Trust + Communication = RESPECT!!

Let me start by saying that my relationship with my submissive is not the norm. As you all know from reading my blog we have had alot of mistrust, disrespect and lack of communication for years. In order for the D/s relationship to work TRUST is the #1 component. Second to that is COMMUNICATION. What makes them both possible is a little word we call RESPECT.

Let me first start with trust.

Trust is something that has been broken between My husband and I for a very long time. Right now each day we are rebuilding the trust between us but it is a long, hard road to travel. It is a road I honestly wish we would have never had to go down. Once trust is broken between two people it takes years to get it back. If both partners are not totally willing to give the relationship 100% one will end up doing something to break the trust that is so fragile. Trust needs to be built between the Wife and husband, the Domme and the sub. As my husband, I need to be able to trust him that he is not going to go cheat on me or do things behind my back. As his Wife, he needs to know I will not cheat on him, leave him or do anything behind his back.

Now as my submissive the trust runs much deeper. I need to be able to trust that if I issue a rule, that it will be followed. If there is a question or concern, I need to create a way that my submissive can come to me and talk about it. He needs to know that I am not going to take my new found power and take advantage of him or play games. He needs to know with all his soul that his best interest is my first priority. If he has any reservations he will never really submit.

My duty as his Wife and Domme is to prove to him I am what I seem to be. Our relationship is a little different than most because of our history but the basic premise is the same. I have to be very careful that I do not treat my husband and submissive as a child. HE IS NOT MY CHILD AND I AM NOT HIS MOTHER. If I start to regulate him like I am his mother then he will fall into the trap of feeling like my child. Instead of openly communicating with me he will try to sneak around. His rebellion will surface. So how am I going about changing this cycle we have been in for years??

First, I am making sure he feels he can talk to me about anything. Let's say I place a rule on him that I want him home by 5:00 for dinner. If he takes that as a child receiving an order from a parent he might agree to be home and then come up with excuses everyday why he can't be here. What he should do if he is in the submissive role is come to me with respect and ask if the 5:00 rule can be altered. He should state the reason why he can't make it home. If I am a good Domme, and the reason is valid, I should probably adjust the time to something that is more accomodating.

But let's say I forbid masterbating unless permission is given. This scares my husband because he has been use to being able to masterbate whenever he chooses. He can either come to me and talk about it or do it behind my back. Anytime a submissive tells his Domme that he will do something and then doesn't he is not being submissive. The true submissive can not pick and choose which rules he will choose to follow. If he goes this route and his Domme finds out trust will be shatterred. There are somethings a Domme will order that the submissive will not like. It is part of the territory. The submissive can come to the Domme, again with respect, and discuss it. This takes me onto communication.

Communication is so crucial to any relationship but especially a D/s relationship. There obviously have to be guidelines, but the Domme MUST give the sub permission to speak with her whenever there is something the sub is having a problem with. It is pure fantasy that every order the Domme dishes out will be accepted fully by the submissive. Maybe after years and years of a D/s relationship, but not right away. Let me try and give an example:

Let's say (just hypothetical) I have forbidden my submissive (and husband for that matter) from viewing extreme FemDom porn on the internet. He has been looking at FemDom porn on the internet for years and years and he doesn't think he can go cold turkey overnight. He can do one of two things. He can either sneak off and continue to look at the porn or he can come to me, with respect, and voice his concern. Now, the Domme would probably keep her rule and forbid her sub from looking at the stuff. Let me tell you why, when a sub comes from internet land where extremes are the norm, they get a warped sense of what FemDom should be like. Real life FemDom (at least in my house) is no where near the extreme that you see on the internet. The sub needs to be rewired by the Domme, brought back down to reality. If he continues to look at extreme porn he will continue to have extreme thoughts.

But what the Domme would do if she was smart was control it. Join a few sites herself and then regulate what he would see. The Domme will begin to form his thoughts into what she wants for him. If she does that, he will not feel like he is cut off. Then you both win. This will also feed his fear of being cut off cold turkey. That is how the sub can voice a concern, have the Domme reject his concern, but yet still take care of it her way.

