to use my posts are free to do so. I am here to help others find love and fulfilment in this wonderful thing we call life.

saratoga said...


I agree, for the context of an existing marriage.

In fact, I wrote a post which was very similar a few months ago, addressing the many whiney subs who keep asking for 'dominance.'

I made two points. One is yours- only, more broadly, that the male has to consider what about 'dominance' that he wishes to address, or his submission, will actually, materially improve his wife's life, make it more fulfilling. Otherwise, he's simply engaging in selfish fetishism.

However, the second point is more subtle, tho, I think, equally important.

A male who cannot do the first, is probably not yet sufficiently emotionally intimate with his wife to earn the privilege of possibly wrecking their marriage over his selfish fetishes. I've had subs explain that they don't know what their wives' reactions will be.

Could they be more perfect examples of inept, clueless, selfish males who don't know what submission means? I don't think so.

Oddly, this latter point is, I think, the one most males totally miss, but is the more important one. It signifies the right, truly submissive attitude, and really ensures they are sufficiently intimate and knowledgeable about their partner before attempting a relationship style and level that makes vanilla look like kindergarten.

Finally, I'll be writing a post about an entirely different context, in which, I believe, the approach is 180 different. That is, when beginning a new relationship, it's a totally different situation. No prior relationship obligation.


Catwomanslair said...

Fantasic advice. Your post reads like something from Elise Sutton. Your paragraph about reality vs. fantasy and how women are not going to be a cardboard cutout 24/7 domme is simply perfect. Well stated. The woman's perspective is very necessary so that men can better learn how to approach D/s with their wives.

mrblackmagic said...

You are terribly fortunate to have your husband.
I think you are ridiculous.

"Can I have my cake and eat it too?"

I also find your nonsensical ramblings about the Downfall of our society amusing.

I have another question.
Why should men cater to women as a Gentlemen when, for the most part, women have ceased to be ladies are simply females. Largely acting like Men. "acting" being the key word because Men and Women are absurdly different and one cannot encompass the areas of expertise of the other.

Emma Kelly said...

I always manage to get to posts long after scott has already commented on them.

I can't really add to what other people have said. Just wanted to let you kow that this is an excellent post about this subject.


Anonymous said...

oh my god... thts my story.. just tht it started 4 years back itself.. and i have made all the mistakes u talk about.. and now we are on the verge of breaking up..im just 23 now..god. .if u had written this 4 yrs back..

Mistress Watchful said...

This is so similar to how I started out. I have also had someone on my site ask the "how do I tell my gf" question, so I was very glad to come across this piece. It sums it up beautifully and I have linked back to it. Thank you so much for such a wonderful blog.

Anonymous said...

from psychological point of view is it right to have such relationship?

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