Tuesday, March 18, 2008

Things a male sub can do to jump start a D/s relationship!

In my previous post "What happens when life gets in the way?" I posted some great suggestions for the Female Dominant to do in a relationship when it has lost track or fizzled. Now, I want to share my thoughts of what the male submissive in a relationship can do to help their Femdom counterpart get back on track. Since a D/s relationship is based on a agreed upon Power Exchange, it is very important for the male sub to realize that his actions, or lack thereof, have a direct effect on how his Femdom acts or reacts. I know in the romance and fictional stories, it is always the Female that seems to come in, regardless of the males feelings or desires, and forces him to surrender his will and to submit. While that is great for fantasy time and fun, it is far from the reality that encompasses a 24/7 D/s relationship.

With the daily pressures a woman faces in this day and age, it can be very easy to succumb to life's worries and headaches. With all the external pressures a woman faces, is it any wonder why most women do not find this style of relationship appealing? Why, who in their right minds would want to add pressure and responsibility? No-one my dear!! That is why it is your first responsibility to make sure you are doing everything in your power to make your significant others life easier. Whether that is clearing the table after dinner, or doing the laundry one night. If your Wife (or girlfriend or significant other or whatever) is busy all day at the office (or at home with three kids) and then comes home and has to cook dinner, clean the dishes, do laundry, get the kids baths ready, do homework, etc and then you don't understand why she has no interest in D/s, well I wonder why? You like the idea of being a slave to lessen the responsibilities and worries of daily life, yet you do not think your better half has those same wants and needs? You foolish man you!!!!!!!

OK, let's get down to brass tactics! If you have already taken on more responsibility at home and have an established D/s relationship - GREAT! You can still learn how to do it better so continue reading. If you have taken on extra responsibilities around the house and have slacked off then this is for you! I know everyone runs into burnout, God knows I am right there with you! I am sharing a few things that my husband either does or has done in the past that has made my life easier or has made me feel better. That's right, your responsibility is to make your Wife FEEL BETTER too!!
OK, here goes.......................

1. Plan a date night. Get a sitter, make reservations and tell your Wife to be ready for a night out on the town. Tell her to go buy a new dress and some nice lingerie to wear. I do not care how big or small a woman is, nice lingerie always makes you feel better (and sexy too!) Call the restaurant ahead of time and have something special for your Wife. Maybe flowers, or her favorite wine. Then either have tickets for a comedy show or tickets to a movie. (or tickets to whatever - just get her out of the house for a nice evening!)

2. Draw her a bath with candles and wine and LEAVE HER ALONE FOR A WHILE. Do not sit on your knees waiting to be dismissed unless this is something that is a regular routine for the two of you. This will only piss her off, especially if she is in D/s burnout!

3. Make a book of coupons for things your Wife really needs. Not "I will make you orgasm 50 times before I am allowed to orgasm". This is also not the time or place for this. Include some coupons in there giving her the afternoon off to go shopping while you watch the kids. Then make sure you have enough money in the bank account to pay for that shopping trip!

4. Get the kids ready for bed one night, baths and all. Then come into your bedroom and tell your Wife to give you 5 minutes, you have a surprise for her. Set up massage lotion or oil and light some candles in the room. Spray some nice perfume on the sheets or covers so it will smell good when she lies down. Then tell her to come into the room, and wait for her on your knees. Tell her it is her night to be pampered and adored and you expect nothing in return. (and don't expect anything in return!) Give her a wonderful massage and then (if you are not in chastity), make sweet love to her without you cumming. If she gives you permission, great, if not - no cumming for you my dear!

5. Go grocery shopping for her. I hate grocery shopping almost as much as I hate cooking. Make sure you do not forget anything special that she eats or drinks. Ask if you are unsure!

6. Get her car detailed for her. Better yet, detail it yourself - inside and out. When you are done, leave her a love note on her seat telling her how wonderful and beautiful she is and you are the luckiest man in the world!

7. Get on your hands and knees and sit in front of her. Tell her how much you love and adore HER, not the Dominant woman you love so much. During times of burnout, it is easy for a woman to think that you love only her fierce side and not her sensitive side. A woman who feels that you only love her because she can be kinky in the bedroom is a sure fire way of losing that wonderful woman. More on that later though!!

8. I think I have said this one before but it is worth repeating: Watch a girly movie with her and by God do not BITCH about it. How many idiot man movies has she watched because she loves you? HUH?????

(note: if you will notice I have waited until the last two to bring up anything about Mistress and slave or overtly D/s actions. This is because when most women are in D/s burnout the last thing they want to do is to feel like you are pushing them to be more Dominant. Please do not do that - it is sure fire recipe for disaster!!! With that said - onto 9 and 10!)

9. Make a second coupon book with nice, fun kinky things you know your Wife likes. Not what you like, per se, but what she likes! If she adores Tease and Denial, then make a coupon giving her full control of your nether region for a week. If she likes bondage, give her a coupon and maybe a few cool pictures of stuff she might like to try. If she likes spanking, a coupon for 30 good whacks will do just fine (a new crop or paddle might be nice too!) Make it fun and make sure you have a place for those kidlets to go. A coupon book isn't as much fun when the kids are home. It will get a little dusty!!

10. Write down all the things you use to do for your Wife before the daily grind got in the way. Give it to her and ask her to mark which things she liked you to do most. Then start doing those things immediately. Nothing works better to jump start a stagnant Dominant than a submissive doing his duty. In order for the D/s dynamic to work, she will automatically become more Dominant again. Trust me!!!