Communication and trust, once broken, are rebuilt slowly. Respect is what makes both of these two vital issues work. If there is no respect between two people then there will be no trust and no communication. Both my husband and I didn't respect eachother prior to transforming our marriage. I think the minute I decided to give the FemDom life a real try, and he believed it was real, his respect for me blossomed. Once full respect was rebuilt by us both, our relationship took off. I found my husband loving me more, communicating more and trusting me more. I also found the devotion he had for me deepened to a level I did not think was possible. Now we respect eachother 100%. I trust him 90% and our communication is better than ever. It is still not perfect, but it is getting there.

So there is my little opinion on Trust, Communication and Respect. Without them all no relationship, especially a D/s one, will work.

A note about metal cock rings!

In an earlier bitch post I mentioned that my darling subby was having some medical problems in his private area. I have been hesitating on posting this but it is something I wish I would have known before I required my husband to wear a heavy metal cock ring 24/7. This is a picture of the exact ring he wears (or did wear!)

For the past 6 months he has worn it daily with no problems and everything seemed to be great. I also had the added bonus of having this beautiful shinny metal ring around him every time he got hard. I love shinny metal things and I absolutely love a rock hard cock!!! Well it seems that the cock ring might have contributed to his recent medical problem. He has been diagnosed with Varicocele and Hydrocele. While we didn't tell the doctor he has been wearing a heavy metal cock ring for six months, I have spoken with a fellow Domme who agrees the ring probably contributed to this condition.

In all the warnings I read about wearing a ring like this, I never once came across any side effects like this. I want to let others know of this possible condition that occurs in 15% of men. My husband did have this problem a few years ago when he wasn't wearing a ring. That is why I am still not 100% sure my ring caused this. So, my fellow FemDom's, please heed this warning! RESEARCH, RESEARCH, RESEARCH. Find other Dommes to talk to. Bottom line is when you injure your property, on accident or not, you are responsible. My submissive and my husband are my responsibility. By being his Domme I am responsible for not only his safety and well being in a scene, but in everyday life.

All of us are human and make mistakes. This is why I am so grateful I have other FemDom's I can talk with now. Instead of just flying by the seat of my pants I have other wonderful, beautiful women I can ask questions. I think this is another perk!

Calgon- Take me away!!!

Damn, this past week has absolutely been a test. This past week I have seriously considered just running away. I am not sure anything else could have gone wrong. The kids are misbehaving, my darling subby has been diagnosed with a medical problem in a very private area. I am feeling lost. For the past few weeks life has really been getting in the way. I just hate it when that happens. I usually don't post irrelevant things to this blog but I need to seriously vent. You know how they say the more sex women have the more they want it. Well, the same holds true for D/s. I have gotten use to being able to play in one way or another everyday for the past 6 months. When I don't get to play I get very cranky. I am trying to be a good Domme and give my subby some time to re coupe from his injuries but damn I am impatient. I guess I am a true Domme, I want what I want when I want it!!! I miss the power exchange. I miss the attention. I miss my submissive. What I am learning from this little experience is life will not always afford us the time and attention necessary to have that power exchange. I have to be patient. Patience, not something God has gifted me with. I have to keep reminding myself that it can't always be as intense as I may like. OK, I feel better. The next post will be educational and inspiring. I promise!!

So, you want to hear from my darling hubby?

I have received quite a few emails regarding my husband authoring a post on the blog. I would like to know if there is anything specific you men or women would like to know from my husbands point of view? I will tell you right now that he will not post any overtly sexual components of our relationship. I am keeping this blog somewhat clean and as close to "R" rated as I can. Guys, this is your chance to ask a fellow submissive what it is like to live in a "real" FemDom relationship. He knows first hand what NOT to do when dealing with your wife or g/f about FemDom. To let me know you can either post a comment or email me directly. My email address is listed under the "about me" section of my profile. To make it a little easier I have given you a list of possible questions to choose from:

1. How does he deal with the struggle inside by being a submissive man?


2. How does real life submission compare to fantasy or internet submission?


3. How did he change from a sub-centric submissive to a real submissive?
   

Thanks!!

Collaring - Is it necessary when already married?

Collaring. What does it mean and why is it significant in a D/s relationship? These are the two questions I have been asking myself for a few months now. Why do I feel the need to collar my submissive when he is already my husband? Doesn't his wedding ring already tell him, and the whole world, that he "belongs" to me. Well, kind of. Our wedding rings are very important to me. They do show the whole world that we are committed to each other legally. For some reason traditional marriage is really not taken that seriously in today's world. That holds true for our marriage over the past 12 years. Oh, we have stayed married, but both of us broke our vows in one way or another. I broke the vows to always honor, respect and love. To cherish and obey. He broke the same vows and then some. I think the only vow we didn't break was "till death do us part" (which was a hard one because I almost killed him last September!).