Well, that is my advice to all you men out there. In my opinion, nothing beats a good, healthy D/s relationship. But like all things, sometimes life gets in the way and it is very difficult to maintain it. If you are sitting there waiting for your already stressed out Wife to force you back into submission you have another thing coming. You will be waiting a long time. The best thing you can do is to help her get back to what you both find so wonderful. It has to begin somewhere and by being the sub and man in the relationship, there is no place better to start than with you. Good luck!!!!!

My next post will be on a very important topic that might cause a little controversy. Over the past few years, I have been contacted by several woman (and men) that have a problem reconciling this type of relationship with their belief in "God". While I will not divulge what my particular religion is, I am a very spiritual person who believes in God and all He represents. I feel that my relationship, now that it is honest, open, loving, caring, monogamous, cherished and absolutely wonderful, is EXACTLY what my God wants for me. In my relationship I honor, adore, respect and love my husband. As he does with me. We bring each other up, in moral and emotions, which is more than I can say for most people married now a days. I will not make it about anything other than realizing that a D/s relationship, at it's core, has NOTHING TO DO WITH KINKY ACTS. It has to do with all the other things I just explained that my husband and I now have. Traits I wish everyone every married couple had.
This is my wish for every married couple out there. Whether or not they embrace Femdom is irrelevant. I wish you love, adoration and respect. What every man and woman deserve - to be happy!!!!


Sniffer said...

Mrs. Claudia. Thank you for taking time out to write this wonderful post. You are correct, of course. At the core of any marriage is love for one another. There must be value as well. A spouse must love their spouse and value the relationship.

My wife and I are also very spiritual. We do not see any conflict with a D/s relationship. Of course, many Christians view their religion as a "male dominated" one and therefore would have many problems with a more Goddess oriented religion such as Paganism.

Everyone suffers burnout. You are quite correct, that a male sub should follow your instructions and help his wife without regard to "reward." A "rewards" based relationship is doomed. It's like paying for sex. If I do this then you must do that. It doesn't work that way.

Look! The bottom line is that a woman is cherished and valued above all else. A sub male does everything to please and pamper her. He enjoys her pleasure as his own. The real reward is service. We are all selfish...but true submission is overcoming selfishness and finding joy in service.



Susan's Pet said...

Dear Lady Claudia,

Your list is very appropriate. It reminds me that I seldom see myself from the other person's view. I want to do all that you suggest. But, with all the other things that life demands of me, it is a challenge. Yet, how else can I evaluate my servitude to my wife, than by giving to her even when it hurts me.

It is impossible to separate "my selfish need to give" from a "selfless giving" when the goals and results are the same. On the long run, only the pleasure and happiness of my wife is the measure of my success.

Mrs. Claudia said...

You are always so well spoken and your thoughts and insights are right on. I truly appreciate your presence here and on the message board. I am hoping once my post on "spirituality" is read that most people, like yourself, will no longer see a conflict with D/s and God. That is at least my hope!! Wish me luck.

susan's pet,
Thank you for your well thought comment. Your words are so true and that is what separates a true submissive from one who is just interested in what they can get from the Domme!!

Hugs and have a great weekend!

speed said...

Mrs. Claudia,

Excellent article! I have discovered intuitivly what you have written. If you want your wife to be domme, don't treat her her like a slave up until 15 min. before sex! We share house work more or less equally and I will often make a "sacrifice to her beauty and power". This could be giving her a day to go bicycling or shopping while I handle all household duties. It could be breakfast in bed or a massage for no rason other than that she is my Mistress. Every once in a while I will send her off on a week long vacation with a girlfriend of hers. I do the majority of the cooking, because I am (honestly) a better cook and I enjoy it anyway. It is amazing how much more she enjoys being the "Evil Queen" when she is actually made to feel like a queen!

Now the best part...I love the lifestyle part! It is a huge turn on for me to do these things. It is almost as good...maybe better...than the sex. She has taken to refering to me as "slave" in front of her sisters. They thought it was a joke at first, but no they have become envious of her. The whole thing has put an electric, sexually charged atmosphere into our marriage and she loves it.

Take this to heart would be male slaves. You will not be sorry and your marriage will be the stronger for it! I am a VERY lucky man!

speed said...


Mrs. Claudia: I am very interested in reading your post on Spirituality.

Susan's Pet: I agree that Female Domination and Christianity are not mutually exclusive. My wife and I are committed Christians and we see no conflict, other than the danger of worshiping your wife before God. My wife is a beautiful creation of God and a gift I cannot begin to be worthy of...but I will try. Very interesting discussion. It is good to see the subject treated intelligently as opposed to the more common porn-centered stuff that is usually found on the Net.

Mrs. Claudia said...

To the anonymous person who left the story,

I didn't feel this was the appropriate place for a long story to be posted. I didm, however, post it on my Lifestyle-Ds.com community site in the "Stories" section. I would love to read the rest of your story. If you would like to post the continuation there, I would really appreciate it.


Tom said...

Thankx for your post!

Tom said...

Thanks for your post!

A.C. Scott said...

This post reminded me how lucky I am. While all the things you mentioned are important, especially the part about reminding her how much you love her as a complete person, my wife would be rightfully irritated if I did so little and made such little effort to please her.

She isn't responsible for anything outside her job. I do all the childcare, cooking, cleaning,errands, etc.

Thankfully I have a little time right now while she naps, but her three course dinner, homemade candy (cooking lessons), and origami roses have already been preped.

If I may be so bold to make a further suggestion for submissive husbands--do as much of the chores/work as you can possibly squeeze into a 24 hour day. It won't take long before her stress melts away and she can enjoy her free time without any care in the world.

She may not want to ever go back after you've absolved her of all the annoying parts in life, but the happiness it brings her is easily worth 10x the effort and sacrifice.