Now that we have decided to stay together and transform our marriage to a D/s marriage it is only natural to make it official. Just as if we were engaged and getting married. When I solidify the decision to formally collar my husband, the meaning and significance will mean so much more than a traditional marriage means. In order for my husband to wear my collar he will freely give me so much more than his last name. In accepting my collar he will be giving me all of himself. The trust that has been broken over the years will have to be replaced. The respect that was tossed out the window will never be taken for granted again. The indifference to my wants and needs will be forever gone. By accepting my collar he will accept that I am his world. His whole purpose will be to serve, love and respect me. He will have to believe, with all his being, that I will never do anything to hurt or harm him. That he is my prize possession, that which I love and honor more than anything. He will have to welcome and even encourage my protection and guidance. It is a big step.

For me, the responsibility of collaring a submissive is huge. The dynamic we have with each other will shift even more. By collaring him I will be saying to him that I will not only love, honor and respect him but that I will guide, correct and protect him. I am reading all I can find on collaring and talking to everyone I know. It is so strange, I am nervous just like I was when we were married. I guess I feel like it will take our D/s relationship and totally make it real. Even though it is already real it still feels like we are just living together. I can break up and move out if I want to and that will be that. By collaring I need to make sure I am really serious about this whole thing. Back in late October when we first started all this I came across info on collaring and I wanted to collar him right away. It just seemed like another one of those symbolic things you do in BDSM, no big deal. I am so glad I didn't collar him back then. It would have trivialized it.

I looked up the basic meaning of collaring and I came across this:

For a little help on the subject I turned to Tom Davis, the owner of Daycollar.com. An expert on the BDSM lifestyle, Tom says, “the collar is really a symbol of devotion to one whom you have agreed to partner with. The exchange of power between a Dominant and submissive is a mutually agreed upon unbalancing of control. It is a akin to the traditional wedding ring in non-BDSM or ‘vanilla’ relationships, except a lot sexier.”

So, with that said I think that it makes perfect sense to collar your husband. It represents the D/s commitment between the two, just like wedding rings represent a vanilla commitment between the two. The next question is what kind of collar should I have my husband wear?

Obviously a traditional leather play collar will not do. Neither will a bulky chain necklace with a big lock on it. I can just hear my husband trying to explain the thick chain necklace with a lock. So then, what are my options. One of my good FemDom friends chose dog tags as her husbands collar. She got him a regular necklace and then had dog tags (like in the military, not for a real dog) engraved. When you see him with his "collar" on it looks like a regular necklace with charms. I thought that was really cool.

This is what I am looking into getting for my hubby. A regular curb necklace in white gold with a nice white gold dog tag that reads "Property of Mrs. Claudia." Then on the back I will engrave something personal to show my love and devotion. Then I will have the regular clasp removed from the necklace and replaced with a simple, small nickle lock that closes the chain in the back. No one will ever see the lock because it will be covered by his shirt collar. (Here is a picture of the dog tag I am looking at.)

Well there are my thoughts on collaring your husband. I am planning on a formal ceremony in the next few months so I will keep everyone posted on how it goes. I never got a honeymoon with my wedding so maybe this will be like a "renewing of our vows" and then the honeymoon trip we never got. I will take any excuse to take a vacation.

Deciding to join a local BDSM Group.

On Ms. Rika's forum she opened a resolutions for 2007 for her members. Each member was encouraged to post their resolutions for 2007 and she would check back quarterly to see how everyone was doing. At the beginning of April Ms. Rika checked to see how we were doing. I had two resolutions. My first was to join our local BDSM group. My second was to be consistant on pushing my husband to deeper levels of submission. I am happy to report that I have done both. I look back over the past 6 months on different message boards I am part of and I am amazed at far we have both come in such a short time. By far I think the decision I made to join our local support group has contributed to our maturity. It allows both of us to interact, in real time, with other like minded people. We have met both sides of the coin. Our group is pansexual, which means they accept both Male and Female Dom/mes. Likewise, they also accept both male submissives and female submissives.

What I really like about being part of a pansexual group is the diversity. I can chat with female submissives differently then I do with males. My husband has also met a few male submissives that are very similar in personality to himself. This gives him the opportunity to share his trials and tribulations with other men who understand what it is to be submissive. I have also met some wonderful FemDom's, as well as MaleDom's. I have shared with my female friends ideas, frustrations and techniques. It is one thing to read how to make a rope harness, it is something quite different to have it shown to you in person. I firmly believe that opening up myself and my life to others in this lifestyle has helped me to grow and accept myself and my Dominant desires.

So, I would highly recommend to any new couples in this lifestyle to join their local group. Here is a link that shows all the groups across the country (and Europe I believe). There is also another list here but I like the first link better. Let me know how things go if you join your local group.

Oh, the Perks!!!

Well, again "life" has been getting in the way and I have not had time to read my fellow bloggers and post anything lately. Thank God things are getting back to normal and I can return to my daily reading. Last night my adorable husband gave me a great idea for a post. Perks! Yes, the many wonderful perks that are afforded to those women and men daring enough to embrace this lifestyle.

In the past six months my life has done a 360. I have found myself thinking lately about how I ever lived any other way. I have been thinking all day about the perks I enjoy on a daily basis. These perks are mine, custom made to my relationship and life with a wonderful man. This is the same man I called very naughty names in the past. Not naughty in a good way either. Names like idiot, pathetic, moron, poor excuse for a man. Told you, not so nice. I can be a good bitch or a very mean bitch. He has learned to take the good bitch and not provoke the mean bitch. So, here are some perks I have found myself enjoying very much. Any woman who wants can have these same things, to be treated like a Queen. Remember it's not all about being a cruel, heartless bitch. It's about the man in your life adoring you in any way YOU want.

1. I am brought coffee and my slippers every morning.

2. I have my feet kissed each morning.

3. Dinner is cooked everyday (I hate cooking, have I mentioned that?)

4. My feet are massaged anytime I want.

5. When I want, a bath is drawn, intelligent conversation is had and I am dried and lotioned up.

6. Dishes are done after dinner.

7. I am kissed, cuddled and licked whenever I want with no macho bullshit.

8. I am now asked to cuddle, instead of just me asking.

9. My husband no longer masturbates, period.

10. I control when, how and how often my husband orgasms :-).

11. I get first rights to the remote control.

12. I can make him ask for directions when we are lost.

13. I initiate sex but still enjoy his "advances" when wanted.

14. While out, I am never without a drink. He is attentive to foresee when I want a cigarette.

15. He helps out at parties without having to be asked or told. You should hear the praises I get about him, fabulous!!

16. I don't ever have to give him head if I don't want and he never asks me to swallow!!

17. I can stay home and take care of our family.

18. He pays all the bills.

19. I can buy whatever I want, whenever I want.

20. I get text messages, calls and emails throughout the day telling me how much he loves and adores me.

21. I get back massages whenever I want.

But the best perk that has come out of embracing this lifestyle is the utter joy and happiness I have now living with this man. Not wanting him to leave in the morning and being happy when he gets home. I love spending time with him, where as before I didn't. I would remember praying he would have an early meeting or a late meeting so he wouldn't be around me. Talk about a 360 change. One thing I am realizing is this lifestyle is whatever you want it to be. Personally, I do not like making all the decisions and being in control 100% of the time. When I want my husband to make a decision I tell him. THAT IS STILL DOMINATION. I am expressing a want to him and he is fulfilling it. I even have a FemDom friend who had to order her submissive to rest, because he wouldn't stop and take care of himself. On the outside that doesn't look like typical FemDom, but it is. She is telling him what to do. Even if you tell him to hold you and let you cry on his shoulder, it doesn't make your relationship any less FemDom.

I wouldn't trade my life for anything. It has not happened over night either. Transitioning from a traditional marriage to a FemDom marriage has happened slowly, naturally. If it is rushed or forced it will be more work than anything. It will seem like it is not working because everything doesn't feel natural. In the beginning I thought a FemDom marriage had to be like the stories you read in Elise Sutton's books. What I had to remember is most of those relationships had been FemDom for years and years. It took time to evolve and it definitely didn't happen over night. Once I got that, and gave myself a break, the relationship blossomed, taking it's natural course. I am so glad it did to. I am the Queen of my castle!!